Reintroductions

I haven't always made the right choices, and I've hurt people. 
I don't categorise myself as a bad person, but there are things I've done that make me ashamed; maybe that's all part of growing up and I think you'd be hard pressed to find a completely innocent human above the age of 5.
We all have lied, or worse, in our lives and made mistakes. I think the only thing you can do is ask yourself if you want to be that person. If you learn from it, as I have, then I believe you can be redeemed. 
I've been through things that I shouldn't have, I have a illness in my brain that makes me have to fight to stay alive but instead of lashing out as I have in the past, I now put my energy into raising awareness and trying to help other people. 
I might have a few dents in my soul but I'd say I'm still a good person who's heart is in the right place, and I'm proud of the person I'm becoming. I'd like to reintroduce myself to a few people because honestly I don't know if they'd recognise me anymore and that's a good thing.

Time to Talk day 2019

• It's Time to Talk day on 7th February 2019 and so I've compiled a few tips on how to make that ever-so important conversation about mental health.
  
  
  ·         Set yourself emotional boundaries to avoid sharing something you may later regret.
  
  
  ·          Ensure if you are sharing personal information or experiences that you are doing it to people you trust in a safe space.
  
  
  ·         Be as open as you can, it will encourage others to do the same.
  
  
  ·         Don't be afraid to talk generally about mental health in public spaces, it can be something as simple as, 'this weather is really affecting my mood today, how are you doing mentally?' But it could really help somebody who may not have known how to bring their struggles into the conversation.
  
  
  ·         A cup of tea, a biscuit and a smile can go a long way. A listening ear goes even further. 
  
  
  
  
  What goes into a good conversation about mental health?
  Honesty about your own situation. You don't have to have experience of mental illness to talk about mental health, because we all have it. You can have a healthy mind and still want to discuss stresses or ask someone else how they are managing. It's okay to be okay and still want to have a conversation about mental health, just as much as it's okay to not be okay. There is no discrimination here. 
  Time to really hear what someone else is telling you. If you must rush off in 2 minutes to a meeting, asking someone for an in-depth conversation about how they are feeling might not be the right time. But asking someone if they are free later for a catch up if they need to talk further may make them have something to look forward to, and the knowledge that someone cares enough to make time for them.
  A safe space. Someone may be less likely to open-up fully to you on a packed tube station, but they may feel comfortable over a cup of tea at home or a quiet café.
  Encouragement is key reinforcement that you really do care. A lot of people with mental illnesses feel a burden to others and so good body language and encouraging, kind, words can really help them to relax and feel comfortable to talk.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The impact of talking about mental health
  Firstly, the impact on you. Remember the boundaries; speaking about things you don't feel ready to can be damaging. Speak to family members and friends where you can to see how they might feel, as your conversation could affect them, and try to act appropriately. It's completely okay to be vague about details you're not comfortable sharing, and it's just as important to tell someone you're not comfortable answering certain questions. It's your story and you are in control. However, the impact it can have on third parties can be overwhelmingly positive. I've personally had people go from telling me I can't possibly have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because I haven't served in the forces, to having them walk away with an understanding that any trauma can cause PTSD. I've explained to people that Personality Disorders do not make you manipulative or violent, but vulnerable and in need of support. My BPD has provoked people to say: 'don't we all struggle with emotions though?' and enabled me to explain that it's actually a whole lot more than that; we didn't develop our emotions properly as children due to whatever reasons and thus we find it difficult to process what is happening to us.  My speaking to these people and challenging their beliefs and misconceptions of mental health allows me to educate others. Our conversations are reaching people and making a difference, and the more we challenge stigma the better we can make the lives of those with lived experiences of mental illness.
  
  

Proud

It happened, the day I feel I've been waiting for my whole life; my mum said she was proud of me.
She might say she always has been, and that might be true, but it was the first time she's said it to me.

Now people on here might be all 'you shouldn't need other's approval' and I agree, but it doesn't mean I haven't wanted to hear it just once after everything I've been through. I self validate, but acknowledgement sometimes really helps.

It came after me gaining yet another (voluntary) job in the mental health sector. I am now on two advisory panels for mental health charities and also on the tailgate of the podcast I did in December which she got around to listening to on her Christmas holidays.

I'm incredibly proud of myself, and that's enough, but having my mum say that made it all seem so much better because I look up to her so much as a successful woman.

My family are incredibly supportive, and lots of them have said they are proud too which honestly means the world.  But this felt like a true win. I really feel like I am on the right path for the first time in what feels like forever. 

Writing a novel

You ever tried writing a story? It's usually quite easy to start, and as you get towards the end they sort of flicker out of existence because the excitement has gone.

