I have a fear of letting people see me, the whole me, the dented and imperfect parts I try to deny. I think I date guys who aren't emotionally available because although it's painful, it saves me from the pain of really getting serious with anyone. I am defensive and this causes people to not want to make the effort with me; even though deep down I really want them to see through it and realise I just am scared and hurting.
I want to be as confident as most people think I am. I want to be cool and collected and not care what people think; but I do, more than most. I'm afraid people won't like the real me, and maybe because I don't know who that person is myself. I've spent half my life trying to fit in to try to combat my fear of being alone, (growing up there's safety in a group) and the other half determined not to fit in because I didn't want anyone to notice me.
I guess I can start by giving people a little more credit. Maybe people will judge me, or better yet maybe they will help me learn who I am. Maybe they can help me find myself and thus help me find a way forward in life. Maybe not everyone I meet has hidden agendas and wants to hurt me or use me in some way. Maybe someone can accept me for the half-shell that I currently am and walk by my side as I venture into the unknown. If not; at least I can look back one day and know I tried and that I had no reason to wonder 'what if.'
No comments:
Post a Comment