Trying to keep positive

Every day I want to be positive, I want to be the best version of myself.

Before I open my eyes I am always thankful I actually can, that I didn't give up and that my mental illness didn't break me; that death hasn't yet claimed me.

It's hard to remain positive when you have negative surroundings, though. When someone is always anticipating your failure, ready to point out your flaws. I'm not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes, I am not very good at looking long-term due to my impulsive personality and my obsessive need to get whatever it is in my head. The problem is, it's very easy to do that when it's an object. When it's a life-long commitment such as a job, well I could easily obtain one. Could I maintain one? Unlikely. 

I am not steady, I'm like the tide ebbing and flowing and constantly contradicting myself and my needs. One moment I think I should stay single because it's healthy, the next I'm actively trying to find someone to love. One moment I want to move out already because it's time to stand on my own two feet, next minute I'm panicking that I'm not remotely ready.

I've never done anything maliciously, I've never wanted to inconvenience anyone or upset them; I just get ideas in my head and I can't stop them until they are accomplished. Why then, haven't I become a superstar? Because I still don't quite know what my purpose is. I know I want to help people, I know I want to make a difference in the world and that's why I started this blog and why I campaign with Time to Change. 

I honestly have so many things running through my head, I'm trying to find my right path and in the meantime I'm working hard behind the scenes to build up a personal campaign trail. I've featured in Time to Change films, I've written my testimony which I'll explain more about next week, and I've attended events and signed petitions. It may seem like I am just sitting on my bed all day but I am constantly listening for news on mental health law changes, amendments to the rights inpatients have in hospitals, and retweeting, writing, helping make these things happen. Mostly, I tackle stigma on the internet. I email companies about products that are inappropriate or stigmatising, and ask them to think about re-branding or removing said product from their websites.

I try to be positive about the future, but it's difficult when I have people acting as though I have no regard for mine. It couldn't be farther from the truth.

Aspirations

I just bought myself a new bed. The final touches of my perfect escapism; my room.

Some people may think this is an odd thing to do, but comfort is key when you're not feeling well.

I didn't buy it to spend my life in it; just the odd duvet day and most evenings.

I have a few long-term goals I'm aiming towards as I reach 30 in two year's time and I'm still unemployed, still living at home, and still struggling with my mental health.

Firstly, to get through the next stage of treatment, a new form of therapy designed to help me manage my past traumas and find healthy ways of letting go, but not reverting back to burying it all. I've learned denial doesn't work in the long term.

My 30th gift to myself is a little trip to Rome. I've been saving since last year and I really want to make this dream happen. I'd also like to have the ball rolling on moving out by that time, if not shortly beforehand. I'd like the big 3-0 to be me stepping out as a (almost) independent woman, standing on my own two feet.

In the 5 year plan, I'd be doing part-time paid work, living on my own, and supporting myself mentally with the help of relatives and friends when necessary; nobody can do it all alone nor should they. 

I'd be working towards in the 10 year plan having a full-time job which financially means I no longer have to rely on Government assistance for housing or other amenities. One day in that future I'd be saving towards a car, too.

I have no plans of doing nothing with my life. However I do know when I have to take a back seat and let my brain catch up to the outside world, and that should be okay.

I have lots of exciting projects coming up in the next few weeks that I'll be talking about once completed! Things are feeling positive again and I'm ever so thankful to those who have been here through the constant rain. 

The sun has got it's hat on...

Good days are okay too

What I find hard to swallow is that when I have a good day, my mental health is questioned. 
It's something the government do and I joke about them being like "forget the 364 bad days, you have a good day? You must be fine."
I don't expect it from people close to me. It seems like perhaps I choose to do the good things but it's because I don't tell people the days I cancelled or rescheduled things. I give focus on the positive days because it gives me less guilt to talk about those. It's not selective to struggle some days and manage others. I'd love to have someone hold my hand but somedays I force myself out of my comfort zone because I'm an adult and sometimes you've just got to. You have to just remind yourself that people aren't always reliable and you can't always wait for someone to help you out. Sometimes that means putting on my big girl pants and others that means it waits another day.
Both of these are valid and should not be seen as me choosing to be well or unwell. 
I have cancelled many nice things to lay in bed and went to meetings I've dreaded. I've also cancelled things I've dreaded and done nice things; it's all what I feel I can manage at the time.
I wish people could be more understanding and look a little closer so they could see that. It would make my life a little more bearable, and make my good days far more positive.

What is 'normal?'

Today I felt strange, and I couldn't put my finger on it. 
I wasn't manic, wasn't depressed, not overly anxious...  I felt normal. 

I didn't trust it because I didn't know what that meant. Certainly wasn't fooled into believing I'd slept away all my problems, and I know I'm not suddenly cured, the chit chat of my voices are evidence against that; so what is different?

