WHAT DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH & HOW CAN YOU GET MORE SUPPORT THERE?

Trusting people can handle what I need to tell them, trusting they want to know, and trusting  that they won't leave me or think I'm a burden if I do open up fully. For me, some of the more difficult aspects of my illness is visual and auditory hallucinations and flashbacks.

 I hear voices 24/7 and whilst I manage them most days, sometimes they say the most horrifying things and I feel like I can't relay those messages to others for fear of judgement; that someone will misunderstand and think that these are my thoughts and urges.

Flashbacks are where you are transported back to a moment of trauma and not only are you forced to watch it happening all over again, you also feel the emotions you did in that moment. It's not like a dream where you're having a bird's eye view; you're reliving it all over again. How do you find the courage to explain to someone the horrors that you've endured without also traumatising them? 

I'm far better at speaking up when I am struggling, I can admit when my depression is consuming me or when I need to leave a situation due to my anxiety, and to my close friends and family I can be honest about when things are 'too loud in my head;' in other words when the voices are no longer manageable and I need support.

I've been open with trusted members of my family and a handful of friends about the trauma I experienced in my childhood, it may have taken many years of silence but I finally spoke out about the pain and suffering I endured. I have come to terms with the fact it was not my fault. I've had therapy and I've reconnected to my inner child. I've apologised for shutting her off and not listening to her cries for love and for healing. It almost broke me; but I finally fully connected my emotions to the events rather than detaching myself from the pain in a desperate attempt to deny it and move on.

The one thing I've still not managed to do is talk through what actually happened. I've not been able to, apart from in flashbacks. revisit that situation and fully understand it. I've not been able to sit down and talk about the conversations, the fear, the secrecy and everything in between. Why? Because I want to protect people. I don't wish for someone to have to hear me speak of it. I don't want to take anyone into the moment with me. I also know I wish to protect myself. I know it has to get worse before it gets better, that there are still things locked in my mind that I need to understand; but I also know that I have avoided it for all of my adult life for a reason. 

I've been placed on a waiting list for trauma focused psychotherapy. It's time to be brave; and maybe when I am, maybe when I trust myself not to completely collapse, I will be able to trust others not to do the same.