Why Me?

I sometimes lay here and wonder 'why me.' 
I think everyone does at some point in time, every one of us going through tough times has a moment of self-pity and resentment; even if we don't all admit it.
I'm not a bad person, and I've endured a lot of bad things without allowing it to corrupt me into a cruel or bitter one. So when I hear about karma, I wonder when I'll get mine recompensed. Surely I'm entitled to a whole backlog of compensation for all the suffering I've endured (mostly silently) in my life?
I know lots of people are suffering, lots of people are undeserving of the hand they have been dealt, and I'm not special or more entitled to  happiness than any of them. But sometimes, just sometimes, you have these moments where you just don't care about the others and you just get sad and angry about your situation. I think it's only natural to do so, especially when it's unrelenting and showing no signs of easing up or stopping. 
It's so important in those moments not to let go of your blessings. It's very easy to fall down into a pit of despair and only see the negatives, but there is always something to be thankful for. 
Today I am thankful for being alive. I'm grateful that I have a loving family and a few supportive friends to give me comfort. I'm appreciative of a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food in my stomach. I'm blessed that I am able to recoupurate with no real financial responsibility or mounting medical bills. 
I'm honoured to be able to see another day.
I'm still angry, and feeling like I'm trapped at the bottom of a deep empty well, but you do have to remind yourself that there are good things in your life, however small and insignificant they might seem at the time. I have never found it helpful when people tell you there are people worse off than you. There will always be someone doing better than you, too; does that mean you shouldn't be happy or proud of any success? No, of course not, so don't tell me I can't feel down or hopeless or whatever else I feel. Don't try to invalidate my suffering by comparing it to others. Pain, grief and mental illness are not things to compare. We all experience things differently, we all process things differently and we all react and cope in different ways. There is no right or wrong when it comes to emotions and feelings. 
Today I am angry. And I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

Pumpkins and family

Today was another tough one, in a tide of tough ones. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep, or the last time my head didn't scream at me dusk to dawn. I can't remember the last time I felt like myself and didn't feel lost and hopeless.

But today I did something new and I surprised myself. I got lost in the concentration and the slight frustration of carving a pumpkin. It was oddly calming, the monotonous task of scooping out the seeds, and tougher than it looked to follow the lines of the template with little saws and whatnot. 

I'm not saying it cured me, I'm not going to pretend I don't have a million thoughts flying around my head and a buzz of voices getting me down, but for a small moment I felt human. I was proud of my accomplishment and I enjoyed getting in the Hallowe'en spirit with my uncle, both toiling away quietly together. 

I've been staying with my auntie and uncle and my cousins and playing with the dogs, keeping distracted but not overstimulated, and they've been wonderful. I had moments of laughter and genuine happiness but also didn't feel like I had to hide when things were getting me down. It's so wonderful to be able to just be yourself and not have to wear a mask all day or feel like you can't laugh or you're 'suddenly fine.' Mental illness isn't just a complete pit of depression, and we're human. I think people forget I will still laugh at the puppy having a mad moment and I'll still appreciate a hug and a joke and a chat; and still be unwell. It's nice my family can understand this. 

I'd like to dedicate this post to my wonderful family who never cease to warm my heart with their generosity and kindness, whilst never making me feel like a burden. I hope they know I'd move heaven and earth for them all if I could. 
I'm trying so hard to find myself again. Thank you all for being patient and for loving me anyway 💙🎃

Keeping it real

I always want to be positive when I post, but I also have to keep things real. I don't think it's helpful to write about the silver lining if I myself can't see it. It seems disgenuine, and I honestly don't think it's healthy for either myself or anyone else reading who is going through a particularly bad time right now.

I know, I actively know, that emotions aren't permanent. I know that things won't feel like this forever, and I know I'm loved and underneath the pain I'm a bright, strong, and pretty awesome person. I know all of these things the same as I know my reflection; but right now I just can't believe it.

Things have been so rough lately. Today I tried to be the strong one, because someone I love needed me, but I crumbled. I feel like I let people down, that I should have fought harder; but I've got nothing left. That's the sad truth. I can barely handle keeping myself from falling off the edge, and as much as it hurts to admit; I can't be someone else's life raft right now because I'm too busy drowning.