Did I sleep better? No, I had a terrible sleep last night.
Did I eat better? Not particularly.
Did I exercise? Not unless you count walking 2 roads and back.

Then suddenly I understood.

I wasn't feeling normal, just tired. I hadn't woken up enough for the pain to seep through yet.
It did get me wondering though, what is normal?

Is it a destination, a goal, an aspiration or just a word that means something completely different to each of us?

This is normal to me. What was happening this morning was strange because it actually felt abnormal to me. 

I realised my illness is my norm. Outside of that, outside of all the other pieces that make up who I am, I am lost.

Social butterfly or ball of anxiety?

Sometimes it must seem I'm the most social butterfly going. I go on nights out, I always seem to be doing things with people; so why do I spend almost every day alone? 

Because I'm actually far, far more comfortable in my own company. I actually am a ball of paranoid anxiety spiking out in fear and stress on the inside. So why do I do it?

I'm terrified of abandonment. I'm convinced everyone will get bored and move on without me. 
And, when I'm in the moment, I remember how nice it is to feel like a human being and not this hermit. 

Moral? Even the most outgoing people could be hiding anxiety; more nervous I am the louder and happier I seem. It's horrible, sometimes I wanna punch myself, but I hate uncomfortable silences and start overthinking so I have to fill the space!

5 things to remember when in 'recovery'

How do you just go from nothing to something? One day you're lying face down in despair and the next you're supposed to just be a functioning member of society? It seems as though the world expects this; they don't realise that tomorrow I may manage to lay on my back, the next day make it to the sofa, then suddenly I'm back on the floor again; but the next day I've walked about a bit. Today I wanted to talk about important things to remember whilst trying to heal. I planned to post this the other day but things have been really busy and it was my birthday yesterday so now I can post this as an older and hopefully slightly wiser person 😜



Comparison is the thief of joy. It shouldn't matter how our peers seem to be doing. Each and every one of is fighting a silent, valiant, and ultimately invisible battle in our minds. We all have hopes, we all have fears. There is no use comparing yourself to anyone else. That's like judging your swimming ability against a fish, or your writing skills against a snake. Some battles you are just not ever going to win. That's okay, as long as you win the war.


Everybody's lives are nothing like their social media proclaims it to be. We all pick and choose what we show on our profiles, we only post the photos we are happy with, and it's always with perfect angles and lighting; nobody is going to post the 27 similar ones that didn't quite make the cut. We keep secrets like how we really feel hidden, and we get away with it because we live in a world where nobody looks up from their screens long enough to question anything.



It's okay to feel angry. Seems simple, right? But for me I have a lot of misplaced anger and a fear of outwardly expressing it. I have to remind myself it is a valid emotion and that it's okay for me to be angry for the things I've been through; but it's not okay to be malicious towards myself or others.



Recovery isn't straight forward. It doesn't just show you each day managing a little better. Sometimes it's one step forward four steps back, other days you make no progress and sometimes you take five steps forward and stay there. None of these pathways are the same, and none are right or wrong. It doesn't make you weak to relapse and it doesn't make you stronger because you hit remission before another person. We all heal at different rates, we experience different obstacles and our brains are wired differently. 


It isn't the end of the world, or yours, if you relapse. It can feel like everything you did to stay well wasn't good enough, all your self-care routines suddenly aren't enough and you can't figure out what you did wrong; and it's because you didn't. Sometimes we just have a relapse, and it could be that the meds need changing up, or something has triggered a memory or just because you can't be strong every day. Whatever the reason, allow yourself the courtesy of being kind to yourself. It's challenging enough without beating yourself up because you think you failed. Try to see it as a positive that you coped for so long, and allow yourself to recuperate fully. 

Ramblings, new and old; but all relevant

I compiled a list of old blogs, tumblr posts, things I've scribbled in notepads or on word documents. I wanted to just give a raw account of how mental health can make you feel. Strong, weak, devastated, humble, hopeful..
Just extracts, some from a essay-like account of my life, some smaller but equally meaningful quotes I've left along my journey. I wanted to share them with you. Maybe some will resonate, perhaps one or two may shock you because some feel like they've been written by completely different people; but I promise they are all me and some even written on the same day. My mental health is not linear and neither has my journey been. I have good days and bad days like all of us.


'I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m just on autopilot, full of meds and caring just enough to keep myself alive. I wake up, I do the things whilst I drown in my mind and eventually I pass out and the cycle continues. Sometimes a little sliver of the old me pops out and there’s some humour and laughter there, bit of sass; but mostly I’m just a walking, talking shell. I’m not even upset about it because I don’t have the capacity to. Foot’s sleeping on the gas and I’m headed nowhere fast.'



