Tired.

 

Fighting onwards

 I'm trying, guys.

I'm fighting, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm savouring each and every breath, I'm taking stock of everything that I'm grateful for.

But sometimes we need more, we need professional support;  and this is where I have been failed. 

Failed by an oversubscribed and underfunded service, and a psychiatrist that for whatever reason saw fit to belittle me, not listen, use prejudice..and then discharge me without so much as a indication on where to access help from then onwards.

It's been a month and I'm still coming to terms with the fact I've been hung out to dry. I wanted to write about it sooner but I couldn't find the words. 

The scariest part for me is that there is no doubt in my mind that others have been treated this way. I'm not special, I didn't get singled out. If they're comfortable doing this to me, they're comfortable doing it to other vulnerable people. 

I was unfortunately headed for a real low mood cycle when I received this horrifying decision and so the last few weeks I've been scraping the barrel trying to hold myself together. Utilising my entire support system, crying myself to sleep, pretending I am unaware that the voices are getting louder and the thoughts are getting darker. 

The reality I'm left with is I honestly don't know where to turn anymore. I'm lost at sea, a mental health patient without a service to turn to. 

But I'm not going to let them win. I'm not going to let this be the hill I die on. I will continue to fight for my rights and the rights of others. I will continue with my work with Rethink mental illness, I will chase up my official complaint with my community mental health team until I receive a satisfactory response.  

I just wish everything didn't have to be so goddamn hard all the time.

The Cost of Self Care

 Hi, me again.

I'm so sorry that my posts are always like drift wood in the sparse ocean. I get in my head too much about writing something 'worthwhile' and then it sucks all the joy out of what was supposed to be a hobby, and ultimately a safe place to ramble about my thoughts and feelings about whatever springs to mind. 

It's nearly 1am and I'm up thinking about finances. Mine, in particular. I'm not about to not be able to pay my bills, but I've been a little too spend-happy this month and it shows in my bank account. It ultimately means I need to be more careful in the upcoming months to level it out again. 

Why have I suddenly started spending money like it's gone out of fashion? I needed cheering up, and something about parcels coming to the door makes me feel like it's a special occasion. Depression has been creeping in through the cracks, the spaces in my brain where I've felt comfortable to neglect for a while because I've been stable. I haven't 'split' (bpd term) on anyone in a long time, I haven't self harmed in what seems like a lifetime.. of course I've taken one hand off the steering wheel. 

The problem with mental disorders is they prey on you at your most vulnerable. When you're unsuspecting. If you feel it's too good to be true, it usually is. And it's been feeling mighty fine. 

So, naturally, I've been doing lots of self care. I've slept a lot, because I've exhausted myself by being well for so long. I've treated myself to new skin care, bath and shower products, new clothes. Things that entice me to leave my bed and pyjamas behind and live a little, but also things that if I absolutely can't, it's okay too. I even picked up a new book for the weekend to snuggle up with. The only problem is, I don't have unlimited funds and I need to have a word with myself about what's a little treat and what's extravagant. Hint; the 7 boxes in one day probably leans towards the latter 🤣. 

Honestly though, I'm just happy every time I make a purchase that isn't edible.. but that's for another day.

Valentines' Day

Happy Valentines Day beautifuls! 

Today can be a difficult one, especially if we are single, but it's a PERFECT opportunity for some self loving!

I'm not saying you have to buy yourself flowers and chocolate (although, there's nothing stopping you) I'm saying take a moment to do something that makes your heart happy.

It might be healthy eating, or helping a stranger. It might be drawing yourself a bubble bath and putting a face mask on. (Not the covid type...) it might be working towards a goal, or taking a moment of serenity in this mad world.

It might be brushing your hair, or having a shower, or just tidying your room. 

Whatever little thing you do for you today, remember it's not just today you can do self love. 

We're worthy of it all year long 💕

 

2021: The Year of Self-Love

 

Too often I find myself saying 'I am *insert derogatory word here*'

Too often I make faces at myself in the mirror, or avoid it completely. 

Too often I scold myself as I look at pretty clothes online that would never in a million years fit my body, and shame myself for it. 

Too often I delete a photograph because I look too 'flawed.'

Too often I hear my friends mark themselves down on looks or intelligence. 

The problem is, as psychology has shown us, that when we tell ourselves these things; we believe them to be true. 

Not enough do I tell myself I'm smart.

Not enough do I tell myself my eyes sparkle.

Not enough do I tell myself that I am worthy. 

