It's so incredibly difficult to deal with external problems; abuse, serious financial issues, dissolving of a family unit...etc. But there are moments you can escape such things. Distractions and such. You can't, however, at any moment escape your mind.
Add in the fact that my brain has a complimentary built-in additional (and apparently non returnable) voice mode that persistently reminds me of my failures and even when I am in a good place attempts to undermine my happiness at every turn. I've also got racing thoughts, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder which set me off into panic attacks or flashbacks which are incredibly traumatic and difficult to manage.
This, more so at the beginning, contributes to my depression which at times is crippling, and leaves me suicidal. I've been so low and so consumed by the darkness that I don't even recognise my thoughts and feelings (written down during that period) as my own. It doesn't seem possible how unwell and how hopeless i was.
Yet here I am, still a childhood abuse survivor, and most importantly a daily mental health warrior. I'm constantly fighting my mind, and every second, hour, day, month that I survive I'm stronger for it.
I am like Japanese pottery; when cracked they are mended with gold to not only make it stronger but because they feel it adds a unique beauty to the ornament. My scars, internal and external, are proof I've lived; most importantly they are proof I am capable of healing.
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