It's exhausting because it never seems to end. I know tomorrow will be more of the same, more pain and more suffering. I feel so alone with it all; I'm the one who people lean on, and I'm starting to realise I have almost nobody willing/able to do it for me. 

I'm a strong woman. I am self-reliant to the core and I'm not good at asking for help, I know this. But I also know that I've got extremely limited options should I need to reach out and so I feel so alone with this.

Honestly; I feel like each day I'm losing another part of myself, and it scares me.


If anyone is reading this and needs support, there are many helpful places you can get help. The NHS website has a long list of helplines and services, or for more immediate support you can visit your GP, local walk-in centre, community mental health team, crisis team or A&E depending on your situation and the severity of your needs. You matter, take care of yourself ❤

Iceberg, dead ahead

Never really know how to start these off. Do you have to always be clever or witty or eye-catching? What gets people interested, what decides which post is read more than another?
Of course views have never been the point of this, I write for me, but it does interest me how my views fluctuate sometimes quite drastically. 
Waffle aside..
Things have been a struggle recently. I'm barely holding it together, struggling to recall my coping mechanisms, struggling to remember what I'm fighting for.
I know I'm loved, I know I'm worthy of good things but sometimes it's hard to feel that. It's as though suddenly I'm separated from reality and what I know and what I can draw from in a time of need are vastly different. 
It's the fight between rational and irrational; and lately the dish has been running away with the spoon. 
At which point in time do you question your sanity? Is it a case of saying 'well I'm still asking, so I must still be here' or is it more complex than that? We've all walked into a room and forgot why, we've put things away in odd places or found ourselves talking aloud and laughed that we're losing the plot. 
This isn't that; this is me starting to analyse family and friends, suspicious of agendas and unsure of my place in the world. The latter isn't so unfamiliar a concept, I think all of us struggle to understand our role and where we fit in to the larger scheme, but I mean life itself. It's not the panic of a woman wondering what to do with her life or if there should be more; it's me saying 'do I belong amongst the living?' 
I don't know if I was cut out for it, everything I do seems to be wrong. I've never once felt any kind of comfort in anything, nothing that ever screamed 'this is who I am and where I belong.' 
No residence has ever felt like home, no friend has ever felt 'forever' and no career or education path has ever felt tangible.
Some days I feel too intelligent and others I feel incredibly dumb. 
I'm having a continuous life crisis that's about to hit it's decade anniversary and showing no signs of relief. 
If I'm honest, it's just been a crisis as far back as memory will serve. I turn 28 in a month with nothing to show for it bar a lot of awful stories, post traumatic stress disorder and a multitude of fat cells.
Here it is, here's the absolute truth of it all. I can't remember the last time I felt like a human being. I've just become this living breathing thinking entity that looks and sounds like me but there's something a little off and I'm not really running the show.
I can see 'iceberg, dead ahead' but by the time I've wrestled back the steering it's too late. I'm aboard a sinking ship.
 S.O.S
 

Ask Twice

What I always want to scream at people when I talk about mental health, is "who cares what they look like!" 

The amount of times I hear 'well they don't look ill' or words to that effect is honesty criminal. It is a mental illness, not a look illness. My mental state can not, and should not be determined based on whether I painted my nails or put make up on. I can be suicidal and still brush my hair, and I can feel pretty okay and not be bothered to even wash it. You don't have to be bed bound to be depressed and you don't have to be climbing the ceilings to be manic. Each person presents in their own individual way, and sometimes episodes for the same person can present in completely different ways. There is no 'one size fits all when it comes to mental illnesses. Some people are high functioning and maintain jobs and look presentable and like their lives are perfect but inside they are screaming from the moment they wake to the moment they go to bed. Some people's lives are falling apart but their homes are immaculate. Other people can't bring themselves to shower let alone do housework. Every one of those people, and every person in between, all deserve compassion, respect, and support. Why are we trying to invalidate someone's emotions and experiences just because they don't fit into your ideals of how someone with mental illness should look or act? 

