Tired.

 

Fighting onwards

 I'm trying, guys.

I'm fighting, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm savouring each and every breath, I'm taking stock of everything that I'm grateful for.

But sometimes we need more, we need professional support;  and this is where I have been failed. 

Failed by an oversubscribed and underfunded service, and a psychiatrist that for whatever reason saw fit to belittle me, not listen, use prejudice..and then discharge me without so much as a indication on where to access help from then onwards.

It's been a month and I'm still coming to terms with the fact I've been hung out to dry. I wanted to write about it sooner but I couldn't find the words. 

The scariest part for me is that there is no doubt in my mind that others have been treated this way. I'm not special, I didn't get singled out. If they're comfortable doing this to me, they're comfortable doing it to other vulnerable people. 

I was unfortunately headed for a real low mood cycle when I received this horrifying decision and so the last few weeks I've been scraping the barrel trying to hold myself together. Utilising my entire support system, crying myself to sleep, pretending I am unaware that the voices are getting louder and the thoughts are getting darker. 

The reality I'm left with is I honestly don't know where to turn anymore. I'm lost at sea, a mental health patient without a service to turn to. 

But I'm not going to let them win. I'm not going to let this be the hill I die on. I will continue to fight for my rights and the rights of others. I will continue with my work with Rethink mental illness, I will chase up my official complaint with my community mental health team until I receive a satisfactory response.  

I just wish everything didn't have to be so goddamn hard all the time.

The Cost of Self Care

 Hi, me again.

I'm so sorry that my posts are always like drift wood in the sparse ocean. I get in my head too much about writing something 'worthwhile' and then it sucks all the joy out of what was supposed to be a hobby, and ultimately a safe place to ramble about my thoughts and feelings about whatever springs to mind. 

It's nearly 1am and I'm up thinking about finances. Mine, in particular. I'm not about to not be able to pay my bills, but I've been a little too spend-happy this month and it shows in my bank account. It ultimately means I need to be more careful in the upcoming months to level it out again. 

Why have I suddenly started spending money like it's gone out of fashion? I needed cheering up, and something about parcels coming to the door makes me feel like it's a special occasion. Depression has been creeping in through the cracks, the spaces in my brain where I've felt comfortable to neglect for a while because I've been stable. I haven't 'split' (bpd term) on anyone in a long time, I haven't self harmed in what seems like a lifetime.. of course I've taken one hand off the steering wheel. 

The problem with mental disorders is they prey on you at your most vulnerable. When you're unsuspecting. If you feel it's too good to be true, it usually is. And it's been feeling mighty fine. 

So, naturally, I've been doing lots of self care. I've slept a lot, because I've exhausted myself by being well for so long. I've treated myself to new skin care, bath and shower products, new clothes. Things that entice me to leave my bed and pyjamas behind and live a little, but also things that if I absolutely can't, it's okay too. I even picked up a new book for the weekend to snuggle up with. The only problem is, I don't have unlimited funds and I need to have a word with myself about what's a little treat and what's extravagant. Hint; the 7 boxes in one day probably leans towards the latter 🤣. 

Honestly though, I'm just happy every time I make a purchase that isn't edible.. but that's for another day.

Valentines' Day

Happy Valentines Day beautifuls! 

Today can be a difficult one, especially if we are single, but it's a PERFECT opportunity for some self loving!

I'm not saying you have to buy yourself flowers and chocolate (although, there's nothing stopping you) I'm saying take a moment to do something that makes your heart happy.

It might be healthy eating, or helping a stranger. It might be drawing yourself a bubble bath and putting a face mask on. (Not the covid type...) it might be working towards a goal, or taking a moment of serenity in this mad world.

It might be brushing your hair, or having a shower, or just tidying your room. 

Whatever little thing you do for you today, remember it's not just today you can do self love. 

We're worthy of it all year long 💕

 

2021: The Year of Self-Love

 

Too often I find myself saying 'I am *insert derogatory word here*'

Too often I make faces at myself in the mirror, or avoid it completely. 

Too often I scold myself as I look at pretty clothes online that would never in a million years fit my body, and shame myself for it. 

Too often I delete a photograph because I look too 'flawed.'

Too often I hear my friends mark themselves down on looks or intelligence. 

The problem is, as psychology has shown us, that when we tell ourselves these things; we believe them to be true. 

Not enough do I tell myself I'm smart.

Not enough do I tell myself my eyes sparkle.

Not enough do I tell myself that I am worthy. 

I started this blog a few years ago with the purpose of learning to love myself. 2021 is the year where I enforce this. The words we tell ourselves MATTER. They shape the way we view ourselves, and in turn shapes how we allow ourselves to be treated by others. Use kind words, not just to others but to yourself.