Repelling magnets

Everything seems so confusing right now. Imagine two magnets of the same pole repelling eachother, but also trapped so close that they are vibrating with force; now imagine one magnet is your depression and the other is your anxiety.

Your depression wants you to die. It's whole purpose is to make you give up, to end it all.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is terrified of losing you. It's petrified of death, it's purpose is to keep you safe and alive, to fight or run from situations which threaten you. 

You're battling against living whilst battling against dying; the most complex conundrum.

How do you satisfy yourself? You can't. Nothing you do will quiet the noise. Fears of dying collude with fears of continuing on in pain and suffering. 

How do you explain to someone that you don't want to die, but you don't want to live either? 

Motivation

Something I struggle with a lot is motivation. How do you make yourself do things when you'd honestly just rather be asleep?
You don't want to get up to eat, don't want to see anyone or do anything (even the fun stuff) but lay there and be as close to death as you can get; by sleeping.
As I yawn away I wonder if there is a reason behind this. Is it my medication? Is it my depression?
All I gt from professionals is 'the more you do the easier it gets' but I don't want to do anything that's the entire point! I really just do not see the point in doing anything anymore.
I started to write this in a hope to figure out what was going on in my head, but I can't even find the energy to care about this. 
I just want to fade out of existence.

Listen

Today, I opened up to a medical professional about having urges to self-harm and suicidal thoughts and her response was 'Oh, but you look lovely today.'
Why are we STILL judging with our eyes and not listening with our ears?
I felt like asking if I'd still look lovely if I'm dead, but I didn't I just signed and resigned myself to further lack of care from those who are supposed to protect and help me.
If someone tells you they are struggling, believe them. Don't find things to counter their claims. Who cares if they put makeup on? Maybe, like me, they didn't want the entire world to know they are falling apart. Maybe they needed that mask to get through the day. Maybe it was their war paint.
If she had looked closer she would have seen my chipped nails and my unwashed hair but no, she didn't see past the well-put-together outfit I chose. 
It's so easy to fool people into seeing that you are okay. It's our jobs to speak up; and more importantly to listen.

Valentine's day

Valentine's day is approaching and those who know me know that I find it the worst day on earth. Haters will say this is because I'm alone; honestly it's deeper than that. I won't deny I feel lonely sometimes, but ultimately I'm okay with being single. 
The reason I hate Valentine's day is how fake it is, how forced and unrealistic. Personally I'd rather low key gentle reminders every now and again from someone than a lavish day 'all about our love.' And love isn't perfect or beautiful, and cupid isn't fluttering around with his little arrows; love is real and raw and damn near difficult to live with sometimes. It's pain and sacrifice and putting someone else before you. Don't buy me a card and tell me you love me, SHOW me. In the little, every day things. 
If, unlike me, you are hoping for a Valentine; be your own. I bought myself flowers today because nobody can do a better job of loving me than myself. (Except maybe my mumma.)