Stop saying 'you look fine' and start asking 'how do you feel?' Stop asking 'how things are going' and start asking 'how's your mind today?' We all have mental health, and we all need to take care of it. It doesn't matter if in public your hair is on fleek if at home your eyes are on leak. (Yep, that was awful but I'm rolling with it) 

So many of us say we're fine because we're afraid of having our feelings invalidated. Next time you see someone, ask twice. It's a simple thing to do but it shows you care. We need to stop assuming and start asking. Maybe this way we can start helping others, and ourselves, to remove the 'I'm fine' mask and be more open about what we are struggling with.

'If you're going through hell; keep going'

Sir Winston Churchill said this, and many other inspiring things, during his life; but it's this one I keep coming back to, alongside this one:

'It's okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure when you do get up, you rise as the whole damn fire' - Colette Werden

There are a thousand quotes I could utilise to drive this point home, and I really struggled to pick just two, but I felt like theese went hand-in-hand with one another. You've reached hell, you're burning and suffering; why quit now? Why not absorb the fire and laugh in the face of the flames? And once you've gone all the way through hell and back you'll look at the flames not in fear, but as though to challenge them. You see, if it didn't destroy you then; why should it now? 

It's always easier said than done. I'm blindly stumbling through the dark of the labyrinth in my mind I call hell and the heat and misery is unbearable. Some days I can cover miles, I anticipate the trick floors and the fake corridors, and other days I'll end up taking a wrong turning and get chased further away by my inner demons. But each day I pick myself up and somehow find it in me to go again. 

Perhaps I'll never escape, but I'd rather die fighting on my feet than cowering somewhere knowing I gave up. That's not going to be how my story ends. I'm a warrior, I'm a survivor; and I'll face the devil with every ounce of courage I own. I'll meet his eye without hesitation and I'll do my best to take him down with me. 

I am the author of my history, I and I alone can write my ending. After all, it's not about what happens to you, it's how you react to it. I choose to fight until my very last breath, I choose to believe there are great things waiting for a brave and weary soldier who never cowered from the important battles; who fought for what she believed was honourable and just.

10 reasons to live

It's World Mental Health Day 2018

I wanted to comprise a list of things for people who may be struggling, to provide a little positivity. Things have been tough for me lately and still are, so it's partly to also remind myself what I'm fighting for. When things get tough and I tread down that track of  'am I better off not here' it's good to remember reasons to live. Of course my friends and family are also reasons, seeing my nephew grow up and being there at my sister's wedding; but it's my life and I don't believe you should live for others so I've not added them to my list.

1. There will never be another job you are more qualified to do than being you. Not one single other person on Earth can be you, and that's pretty amazing. 

2. In a world full of chaos, change and anarchy, there are many constants. The sun will always rise and set, (even if the weather's bloody awful and you sometimes forget what the sun is) every single day. The stars will constantly shine, the sea will ebb and flow, and Monday will always lurk around the corner. And there will always, always, be someone in Margate begging someone for a fag. 

3. There are so many things you have yet to discover and experience. You'd be hard pressed to find a single person on their death bed who has done absolutely everything they wanted to do and had nothing left they wanted to see, do, or achieve. The common saying is that there's not enough time, not that there is too much.

4. Emotions aren't permanent, even when they feel that way. Sometimes I can be depressed for months, and I think I'm never going to feel any better; but somehow, I always do. Happiness can't last forever, and neither can sadness. Some grief never really leaves us, but in time we manage to let the light back in. It's never dark forever, it's just not possible.

5. There is absolutely no evidence that death brings peace, or eternal happiness. Of course there's no evidence that it brings fire and brimstone either; but what if the afterlife is worse? What if we're jumping out of the frying pan into the fire? Some Christians say to self-murder is a sin which cannot be repented, which of course will send you to sizzle with the big man downstairs. As a non-believer of course if it turns out to be true I'll be sent to fry regardless, but it's something to ponder.

6. Even if we are unaware of it, every person in this world has an impact on it and upon those we interact with. You may be someone else's reason to get up in the morning, you may inspire people in ways you couldn't possibly imagine. You may say or do something that inadvertently (or blatantly) changes the world for the better. Your suffering may spurn you on to ensure others don't experience the same. You may become the compassionate voice a friend needs, your experiences may make you a more understanding partner, brother or sister, or parent. 

