Tired.

 

Fighting onwards

 I'm trying, guys.

I'm fighting, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm savouring each and every breath, I'm taking stock of everything that I'm grateful for.

But sometimes we need more, we need professional support;  and this is where I have been failed. 

Failed by an oversubscribed and underfunded service, and a psychiatrist that for whatever reason saw fit to belittle me, not listen, use prejudice..and then discharge me without so much as a indication on where to access help from then onwards.

It's been a month and I'm still coming to terms with the fact I've been hung out to dry. I wanted to write about it sooner but I couldn't find the words. 

The scariest part for me is that there is no doubt in my mind that others have been treated this way. I'm not special, I didn't get singled out. If they're comfortable doing this to me, they're comfortable doing it to other vulnerable people. 

I was unfortunately headed for a real low mood cycle when I received this horrifying decision and so the last few weeks I've been scraping the barrel trying to hold myself together. Utilising my entire support system, crying myself to sleep, pretending I am unaware that the voices are getting louder and the thoughts are getting darker. 

The reality I'm left with is I honestly don't know where to turn anymore. I'm lost at sea, a mental health patient without a service to turn to. 

But I'm not going to let them win. I'm not going to let this be the hill I die on. I will continue to fight for my rights and the rights of others. I will continue with my work with Rethink mental illness, I will chase up my official complaint with my community mental health team until I receive a satisfactory response.  

I just wish everything didn't have to be so goddamn hard all the time.