Looking towards 2019

It's time for all the 'new year new me' rubbish.
Time for people to start making new years resolutions: ! lose weight ! quit smoking ! join a gym !
And then of course they break them instantly because let's face it, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.


The truth is that there is no magic that happens at midnight on the 31st. You won't be debt-free, skinny, or suddenly happy just because the year changed. The fact is that if you truly wanted to change, you'd be doing it already. If you are looking for a cure for happiness; be that cure. Happiness comes from within, after all. Work on your flaws and reward your strengths. Your life is not going to change just because it's a new year or because you just hope it does. It does require opportunity, but also leaving your comfort zone and taking a risk.


So as we go into 2019, take a hard look at the positive moments of 2018. Maybe it's not been a banner year, but look at the small stuff that got you through it: friends, family, petting animals, a message from a stranger, a trip out. Remember life's made up of little things, and make 2019 a time to celebrate the small victories. Set smaller goals, remind yourself what you're fighting for and, whilst staying accountable, be kind to yourself when you inevitably mess up; we're only human after all.

Post-Christmas thoughts

Hey 😃
Hope everyone had a great Christmas and/or practised self-care and kept safe.

As I previously said, I love Christmas; but this year it brought up a lot of anguish for me that I thought I had overcome years ago.

Christmas is a time for family, and sometimes family is more complicated than sitting around the table smiling and passing the roast potatoes. 
Sometimes there are people missing for whatever reason, sometimes families don't get along, and sometimes gatherings can bring back memories of things that you've either forgotten or repressed which leads to anxiety or flashbacks.

For me it was a mixture of missing people, conflict, and flashbacks.
I had a conflicting childhood of extreme pain and suffering but also very happy and privileged times, and all my memories are a haze. This means I'm still unlocking parts of my past; it also means I can't fully trust what I do remember. When you get flashes of a past you don't recognise it can be extremely traumatic, because it's like watching a mashup of a bunch of films you haven't seen with the same actors and trying to decipher which scene came from which movie.

I'm not saying I had a bad time this Christmas, because I didn't, but I did have to take myself away and remind myself that my health comes first. I had a relaxing soak in the bath and watched a lighthearted movie and went to bed. It might not have been the Christmas I envisioned; but it was the Christmas I could manage and that's what matters most.

Ok so I lied..

Wanted to share this super cute card I got from my boss at Time to Change. Sometimes campaigning can seem like a thankless and lonely task but when you get messages like these it makes it all worth it! 

Staying safe over the holidays

I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
But last year I understood why others might not. I nearly lost a family member and instead of being festive and care-free, I was anxious, panicked and devastated.
Thankfully everything worked out, but I'll never question why Christmas beings dread to anyone ever again. 

Last night I went out with some friends, but I was in bed before midnight because my mental health wasn't allowing me to enjoy myself. Instead of forcing myself out of it, I listened and I left.
Christmas is the same. If you know it triggers you, don't force it. If you absolutely have to face Christmas, be kind to yourself. Don't go all out, listen to yourself and do the bare minimum so you're not overly stressing your mind and body. 

It's just one day, stay safe, if you're alone make it a self care day. It's okay to be grieving or just not in the Christmas spirit.

It's an expensive time, a time for family (and sometimes we have none or don't have the best ones) and a time to reflect on the past year (which isn't always a nice thing either.)

I won't be posting over Christmas as I'll be too busy but I'll be thinking of you all and sending you warm wishes and a hopefully merry Christmas. 💜

Love hurts

It hurts. Love, I mean. 
Love isn't always this beautiful thing that causes happiness; it is capable of great loss and sadness too. 
There are many types of love, all real and powerful and sometimes I think I mix them up and feel all of them at once; that's what makes love so painful for me because any time someone allows me to fall for them in friendship or more, they're allowing me to love them completely. Entirely. 
So if (when) it falls apart, it's like grief. It's like I'm missing a part of my soul, like someone detached a limb from my body. 

I love so deeply and intensely that it hurts because nobody could ever reciprocate it. I don't want to love. But I do, it's probably my strongest asset and my weakest link. 

I can't differentiate between what falling in like and falling in love feels like so unless I trust a person completely I will distance myself. And if I'm ever brave enough to take it to the next step know that you're special because rejection is my biggest fear. Abandonment is where rejection leads to, and I will do anything to avoid it. Even if that means holding on to someone when I know I should let go.

Late night catch-up

It's only Tuesday and yet so much has happened this week!

Had a comfy new bed delivered which meant dismantling my old one, (think saws and hammers..very therapeutic), taken care of my mental health with shopping for new self-care items like my new 'Lush' face-masks, wrapped my Christmas presents, went to a celebration and graduation afternoon for the recovery and wellbeing college courses I attended, and then...

I DID MY FIRST EVER PODCAST INTERVIEW! 
Mike's Open Journal was wonderful to be a part of, he's so easy to talk to and it's always fantastic to have a conversation about mental health! I love sharing my story and I cannot wait for the episode to be broadcast.. I'll be sharing the link here!

