World Mental Health Day 2019

I haven't posted in a while, I've not been able to put into words how I'm feeling which is a rarity for me. I don't know if I've just been overwhelmed, or too busy, or what has been going on but I've honestly missed having my little blog to release some of my thoughts into.

I thought world mental health day would be perfect because everywhere today people are talking mental health.
And I'm ready to talk about mine.

Things have all gotten on top of me, and I'd forgotten how to do basic things like ask for help.
I'd forgotten that relapses are not anything to be ashamed about, and I'd forgotten to look for support from online services or hotlines.

I went to therapy today and the theme of this week was self-kindness. 

Too long I've been angry at myself for feeling down, too long I've felt weak and useless for crying about my problems. My therapist suggested this is due to my trauma and not having comfort when it was necessary. I don't self soothe, I attack myself with forms of self harm and my pyschosis throwing negative comments my way. It's time to try and sit with my (totally valid) emotions and tell yself it's okay not to be okay. I mean, that's the message I send to everyone else right?

Is it hypocrytical of me to tell people to be kind to themselves when I am unkind to myself? I think it might be..

As always, seek help if you're feeling overwhelmed like I am, reach out to anyone who is acting differently, and finally GIVE YOURSELF SOME SELF-LOVING.


You really are deserving of kindness and love and good things.

xoxo

Troubled soul

I reached out today, because I'm starting to feel like I did before my recovery started.
I rediscovered my therapy writing book and was saddened to find I related once again to the bleakness I felt when I poured desperate words onto the tear-streaked pages.


I am going to take a friend up on an offer to go to her church group. Not because I believe, but because apparently it's a healing community and, at this point, any positivity sounds perfect.
We're also going to do two evenings a week going for a stroll and talk.


I'm also going to start writing in my therapy book again because I found that to be healing back then.
Perhaps do some art, too. I need to create a healing environment so I can feel planted again instead of buried.


I'm making heartfelt pledges of love to people for no other reason than I'm terrified to be left alone and abandoned, when honestly I'm not capable of loving anyone right now. I'm getting fatter than ever and my anxiety is at an all-time-high.
The only thing (thank goodness for medication) that is under control is my psychosis, although that took a long time to sort out.

Can a troubled soul ever be truly soothed?

Repelling magnets

Everything seems so confusing right now. Imagine two magnets of the same pole repelling eachother, but also trapped so close that they are vibrating with force; now imagine one magnet is your depression and the other is your anxiety.

Your depression wants you to die. It's whole purpose is to make you give up, to end it all.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is terrified of losing you. It's petrified of death, it's purpose is to keep you safe and alive, to fight or run from situations which threaten you. 

You're battling against living whilst battling against dying; the most complex conundrum.

How do you satisfy yourself? You can't. Nothing you do will quiet the noise. Fears of dying collude with fears of continuing on in pain and suffering. 

How do you explain to someone that you don't want to die, but you don't want to live either? 

Motivation

Something I struggle with a lot is motivation. How do you make yourself do things when you'd honestly just rather be asleep?
You don't want to get up to eat, don't want to see anyone or do anything (even the fun stuff) but lay there and be as close to death as you can get; by sleeping.
As I yawn away I wonder if there is a reason behind this. Is it my medication? Is it my depression?
All I gt from professionals is 'the more you do the easier it gets' but I don't want to do anything that's the entire point! I really just do not see the point in doing anything anymore.
I started to write this in a hope to figure out what was going on in my head, but I can't even find the energy to care about this. 
I just want to fade out of existence.

Listen

Today, I opened up to a medical professional about having urges to self-harm and suicidal thoughts and her response was 'Oh, but you look lovely today.'
Why are we STILL judging with our eyes and not listening with our ears?
I felt like asking if I'd still look lovely if I'm dead, but I didn't I just signed and resigned myself to further lack of care from those who are supposed to protect and help me.
If someone tells you they are struggling, believe them. Don't find things to counter their claims. Who cares if they put makeup on? Maybe, like me, they didn't want the entire world to know they are falling apart. Maybe they needed that mask to get through the day. Maybe it was their war paint.
If she had looked closer she would have seen my chipped nails and my unwashed hair but no, she didn't see past the well-put-together outfit I chose. 
It's so easy to fool people into seeing that you are okay. It's our jobs to speak up; and more importantly to listen.

Valentine's day

Valentine's day is approaching and those who know me know that I find it the worst day on earth. Haters will say this is because I'm alone; honestly it's deeper than that. I won't deny I feel lonely sometimes, but ultimately I'm okay with being single. 
The reason I hate Valentine's day is how fake it is, how forced and unrealistic. Personally I'd rather low key gentle reminders every now and again from someone than a lavish day 'all about our love.' And love isn't perfect or beautiful, and cupid isn't fluttering around with his little arrows; love is real and raw and damn near difficult to live with sometimes. It's pain and sacrifice and putting someone else before you. Don't buy me a card and tell me you love me, SHOW me. In the little, every day things. 
If, unlike me, you are hoping for a Valentine; be your own. I bought myself flowers today because nobody can do a better job of loving me than myself. (Except maybe my mumma.) 