7. The world, when we look away from human destruction, is beautiful. Nature is an incredible force, and yet so awe-inspiringly peaceful. Nature wishes to co-exist, it wishes to thrive. Some humans are like this too. Some humans wish no harm, and try to protect our planet and all who inhabit it. Sometimes we find it hard to see the good in the world, but it's there. Behind the mass media's scaremongering there are good everyday people who live simple lives; and that's a majority. Most people don't want to harm you. Most people care about other people. Most people struggle sometimes. 

8. You're not alone. 'Well, if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else; because if its just you alone, you're not as much of a threat'- Luna Lovegood, Harry Potter
If we exchanged 'You-Know-Who' for 'your mental illness' then it's a wonderful quote. Your illness doesn't want you to win. It wants you isolated, frightened and detached from society. It wants to feed on your despair. The truth is, 1 in 4 of us has or will have a mental illness this year. You're not alone, you don't have to suffer in silence. You can get through this with a little help and support, and it is out there.

9. Actually living instead of just existing is where the true joy is. There's something in this world for everyone. Maybe you're not ready to get out there just yet, and that's okay, but there are so many opportunities to jump-start adrenaline, challenge your mind, or just feel alive; even if it's just sending a risky message or driving a convertible and feeling the wind fly through your hair (leaving you with a knotted mass of hell.) Perhaps you want to experience standing on a stage in front of an audience, or jumping out of a plane. Perhaps you want to travel, or climb a mountain. DO IT.

10. Music, laughter, love and art/literature are the closest thing we 'muggles' will ever get to magic, and both are easily obtainable. Why wouldn't you want to live in a world full of magic? 

Hope

Some people talk about hope as a beautiful thing, something to cherish and hold on to.
I see hope as a opportunity to be let down.
In my experience, the more hopeful you are the harder it hits you when it doesn't work out the way you hoped. When you allow yourself to hope that someone will be different, that you can trust in them or a system, it hurts even more when you're proved wrong.
My childhood was spent believing you couldn't trust. My early adulthood was spent reinforcing that belief. The last two years I've been learning to challenge those beliefs and allowing myself to trust; allowing myself to hope people are better than I believe them to be.
Unfortunately it takes months, years even, to override a negative with a positive, and only seconds to revert back to where you began.
Letting someone down who struggles with abandonment issues, and/or with deep-rooted trust issues and a built-in self preservation model of self-relience at sometimes harmful costs, is giving them proof that they were right not to reach out in the first place. 
No, of course you didn't say that; but actions speak louder than words. Excuses are irrelevant because inconsistency is a dagger to my heart. Rationally, I know it isn't personal. Rationally I also know and understand most reasoning behind such things; after all I'm reasonably intelligent and, though admittedly I lack tact in most cases, I am rather empathetic towards other's plights.
Unfortunately, my irrational mind generally takes the wheel in these scenarios and a lot of painful and self-debasing thoughts and emotions rear their ugly heads. 
'It's my fault, they don't care about me and why would they? I'm a burden and I'm useless and stupid and... dare I think it? Am I better off dead?'
Of course whilst I'm thinking this my auditory hallucinations are in full swing, loving the freefall, using the dip in my near impenetrable stronghold to bully me into submission. 
Suddenly I'm now battling three foes instead of one, and I flip the override switch and mosey on down into dissociation-ville. Here I'm aware nothing is okay, but I'm so detached from it all I hardly care. Everything just feels hazy and heavy and a little alien. I know I have to go back but I just ride it out.
At least in that state I don't have to worry about hope. I gave up on that a long time before I got here.

We matter

I feel numb, as though someone scooped my nerve endings out, and yet everything is heightened. I feel like a zombie on steroids, dead inside but somehow living; somehow aware. I’m exhausted, but can’t sleep. I’m trapped, just existing, and honestly at times I just want out.

When I really struggle, I try to think about what I would do if I were a stranger. I ask myself 'what would I say to someone who was telling me these exact same things?'