Keep safe guys, I'll talk more about the podcast when it is aired, and I've got lots of other exciting things going on this week. Sorry this post is so short, but I'm supposed to be writing a ten minute speech so this is just a quick catch-up and to say I've not forgotten you all my lovelies! 😄

As this is my 100th blog post I'll try and make the next one extra special 💜

Toxicity

Toxic people aren't always obviously toxic. They can be exactly what you need in the moment, they can make you smile, laugh, fall in love. They can make you feel overjoyed as you're carried away in the whirlwind, and it's only when you've landed a long way from shore that you realise how toxic it has been.

A toxic person is never outwardly toxic or nobody would ever fall under their spell. It's manipulation and mind games and misplaced guilt. It's you blaming yourself for not being good enough when actually you're perfectly imperfect and they just don't appreciate you. And you're not going to be appreciated, no matter how hard you try, because they don't really want to. You're the mouse the cat intensely plays with until it gets bored of the game and swallows you up.

It's fun, it's exhausting, it's passion and burning desire; but it's also reckless, and dangerous, and involves you being badly singed by the flames.

If it feels too good to be true, it almost always is. Stop drowning for people who wouldn't even get in the water for you.

Kindness calendar

Do I only blog when I'm feeling good? No, probably equal amounts. Some bad things have been happening lately yes, but also some positive things; honestly I just haven't had any inspiration to want to write.

My Nan gave me this Kindness Calendar for a 'do good, feel good December' the other day, albeit a little late to start, I thought I'd pick a few that seem good for my blog and don't force beliefs on me; such as  the one which tells me to eat less meat. I'm not a vegan and I don't plan on becoming one even if it is an awful thing not to do- sorry, not sorry.💁

Anyway the one I picked  for today was 'Notice when you're hard on yourself or others, and be kind instead.'

I have friends with autism and sometimes I get frustrated because their thinking sequence doesn't work the same as mine. I'm not always mindful that my reactions can cause them pain, even when I genuinely mean well. This is something I am always trying to be better at; to be just as understanding and sensitive to their needs as I expect people to be to mine. 

Going on from this, I also have to remind myself that my reactions are justified sometimes, and that I am not a bad person for it. Did it come across how they wanted it to? Perhaps not. Am I still upset about it? Yes. It's about not compromising yourself, but also not forcing another person to compromise themselves to make you feel better, but working a way round the situation so you can both learn and understand where the other is coming from. 

I have to be mindful of myself, too, and remember I am only human and I will make mistakes and that's okay. 

Being a Young Champion

When I first started as a Young Champion for Time to Change I was terrified. What could I really do to make a difference? Who would listen, who would care? And when I walked through those doors and saw 80 other Young Champions my anxiety went through the roof, but something extraordinary happened too; I felt like I had stepped into the right side of history. I had many mental health blips on my journey, I missed sessions and didn't do half the things I had wanted to achieve; but I was a part of something special and surrounded with so much inspiration and such wonderful people that I was just proud to have done the little things. I had many conversations, the most important one being with my dad, which changed both mine and other's perspectives of mental health and how it affects not just me but everyone around me. 

The other day I read my first testimony and realised people really do want to hear stories like mine. More importantly; they want to stop there being any more stories like mine.

Training always felt like a privilege. Not the travel or the hotel, but the fact I was being allowed to be a part of this amazing movement. I learned so much about myself, about mental health and the stigmas I'd previously accepted as fact, and how to reach out and affect change. I got to meet Glenn Close and other fantastic people working towards making the world a more welcoming and safer place to live. I've been inspired in ways I didn't feel possible; even when I turned up thinking I'd done absolutely nothing I left feeling proud of myself and knowing my worth, and realising just talking, tweeting, blogging is enough. We don't all have to be on BBC News to be champions.

It's made me the (slightly more) confident, compassionate woman I feel today. I feel like I'm one of the nameless faces that in years to come will have worked tirelessly for social movement, a modern day suffragette if you will; though thankfully I haven't had to die for my cause. But many do die, suicide claims a life every two hours in England and Wales and it's got to stop.

Being kinder to one another is the first step. Ask twice and be there for those around you. It really is just the little things that can help 💜

Good times

I'm back; what a crazy few days it's been!

I delivered my first ever mental health testimony for Time to Change in front of a bunch of teachers, (very scary) and they loved it so much they personally requested me to deliver it to their schools!
Reading my story out loud was so empowering. I felt so passionate about what I was saying and felt in control of the situation 

Then I went to be on the children and young people advisory panel for them in the Rethink Mental Illness offices the following day; and it was a day spent banding around amazing ideas, completing the new young champion handbook, laying out the new young leader training PowerPoint, and revisiting parts of the website we felt could be improved upon.

It was so nice to feel so appreciated and although it took a lot out of me mentally, I really enjoyed the experience and it was all so positive. I want to do it again and again!

I have a few bits of homework to do today but, as I can hear the rain pouring down outside, I'm not too upset to sit indoors all day on my laptop in the warm.

Hope you all have a safe and positive weekend!