Reintroductions

I haven't always made the right choices, and I've hurt people. 
I don't categorise myself as a bad person, but there are things I've done that make me ashamed; maybe that's all part of growing up and I think you'd be hard pressed to find a completely innocent human above the age of 5.
We all have lied, or worse, in our lives and made mistakes. I think the only thing you can do is ask yourself if you want to be that person. If you learn from it, as I have, then I believe you can be redeemed. 
I've been through things that I shouldn't have, I have a illness in my brain that makes me have to fight to stay alive but instead of lashing out as I have in the past, I now put my energy into raising awareness and trying to help other people. 
I might have a few dents in my soul but I'd say I'm still a good person who's heart is in the right place, and I'm proud of the person I'm becoming. I'd like to reintroduce myself to a few people because honestly I don't know if they'd recognise me anymore and that's a good thing.

Time to Talk day 2019

• It's Time to Talk day on 7th February 2019 and so I've compiled a few tips on how to make that ever-so important conversation about mental health.
  
  
  ·         Set yourself emotional boundaries to avoid sharing something you may later regret.
  
  
  ·          Ensure if you are sharing personal information or experiences that you are doing it to people you trust in a safe space.
  
  
  ·         Be as open as you can, it will encourage others to do the same.
  
  
  ·         Don't be afraid to talk generally about mental health in public spaces, it can be something as simple as, 'this weather is really affecting my mood today, how are you doing mentally?' But it could really help somebody who may not have known how to bring their struggles into the conversation.
  
  
  ·         A cup of tea, a biscuit and a smile can go a long way. A listening ear goes even further. 
  
  
  
  
  What goes into a good conversation about mental health?
  Honesty about your own situation. You don't have to have experience of mental illness to talk about mental health, because we all have it. You can have a healthy mind and still want to discuss stresses or ask someone else how they are managing. It's okay to be okay and still want to have a conversation about mental health, just as much as it's okay to not be okay. There is no discrimination here. 
  Time to really hear what someone else is telling you. If you must rush off in 2 minutes to a meeting, asking someone for an in-depth conversation about how they are feeling might not be the right time. But asking someone if they are free later for a catch up if they need to talk further may make them have something to look forward to, and the knowledge that someone cares enough to make time for them.
  A safe space. Someone may be less likely to open-up fully to you on a packed tube station, but they may feel comfortable over a cup of tea at home or a quiet café.
  Encouragement is key reinforcement that you really do care. A lot of people with mental illnesses feel a burden to others and so good body language and encouraging, kind, words can really help them to relax and feel comfortable to talk.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The impact of talking about mental health
  Firstly, the impact on you. Remember the boundaries; speaking about things you don't feel ready to can be damaging. Speak to family members and friends where you can to see how they might feel, as your conversation could affect them, and try to act appropriately. It's completely okay to be vague about details you're not comfortable sharing, and it's just as important to tell someone you're not comfortable answering certain questions. It's your story and you are in control. However, the impact it can have on third parties can be overwhelmingly positive. I've personally had people go from telling me I can't possibly have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because I haven't served in the forces, to having them walk away with an understanding that any trauma can cause PTSD. I've explained to people that Personality Disorders do not make you manipulative or violent, but vulnerable and in need of support. My BPD has provoked people to say: 'don't we all struggle with emotions though?' and enabled me to explain that it's actually a whole lot more than that; we didn't develop our emotions properly as children due to whatever reasons and thus we find it difficult to process what is happening to us.  My speaking to these people and challenging their beliefs and misconceptions of mental health allows me to educate others. Our conversations are reaching people and making a difference, and the more we challenge stigma the better we can make the lives of those with lived experiences of mental illness.
  
  

Proud

It happened, the day I feel I've been waiting for my whole life; my mum said she was proud of me.
She might say she always has been, and that might be true, but it was the first time she's said it to me.

Now people on here might be all 'you shouldn't need other's approval' and I agree, but it doesn't mean I haven't wanted to hear it just once after everything I've been through. I self validate, but acknowledgement sometimes really helps.

It came after me gaining yet another (voluntary) job in the mental health sector. I am now on two advisory panels for mental health charities and also on the tailgate of the podcast I did in December which she got around to listening to on her Christmas holidays.

I'm incredibly proud of myself, and that's enough, but having my mum say that made it all seem so much better because I look up to her so much as a successful woman.

My family are incredibly supportive, and lots of them have said they are proud too which honestly means the world.  But this felt like a true win. I really feel like I am on the right path for the first time in what feels like forever. 

Writing a novel

You ever tried writing a story? It's usually quite easy to start, and as you get towards the end they sort of flicker out of existence because the excitement has gone.

This time around I know exactly how to end my story, but the middle is proving most troublesome. I've laid out most of the skeleton, but fleshing out the body is harder than I ever imagined. That's because I've gone from never finishing a story to attempting to write an entire book. A murder mystery at that!

Today I'm wondering if I will ever make anything simple for myself. Perhaps I should have started off with a short story and worked my way up; but here I am, 27 pages in and thinking 'oh my god what was I thinking.'

It's not to say I'm not enjoying it, because I am. The world I've created is sucking me in, I can feel myself immersed in the past and can almost smell the crisp air as I type it, but I now know why it's so difficult to become a successful author. It's bloody hard work!

There's so many characters to remember as well as plots and sub plots, and who hates who, and who is where at which times. I hope it all makes sense to someone in the end because sometimes I feel I've gone quite mad.