Recovery

What is recovery?

Can you ever 'recover' from some things? Will I be in recovery forever? If not, then what exactly is the line between illness, recovery, and being in remission?

I'm not at crisis point but I fluctuate between coping and near-crisis, each time I learn from it but it's been explained to me over and over again that there's no cure; only management. So if there is no cure, if I have this for life, how can I be in recovery? If you cannot be cured can you be said to have recovered?

I'm questioning if there should be a different word for this journey I'm undertaking. But I'll admit I am struggling with which word to use.

Repossession? In the sense of me regaining control of my life after my illness takes the wheel and drives me off the road. Is this not just me taking back my mind and not recovery?

Rehabilitation? Having to re-learn who I am and understand what has brought me to this point in life, having to walk away from the path I wanted to be on and find a new future for myself, having to start from scratch; is this not rehabilitation and not recovery?

I'm not sure you can recover from some traumas. Move on, yes, definitely in time. I just think some things change you forever and while you can still live life, if you are permanently altered by something you experienced- especially whilst you are still developing; then you can't recover because that person you were beforehand has been lost forever. Of course this is just my opinion and not necessarily one others will agree with, and I can only speak of my own experiences and feelings in regards to this.

I just feel the word recovery has a lot of pressure to it. Like at some point I should be recovered already and that each time I slip backwards I am letting someone down, even if it's just myself in my own head. It feels like I'm climbing this recovery mountain except as I reach half-way I realise that there is no peak and therefore I can never reach it; but going back down isn't an option either because that's to give up on life. So I'm not only going over life's hill but also lost in the unrelenting, never-ending and sometimes disorientating ranges of the unobtainable recovered status.


Too cynical for a Monday evening perhaps, maybe I should have kept it lighter as most people are generally tired of Mondays and it's soul sucking ways, but I promised myself I'd keep this blog honest and it's what I've been pondering the past few days and I'm finally feeling well enough to develop those thoughts into words. I am, ironically, almost recovered from the flu. I have some clarity to my mind again after a while drowning in pain and fog. It's good to be me again.. even if being me is something that I don't always like.