Firsts

People talk a lot about 'firsts' in life.

First kiss.

First date.

First love.

First time

First heartbreak.. etc


And I love hearing about them. Honestly. I like hearing cute stories about how nervous they were, or how awkward it was. 

Unfortunately it also makes me feel sad, because some of those were taken from me. Sure, I've fallen in love, got my heart broken, and I've been on good and awful dates. But there are some things that a girl holds sacred. 
When I was in school I had to create a fake ex boyfriend because I couldn't tell my girl pals the truth when we all talked about it and I had to work out how to explain to my first proper boyfriend how he wasn't my first, even though I wanted him to be.
I've come to terms with these facts, and I'm not ashamed of what I've been through.
Part of me will always resent that I lost a rite of passage but the other part of me knows it's made every other first that extra bit special.
I get to have the first time I realised it wasn't my fault. The first day I smiled again. The first day I trusted men again. The first day I looked in a mirror and didn't completely hate the girl looking back at me. The first time I realised I was worthy of love.

And even better; I have a lot of firsts still left for me. 

So to all you out there who had a first taken from you, you're not alone. If talking about your first time is more upsetting than awkward or more sinister than regret; here's to you. I hope you all find someone who takes your breath away and makes you feel new again. Mostly, I hope you heal and love yourselves. I'm certainly learning to.