'Nobody wants to help you. That’s the bottom line. You’re either too crazy for their help or not crazy enough. If you’re constantly self-harming or attempting suicide, you’re just babysat and thrust pills to numb you into being unable to make those stupid decisions. There’s no therapy, just suicide watch. If you’re not suicidal, if you’ve kicked the self-harm habit, but you’re feeling like you’re losing control; nobody cares. You’re not a danger to yourself or anyone so what does it matter? Who cares if it feels like your grey matter is slowly unravelling part by part? Who cares if you can’t remember who you are for a second, or if you don’t know how to do something you were fluent at the previous day? Who cares if it feels like you’re slowly drowning whilst everyone acts like they can’t see you gasping for air? You’re not psychotic so you’re not a priority. And when you eventually become that way; it’s inevitable really if these early warning signs aren’t adhered to- you’ll be too unwell for treatment. The cycle continues, the lack of care is consistent.'


'Some days I’m just like anyone else. I get up, I Britishly moan about getting up, and I proceed to continue with my day. I grumble about the weather, about public transport, and other people, and I count down the hours til I can return home. Other days I am not like that. Sometimes I have to give myself 15 pep talks just to get out of bed, and another 10 to get in the shower. Just to put a sock on my foot seems extraordinarily difficult, I’m holding back tears as I force myself to do the simplest tasks. Some days, I can’t make it past the front door.. It’s like if I open it I will be sucked into the void, it will be the end of me. Other days I can override my terror and I get further. Maybe I’ll make it to my work place, or the train station. I’m determined to just do something as simple as live my life. But I freeze; my mind and body shut down. I’m stuck in this moment of panic for what seems like an eternity, screaming at myself that I’m going to be late, that it will all be okay if I just MOVE.. but I can’t. And finally I realise I can’t fight this, that despite the shame and crushing sensation that I’ve let everyone down, I’m simply asking too much of myself.
Please don’t judge people for not managing. Please don’t assume they don’t care, or that they just can’t be bothered. Please bear with me, with us, when we simply can’t manage. Trust me when I say we feel bad enough already, we’re already self-punishing and criticising, we already feel worthless and like we don’t deserve you. We’re sorry, but it’s our burden and some days it’s just more than we can bear.'

'Sick of being sick. The fact that every time I’m in a mood above average my mother panics that I’m manic, which when I am inevitably leads to me making fucked up life decisions before crashing into a depressive, suicidal slump. It essentially means I can’t even trust my own happiness. Is it real, is it mania? I can’t go out without checking in, I can’t crash overnight somewhere without calling ahead, because they fear the worst. I’m almost 27, I’ve been an adult for 9 years, and yet I have to be safeguarded. There’s no cure, no magic pill, this is my life. Most days I can manage it, I can survive the emotional roller-coaster before breakfast, the tsunami of thoughts at lunch and the hurricane of regret for dinner. I even cope at night when I’m drowning in unwanted memories. Every day is a battle. For once, I’d just like to breathe.'

'I can do this. One minute one hour one day at a time, I can do this. I'll breathe and keep in check with myself. I'll do priority things one at a time. I'll utilise self care. I'll try to always remember self-love is the most important thing; if I look after my mind and body it will last longer and feel happier. I can do this. I will do this.