I'd try and tell them that emotions aren't permanent. I'd remind them that they've survived 100% of the things they've encountered so far and therefore there's no reason to suggest they won't survive this. I'd remind them that they matter, that they're loved. I would never, for a moment try to say something like ‘I couldn’t cope without you,’ or ‘think of the pain you’ll leave behind.’ I don't think anyone should be guilt-tripped when opening up. I'd try and help them find a way to cope, help them through their pain. They need help, not more to worry about.

I also try to remember that, even if I can't always feel it, I'm loved by many, many people. I try to remind myself that I'm ill not a burden and that I'm worth loving even if I'm a bit low and erratic some days, manic and self-destructive others, and difficult mostly.

Things get hard sometimes, and mental illness especially can really take you to some deep, dark places. I've been on the edge a few times. Perhaps I'm realising that I'm teetering a little closer than I thought; but I know I've got a great support system and I'm determined not to bottle it all up inside. I plan to be open and honest and to utilise my self-care techniques. Stay distracted, stay away from destructive people and behaviours, and most importantly- stay safe.

For anyone who feels alone with these feelings; you're not. You matter, you deserve love and support through both the good times and the bad.

If you're trying to be there for someone feeling this way, then you're already doing the hardest part by simply being there. You don't need all the answers, you don't need to be a therapist. All you can do is be a consistent friend or support, and encourage them to reach out if necessary to professionals. 

There are plenty of helplines like Mental Health Matters or the Samaritans or you could search for places in your area. If you feel you or someone needs immediate care then there's always the nearest a&e or you can call an ambulance/101 depending on the severity.

Like I have to remind myself every now and again, there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. We all need some from time to time..yes, even the "normal" people. 

Resilience

I found you can cope with someone repeatedly letting you down. You see, they break you down day after day until one day you're nothing but rubble. And as hard and unbearably painful that is, after that point there's literally nothing further they can do. They broke you and yet you are still here, still breathing. Suddenly it doesn't shock you, or hurt you the next time. You find instead of doing structural damage, it just rebounds. So you rebuild, and you take solace in the fact that if a person is that destructive, they can't be happy. You no longer look internally for reasons why they caused you pain and you realise you actually pity them. You know you can always rebuild, that you've already survived the worst things imaginable and you didn't die. That's why damaged people are dangerous.. They know they can survive.

Late night thoughts

Sometimes I have loads on my mind, other times it's literally empty. Like; I know there are things I actually should be worrying about or thinking about but there's just nothing.

Today is not the latter, I have a thousand thoughts racing through my head and apparently being exhausted beyond words both physically and mentally isn't making one iota of difference.

I've had so many busy days, trying to keep myself from falling off the edge, and I'm a little worried now I've got a few 'nothing days' it will all catch up with me; but I'm too exhausted to force something else. Even God (if you believe such things) took the 7th day off and, whilst I'm not moulding the building blocks of life, I'm also not an almighty magical being; and keeping myself alive is bloody exhausting, thank you very much.

It's taken me two hours to write such a tiny amount of what amounts to nonsense, because the words are floating about and it's hard to connect anything that makes much sense. But I'm persevering. I needed to write this more than I needed sleep, because it keeps me grounded sometimes. It's as important to write about nothing as it is about masterpieces, because it keeps the story from being too one-sided. My life isn't just tapping away about inspirational thoughts or asking the kind of questions that have you debating the answer, sometimes my brain's a-blank and I sit here staring at a screen thinking 'there must be something' but I just come up with nada. 

Every day is a lesson, every failure leads to success; sometimes the best art isn't the most beautiful; it's the piece that you glean something from. I might not be telling you anything of note, but I'm pouring real, raw, thoughts and they're pretty unfiltered because I'm trying to maintain a flow of consciousness.

I've reached out to everyone I possibly can. I've complained, I've petitioned, I've given myself migraines from the stress of asking for help. I've handed the situation over to my mother's capable hands because nobody fights injustice better than her without a law degree; though arguably even those with them would perhaps find her a fair opponent.

For now I sign off, and hope a restful, undisturbed sleep is on the cards. I'll even settle for just undisturbed; I think asking for both is probably aiming too high.

