Those of us who are just so weak from being strong, so sick of being unwell, so tired of being exhausted.
There's no perfect life but we're not asking for that. We just want a break from our minds.
I honestly don't recall what silence is. I've not had a moment of peace and quiet since 2015.
People with children will be thinking 'now you know how we feel' but children sleep, they go out to play, they go to nursery and school; there are moments, however small, where you don't have to hear them. You can even perhaps get a babysitter to have a night away from them.
I can't put my voices down for a nap, I can't say 'sorry, anxiety, go bother someone else for ten minutes,' nor can I pack my racing thoughts into a overnight bag and ship it to a grandparent's for the evening. For the record I'm not saying parenting isn't hard, I'm just saying there are moments of peace and enjoyment that go along with it. Even if it's more hell than peace.
I can be at my most relaxed: melodic music, soaking away in a bubble bath with my sensory underwater bath lights on, face mask applied; and yet I've still got someone whispering (at best) to do horrible things to myself, or that I'm not worthy, or anything else that could ruin my vibe.
I resist the urge to harm myself because it's awful to think I could do that to my own body, I force myself out of bed because I am afraid one day I'll never get out of it, and I get out and place myself in social situations because as much as it makes me uncomfortable; I am terrified of being alone.
Everything is a forced action, I rarely make a sporadic choice unless I'm in my manic state and then I tend to make horrible choices like buy the entirety of aisle 4 and go online shopping with the money I don't really have. 'Treated myself to a new bag, new trainers.. oops got paid today and now I have to wait 2 weeks because I spent it all but yay, paid my bills so that's an improvement.. right?'
^ this didn't actually happen,but you get the gist.
Change is my enemy, but so is being in a rut like I feel I am currently. If you could successfully navigate the minefield of adulthood by throwing a dice each time instead of making real, responsible and sensible decisions, I'd still be screwed because I'd be like but what if 5 is wrong!?
I'm a doubter. I'm like the kid from the Polar Express who doesn't hear the bells ring because he doesn't believe. Except it's not Santa I don't believe in, it's myself. I want to, I try to; but faith isn't something that comes naturally to me. Hope isn't a word that sits well with me; to me having hope is a dangerous thing because it gives you the opportunity to be let down.
I no longer hope that I'll get better, I just applaud myself for making it through another day, and I take the good days as a bonus. There's magic in the little things, when you stop searching for major miracles you start to appreciate the every day ones. So I'm never going to be a lawyer or a doctor, or invent something that will change the world as we know it. I'm never going to win a Nobel prize or a Oscar. But I deserve at least a gold star for smiling today. And I shall remind myself that emotions are never permanent. They might stay for a long while, but eventually they have no choice but to move out.
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