'I’m trying to be better. Not medically; that’s not something I can change, but in the way I look at things. I want to be a better role model, a better advocate. I want to fight for the voiceless, I want to speak up and write about my struggles in a positive way. I’m not going to deny my bad ways, I’m just not going to let them define me.'



'I am a work in progress.'

'Nobody wants to help you. That’s the bottom line. You’re either too crazy for their help or not crazy enough. If you’re constantly self-harming or attempting suicide, you’re just babysat and thrust pills to numb you into being unable to make those stupid decisions. There’s no therapy, just suicide watch. If you’re not suicidal, if you’ve kicked the self-harm habit, but you’re feeling like you’re losing control; nobody cares. You’re not a danger to yourself or anyone so what does it matter? Who cares if it feels like your grey matter is slowly unravelling part by part? Who cares if you can’t remember who you are for a second, or if you don’t know how to do something you were fluent at the previous day? Who cares if it feels like you’re slowly drowning whilst everyone acts like they can’t see you gasping for air? You’re not psychotic so you’re not a priority. And when you eventually become that way; it’s inevitable really if these early warning signs aren’t adhered to- you’ll be too unwell for treatment. The cycle continues, the lack of care is consistent.'

'Some days I’m just like anyone else. I get up, I Britishly moan about getting up, and I proceed to continue with my day. I grumble about the weather, about public transport, and other people, and I count down the hours til I can return home. Other days I am not like that. Sometimes I have to give myself 15 pep talks just to get out of bed, and another 10 to get in the shower. Just to put a sock on my foot seems extraordinarily difficult, I’m holding back tears as I force myself to do the simplest tasks. Some days, I can’t make it past the front door.. It’s like if I open it I will be sucked into the void, it will be the end of me. Other days I can override my terror and I get further. Maybe I’ll make it to my work place, or the train station. I’m determined to just do something as simple as live my life. But I freeze; my mind and body shut down. I’m stuck in this moment of panic for what seems like an eternity, screaming at myself that I’m going to be late, that it will all be okay if I just MOVE.. but I can’t. And finally I realise I can’t fight this, that despite the shame and crushing sensation that I’ve let everyone down, I’m simply asking too much of myself.

Please don’t judge people for not managing. Please don’t assume they don’t care, or that they just can’t be bothered. Please bear with me, with us, when we simply can’t manage. Trust me when I say we feel bad enough already, we’re already self-punishing and criticising, we already feel worthless and like we don’t deserve you. We’re sorry, but it’s our burden and some days it’s just more than we can bear.'

'Sick of being sick. The fact that every time I’m in a mood above average my mother panics that I’m manic, which when I am inevitably leads to me making fucked up life decisions before crashing into a depressive, suicidal slump. It essentially means I can’t even trust my own happiness. Is it real, is it mania? I can’t go out without checking in, I can’t crash overnight somewhere without calling ahead, because they fear the worst. I’m almost 27, I’ve been an adult for 9 years, and yet I have to be safeguarded. There’s no cure, no magic pill, this is my life. Most days I can manage it, I can survive the emotional roller-coaster before breakfast, the tsunami of thoughts at lunch and the hurricane of regret for dinner. I even cope at night when I’m drowning in unwanted memories. Every day is a battle. For once, I’d just like to breathe.'

'I can do this. One minute one hour one day at a time, I can do this. I'll breathe and keep in check with myself. I'll do priority things one at a time. I'll utilise self care. I'll try to always remember self-love is the most important thing; if I look after my mind and body it will last longer and feel happier. I can do this. I will do this.

Monday night thoughts

The hardest thing for me is when people can't take another opinion on something. Like; if I feel something is stigmatising and I call it out, don't get personal and try to accuse me of taking away your rights. My job as a mental health campaigner is to challenge stigma where I see it. I am not in any way trying to accuse anyone; just attempting to debate about it in a friendly way and try to explain where I'm coming from with that view; that's all any of us can do. Not everybody is going to agree with you all the time, everyone has different ways of coping and of opening up about mental illness and no way is right or wrong, but we need to be more sensitive to those who may feel this is too far.

That's why I never like to assume how people feel, nor would I ever tell someone how to. We're each of us unique and not one human has the exact same experience or reaction to an experience as anyone else; which is why there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to treatment and healing. It's all too easy to fall in to the trap of 'well I felt like this so everyone must.' Grief, trauma, breakups. surprises; different people will react in ways they might not even expect. A death of one loved one may cause someone to grieve in a completely different way to another loss. There is no right or wrong way to feel in situations, and nobody has a right to invalidate those feelings.

It's too easy to say 'I'd never let anyone harm me' or 'I'd always report a crime' but people act in the moment in ways even they can't explain. You honestly don't know how you're going to react until you do. Freeze, panic, run, cry, attack; these are all options and some people will do one or all of these, or something completely different. Fear and shock can change you in ways you never thought possible.