I don't want to talk

No, I don’t want to talk right now. I don’t even want to think. I don’t even want to breathe, it’s too loud.
The thing about silence is it isn’t accessible. There’ll always be a breeze, or birdsong, or a car passing by. A slammed door, someone coughing. And even if you could eradicate all that, even if you didn’t hear your breathing; you can’t silence thoughts. I can't silence the voices in my head anymore than I can control the tide. 
I don’t want to hear anything anymore. Not the soft whirring of my laptop fan, or the muffled tick-tocking of the clock across the room, or the hum of the respective motors keeping both the fridge and freezer cool. Not the steady rhythm of my lungs, nor the thud of my heart pumping blood around my body. 
So no, I don’t want to talk. It’s far too loud already.

Reaching Out

Sometimes it's not something you can explain, it's more something you can feel: a weight on your chest, a chill in your bones that doesn't disperse no matter how warm you get, a sensation of pressure in your head like it's trapped in a vice, or distorted vision and sound as though you're experiencing the world through a veil. 

I don't feel depressed, I still have goals and things I view as positive. I'm not manic, I haven't the energy. I'm not feeling reflective or stable; I just feel on edge, and I don't know how to explain it. 
I'm not paranoid, because I'm not envisioning that this is some conspiracy or that someone's out to get me. However, I'd be dumb to not be a little wary of what this all means for me going forwards.
It's more than a little anxiety, it's like I've got a thousand Sneakoscopes (Harry Potter reference for anyone wondering) whistling and spinning in my head but I'm constantly hitting the override button because I can't find any known threat.

PTSD is hard to manage because you're battling a threat that's long gone. You're wired for a war that remains only in your memory, but still just as afraid as you were at the time. Flashbacks aren't cute things you post on Instagram on a Friday, they're not as simple as recalling a memory; your brain transports you there and not only can you see the event unfolding but you can taste, smell, hear and feel everything as though it is actually reoccurring at that moment in time. It's the closest thing you'll ever get to time travel I'd imagine; except you have no control of the destination or how it affects you.

BPD is hard to manage because one of the most unpleasant traits is how deeply you feel emotions. It's said to be like getting third degree burns due to the intensity. I've said this before in other posts I'm certain, but I just want to hammer this point home. Feelings HURT us. And they're confusing and overwhelming and many times you find yourself questioning if what you are feeling is rational or just amplified way out of proportion. 'Should I feel this way?' Is something I think about numerous times a day.

I have both PTSD and BPD; so when my flashbacks surface not only am I having to face the trauma again, but it's like having lava poured onto my flesh at the same time. 

I've never really explained this to anybody, but I don't want to be touched when I'm emotional because I can't handle a single other sensation. It's not comforting to me in that moment, it's just another thing to try and process. I know it's probably hard for my family to have me reject their comfort, after all nobody wants to see somebody suffer, but it's torture for me to be cuddled when I feel like my insides are being liquefied. I have to self-soothe; maybe this also stems from my childhood and self-reliance but it really is just too much for me. Once the pain has reduced to a more manageable level then I can settle a little and may be willing to be comforted with more than words.

I do feel subsequently that, as when these traits are traumatising me hand-in-hand with one another my psychosis is at it's most controlling, when I ask for help from services designed for these difficulties I am not wrong for expecting at least a returned phone call. I am a huge believer and advocate of the 'reach out' campaign but recently have been left feeling abandoned and incredibly alone in all of this. 

Of course I employ the coping techniques I've learned over the years, and I implement ways to keep myself safe but when you're told to ask for help (which goes against my very nature) and then get none for your effort, it's very damaging. There's still an unspoken issue in the system where you're either too well or too ill and it appears if you're somewhere dead centre to those points you can get some help and if not; better luck next time? 

Why does it seem to take reaching crisis point for someone to take you seriously? Why is it when you're sat there crying about how frightened you are and how damn hard you're trying to stay sane and alive that you're seemingly left to fight it out alone?

I thought long and hard about posting this, because I'm not in any way suggesting people don't reach out, it's always the right thing to do. I'm going to keep doing so, no matter how devastating the outcome seems, because I know I deserve it.


For tonight at least, I'm going to get an early night after dinner and a bath and try not to think about the million things I'll end up thinking about anyway 😪