I try, and often fail, to set myself some kind of routine each day. I have the best intentions; but the day often gets away from me. I guess you could call me a procrastinator, but mostly in the sense of 'I'll do that in a moment' and then blinking and it's been a few hours. I'd love to know where I go for all this time, because I am almost always shocked when I see the clock.
I've set alarms, I've planned a daily schedule, but unfortunately things never seem to go to plan. It's unnerving for me, it's like being my own worst enemy. I hate last minute plans or having to rush because I had 6 hours to get ready and now I only have 2 and I haven't even washed my hair. My anxiety suddenly heightens, my motivation drops and I am suddenly trapped between having to be quick and actually being the slowest ever because everything is suddenly 50 times harder to accomplish.
I know I'm making myself ill. I know it's unhealthy and that I just need to stick to it but what's worse than not having a plan? Having plans and having them cancelled last minute.
Sometimes I feel like even though I'm free-falling daily, it's still safer than trusting someone to follow through with things. The disappointment, the loss of sense of purpose, the abandonment issues it brings up really make coping with cancellations almost impossible to handle. I'll tell everyone 'it's fine, I'm okay, it's not your fault,' but inside it's like being knifed over and over again. I' too afraid to rock the boat and say 'actually, you've fucked up my whole day and even if it isn't, I can't help but take it personally.'
How to overcome these issues though? I either excessively plan and likely spend the day reeling from the let down, or my mental health is too bad and I have to cancel; or I make absolutely no plans and find myself feeling lost and alone all day. How do you plan for the extraneous variables, the things outside of your control?
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