Dear brain, and subsequent disorders;
I am writing to apologise for blaming you for everything that went wrong in my life. I'm also writing to thank you for, in your messed up and totally unhealthy and unconventional way, trying to protect me from harm.
It may seem strange me saying this, when at times having these mental illnesses have actually made me feel like self-harm or suicide were the only options, but I understand better now. It was always deeper than that. I've been through traumatic things which you've both tried to protect me from and also tried to make me face; because denial simply wasn't working.
For the years I struggled to feel or comprehend emotions, I now understand was because I wasn't ready to unleash such pain at such a young age. You were helping me survive the best way you could. You'd never learned how to do this in a healthy way because I was so young when I needed protecting, and that's okay.
For the time when you relinquished that barrier, because I was finally away from danger and you decided to open the floodgates in the form of psychosis; I forgive you. It was way too much to hold in forever, and as much as I wish I didn't have to; I did have to come to terms with it. The timing definitely sucked, and I do wish I'd managed to finish uni first, but I'm now starting to heal and that's more important than a degree.
I'm sorry I didn't think of my mental health as I forced myself to drink and stay out all night and refuse to accept the consequences of those actions. I'm sorry I put myself in vulnerable situations because I stopped caring about myself for a while and ultimately gave up believing I was worth anything.
I'm sorry I didn't reach out for help sooner, I'm sorry I left you to drown in all the things I just wasn't prepared to feel or acknowledge.
Thank you for fighting for us even as I simultaneously asked for and rejected help, and for reminding me what I had to fight for as I wanted to dwell in my depression and give up. For forcing me to reach out even when I was in utter despair and terrified, and allowing me to be here typing this today.
I can't promise to never neglect you as I think we are all guilty of that sometimes; but I can promise to make a conscious effort to check in with you every now and again and listen carefully to the signs of struggle you present me with, instead of shutting you out again.
I do request that going forward you allow me to make my own choices with regards to how I cope, instead of jamming the 'factory override' button on and prompting me to engage in unhealthy techniques that I've worked extremely hard to overcome; such as, but not limited to, self-reliance and self-harm. It's not a weakness to ask for help so please don't fight me every time I try to tell people that I'm not feeling too good. It's also okay to take medication, it does not mean I've failed, and it feels really good to not be so depressed all the time, so please help me remember to take them and to make regular appointments with my doctor so I don't run out. I feel okay because I take them, not because I don't need them. We know this because whenever I don't take them, I spiral out of control and it's not fun picking up the pieces.
We're not done with this fight, we've got many more wars to face together, and perhaps we will be fighting for our entire lives; but you've been the only constant in this. Only you truly know just how dark and painful things have been, how close we've been to giving up, and how much each day costs us. We've been to very depths of our own hell together and we've come out the other side. So we picked up PTSD and a few scars both visible and emotional along the way. So we're perhaps not the same as we were intended to be when our life began. What's the use of playing what ifs?
Here's to the next 50+ years or so of being a formidable, resilient, awesome team. Here's to us and all we've achieved against the odds.
Love always,
Zoe
xxx
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