I started this blog a few years ago with the purpose of learning to love myself. 2021 is the year where I enforce this. The words we tell ourselves MATTER. They shape the way we view ourselves, and in turn shapes how we allow ourselves to be treated by others. Use kind words, not just to others but to yourself. 

World Mental Health Day 2019

I haven't posted in a while, I've not been able to put into words how I'm feeling which is a rarity for me. I don't know if I've just been overwhelmed, or too busy, or what has been going on but I've honestly missed having my little blog to release some of my thoughts into.

I thought world mental health day would be perfect because everywhere today people are talking mental health.
And I'm ready to talk about mine.

Things have all gotten on top of me, and I'd forgotten how to do basic things like ask for help.
I'd forgotten that relapses are not anything to be ashamed about, and I'd forgotten to look for support from online services or hotlines.

I went to therapy today and the theme of this week was self-kindness. 

Too long I've been angry at myself for feeling down, too long I've felt weak and useless for crying about my problems. My therapist suggested this is due to my trauma and not having comfort when it was necessary. I don't self soothe, I attack myself with forms of self harm and my pyschosis throwing negative comments my way. It's time to try and sit with my (totally valid) emotions and tell yself it's okay not to be okay. I mean, that's the message I send to everyone else right?

Is it hypocrytical of me to tell people to be kind to themselves when I am unkind to myself? I think it might be..

As always, seek help if you're feeling overwhelmed like I am, reach out to anyone who is acting differently, and finally GIVE YOURSELF SOME SELF-LOVING.


You really are deserving of kindness and love and good things.

xoxo

Troubled soul

I reached out today, because I'm starting to feel like I did before my recovery started.
I rediscovered my therapy writing book and was saddened to find I related once again to the bleakness I felt when I poured desperate words onto the tear-streaked pages.


I am going to take a friend up on an offer to go to her church group. Not because I believe, but because apparently it's a healing community and, at this point, any positivity sounds perfect.
We're also going to do two evenings a week going for a stroll and talk.


I'm also going to start writing in my therapy book again because I found that to be healing back then.
Perhaps do some art, too. I need to create a healing environment so I can feel planted again instead of buried.


I'm making heartfelt pledges of love to people for no other reason than I'm terrified to be left alone and abandoned, when honestly I'm not capable of loving anyone right now. I'm getting fatter than ever and my anxiety is at an all-time-high.
The only thing (thank goodness for medication) that is under control is my psychosis, although that took a long time to sort out.

Can a troubled soul ever be truly soothed?

Repelling magnets

Everything seems so confusing right now. Imagine two magnets of the same pole repelling eachother, but also trapped so close that they are vibrating with force; now imagine one magnet is your depression and the other is your anxiety.

Your depression wants you to die. It's whole purpose is to make you give up, to end it all.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is terrified of losing you. It's petrified of death, it's purpose is to keep you safe and alive, to fight or run from situations which threaten you. 

You're battling against living whilst battling against dying; the most complex conundrum.

How do you satisfy yourself? You can't. Nothing you do will quiet the noise. Fears of dying collude with fears of continuing on in pain and suffering. 

How do you explain to someone that you don't want to die, but you don't want to live either? 

Motivation

Something I struggle with a lot is motivation. How do you make yourself do things when you'd honestly just rather be asleep?
You don't want to get up to eat, don't want to see anyone or do anything (even the fun stuff) but lay there and be as close to death as you can get; by sleeping.
As I yawn away I wonder if there is a reason behind this. Is it my medication? Is it my depression?
All I gt from professionals is 'the more you do the easier it gets' but I don't want to do anything that's the entire point! I really just do not see the point in doing anything anymore.
I started to write this in a hope to figure out what was going on in my head, but I can't even find the energy to care about this. 
I just want to fade out of existence.

Listen

Today, I opened up to a medical professional about having urges to self-harm and suicidal thoughts and her response was 'Oh, but you look lovely today.'
Why are we STILL judging with our eyes and not listening with our ears?
I felt like asking if I'd still look lovely if I'm dead, but I didn't I just signed and resigned myself to further lack of care from those who are supposed to protect and help me.
If someone tells you they are struggling, believe them. Don't find things to counter their claims. Who cares if they put makeup on? Maybe, like me, they didn't want the entire world to know they are falling apart. Maybe they needed that mask to get through the day. Maybe it was their war paint.
If she had looked closer she would have seen my chipped nails and my unwashed hair but no, she didn't see past the well-put-together outfit I chose. 
It's so easy to fool people into seeing that you are okay. It's our jobs to speak up; and more importantly to listen.