Speaking of fear and shock, have you ever just sat back and question how you got to a certain point?

Wondered how things would have gone if you only said something sooner, if you just stayed home, if you didn't take the long way to work, if you just said no to that extra drink, if you we stronger, braver, smarter?

Or are you more of a 'done-bun-can't-be-undone' (1) kind of person? The kind that just goes with the flow and accepts their fate, because you think 'actually maybe things could have been worse if I didn't do that.'

I change my mind regularly; sometimes I think that we make our own fate, other times I think that our lives are like one of those multiple choice stories and it's all written out for us and our reactions and/or choices unwittingly change the way things end up. Either way, we have no way of truly knowing.

That's all my Monday night thoughts wrapped up, now I can start prepping for my birthday on Saturday...

🎂🎈🍹

(1) Insomnia, Stephen King

The wind through the windows

There's something that happens when your psychosis heads to the acute end of the scale. Everything is heightened. Any persistent noise is like torture, lights are brighter. Currently the wind is whistling through my windows and it sounds like one of those old school stove kettles at boiling point. 

I've been struggling with electrical humming noises in my house and certain pitches on the TV and the radio. Background noise is overwhelming, busy places are a auditory overload; everything seems to pierce through my fragile psyche and play havoc with my senses. Our smart meter also plays the song of it's people every time the heating comes on, which is just another of many needles to the brain.

This evening I feel paranoid, like someone is watching me. I've closed all the curtains and blinds but I can't shake the feeling I'm exposed to someone or something, or that someone can read my thoughts. Rationally, I know this isn't true. Honestly, though, I'm a little bit frightened that it might be.

I saw a friend today though, who is also struggling. It was nice to be able to just sit there and feel awful and know that we aren't alone going through it all. We both are fighting for our lives and our sanity to reach manageable levels, but we don't have to fight to keep our friendship alive; we have each other's backs. Not by taking on another person's problems, that's never helpful, but to remind each other to engage in self-care and to be kind to ourselves. 

The wind continues to whistle through the windows, and I continue to struggle. But each day I'm fighting is another day I don't allow it to beat me. I am determined to win.

Courage

 'Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow' - Mary Anne Radmacher 

Courage is one of those things that often we readily dismiss in ourselves. I don't feel brave. I don't feel as though I have courage; and yet every day that I wake up and face the day is courage. 

It's easy to pick words like resilient or strong to describe someone like me; but here's a new one:
Courage.

I have the courage to stand up to my own head and say 'not today, today I am going to win.' I have the courage to face my traumas and confront them. I have the courage to speak out; not just for me and my mental health journey, but for those who have get to find their voice. 

We are braver and stronger than we believe. I have the courage to fight another day. My fellow warriors, I salute your strength and bravery. We've got this; one hour, one day, one month, one year at a time. 💜

November Chill

It's dark and cold and for the majority of us this means glum faces, thick jumpers, and icy windscreens; but for the unlucky ones who struggle with low mood, this can really affect us.
When you're permanently signed off work as I am, getting up and out of bed is a challenge most days.  You find yourself asking: What are you getting up for? What purpose is there? I have to remind myself that the purpose is I never want to be like those grandparents Charlie Bucket had that just one day never again left the bed. I force myself to engage in things, I tell myself to write, to read, to go out my house. Some days, even on the most glorious of days, I still don't manage.It's okay, you have to pick your battles.
Unfortunately when the house is cold, and the outside is cold, and it's dark and windy and rainy, my mood dips even further. I am always more tired, more irritable, and more prone to hibernation and missed appointments when the weather is cold; it's just that much harder to stay focused and to ignore my anxiety. It's of course easy for someone to read this and go 'well so what, I struggle too but I don't have the choice' and they would be right except it isn't a 'I can't be bothered' reaction but a 'I really don't think I can do this' situation. 
I've said it before and will say it a thousand times, mental illness affects way more than emotions and mood. It can display as: stomach cramps, nausea, headaches/migraines, and many other physical issues like severe joint ache and all-over fatigue. So when the vitamin D is lacking, those with more sensitivity to chemical changes will struggle more than ever. 
My birthday is in two weeks and I'm trying to focus on how glittery my outfit is and ignore how cold it is going to be. I bought a tiara and it's sparking on my shelf reminding me that whilst I may not have blue blood; I'm 100% Queen of my life.
My advice is to keep warm, focus on things you love, wear layers and have a few favourite cosy jumpers and other items you feel safe in. Make teas and hot chocolates and get crafty; find things to do in the home so when you do have to go out, it's only for the important stuff and it may seem less daunting. Keep busy where you can and remember that it's okay to have a duvet day, and most importantly; it's okay not to be okay.