Perhaps there's been a little irritating blinking light in the back of your mind for a while, but you've ignored it because you don't quite understand it's importance or you are in denial about what that means for you so you carry on pretending you don't see it; maybe you even convince yourself it isn't there.
Life carries on, things escalate in one way or another; generally for the worse and you can't put your finger on the reason why. Is it the people involved's fault, was it a cruel twist of fate, did you do this?
It torments you, even as you move on and rebuild. Then one day it's like an eruption of light.
You realise you've been trying to force something that was never meant to be. A job, a relationship, a friendship; whatever it was, it was either never meant to happen or it wasn't meant to last. You realise that it isn't anybody's fault. You are good enough, you are worthy, you're just trying to stick a round peg in a square hole and the more you try to force it the more fractured the peg becomes, or the hole widens; either way it's making it harder when you finally find the right pieces.
It feels like you betrayed yourself by ignoring that niggling little warning sign, but it's not a inherently bad thing to have hope or to believe in something good. The worst you can accuse yourself of is naivety. You can brush yourself off and give yourself some credit for trying.
Then you can grieve the loss of whatever you desperately wanted, max out on self-care, and in time move forward.
I'm not sure I'm ready to move on just yet; but I've loosened my grip and I'm letting go starting now.
Things are going to be confusing and maybe lonely for a while, but I'm figuring it out one step at a time.
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