This time around I know exactly how to end my story, but the middle is proving most troublesome. I've laid out most of the skeleton, but fleshing out the body is harder than I ever imagined. That's because I've gone from never finishing a story to attempting to write an entire book. A murder mystery at that!

Today I'm wondering if I will ever make anything simple for myself. Perhaps I should have started off with a short story and worked my way up; but here I am, 27 pages in and thinking 'oh my god what was I thinking.'

It's not to say I'm not enjoying it, because I am. The world I've created is sucking me in, I can feel myself immersed in the past and can almost smell the crisp air as I type it, but I now know why it's so difficult to become a successful author. It's bloody hard work!

There's so many characters to remember as well as plots and sub plots, and who hates who, and who is where at which times. I hope it all makes sense to someone in the end because sometimes I feel I've gone quite mad.

Feed yourself

I don't mean literally; although eating well is a good place to start.


Your body needs feeding in many ways: food, encouragement, kindness, love, energy.
It's easy for people with mental illness to feed others; we know how it feels to run on empty and therefore we try to ensure others don't do the same, but you can't pour from an empty cup and sometimes we have to fill our own minds and bodies before we can turn to others.


This is what I've been doing lately, I've been giving myself the kindness of a break from campaigning and from being there for other people. Do I feel guilty about this? Hell yes, but I know that I need to be kind to myself and allow my mind and body to feed on sleep and warmth and, most importantly, self-love.


I'm a blessed person; I have family and friends who allow me to step back and also who keep an eye out for when I'm sinking. I feel as though I'm on the cusp and that's why I've made myself get out of bed the last two days; I don't want to feed my depression instead of myself. But I've stuck to the bare minimum and whilst I can't say I feel better at all, I can say that with all my heart I have kept myself safe and been reaching out where necessary which I am extremely proud of. Each relapse I manage better, and it's showing.


I'm taking my medication but it can only do so much, it does get to me a bit when people automatically go "have you stopped taking your meds?" No, just sometimes I need more than that, sometimes I get triggered and the medication isn't a cure. It's a tool to help me manage on the most part, and it does. Waiting for therapy is like waiting for my life to begin, I'm ready to take that next step but all this waiting is leaving me feeling lost and abandoned. It's like I'm in a rut and the only way out is to complete the next level but the game has frozen.


I've decided though, that 2019 is the year of forgiveness. I'm not going into this year holding any ill will of those from my past. If you hurt me, I forgive you. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. If we fell out, I wish you well. If we lost touch, feel free to reconnect or not; up to you. If you owe me money, forget about it. If we're in a disagreement, I still love you. Life's too short to waste on hate.


I'm going to make myself a hot chocolate now and have a lie-down. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day 🙏

Not okay

Blogging lately has been me trying to think of something to write about, and so my last post was me trying to just not think and go back to basics.

The problem is, things have been getting bad again and I don't like it. I don't like how easily things can crumble when you turn your back on them for a moment. The thing with mental illness is you can't ever take a break. Its like being responsible for twenty toddlers with no help; it's chaos. If you have a drop in concentration it can lead to disaster and it's absolutely exhausting always trying to prevent stepping on the unknown landmines.

Voices even wake me from sleep sometimes so I don't even get much refuge from my illness then. I also have to take sedatives to even fall to sleep; if they decide to work at all. Then suddenly I'm asleep for what seems like days, I guess it all gets too much and my brain shuts down.

I'm just laying here listening to sad soothing songs about how, basically, life sucks but you got to carry on regardless. 

I don't know why things have got so bad; maybe because I've neglected to keep on top of things whilst I've been campaigning to make the world a better place, or maybe because of the time of year.

I don't even bother asking for help anymore from my community mental health team because they just keep reminding me to do self-care and distraction techniques as if I'm stupid and have never thought of that. Then they remind me I'm on the waiting list for therapy. Yes, I am aware but I need help now not in some far-off future. I know how to keep myself safe, I want to know how to keep myself sane. 

Sick of feeling sick. I just want to be able to say 'I got my troubles' but be able to manage them as well as everyone else does.

I just wish there was a magic pill or a therapy that would suddenly give me all the answers; but there isn't. I'm always going to wonder 'why me' I'm always going to wonder what caused my trauma to happen and I'm always going to wonder if the person responsible is truly sorry.

I'm always going to be the little broken girl; and I'm just honestly not okay with that.

Superpowers

What superpowers do I already have?

Resilience, love and empathy

What kind of superhero would I be?

I think I would be a mental health stigma-busting hero!

What superpowers would I like to have?

Telekinesis (the ability to control objects with your mind) and telepathy (reading/controlling minds) this means I would be able to fly using my mind which would be really cool

 

What kind of superhero do I want to be?

I think I would like to be the type to use my powers to help people by understanding their needs through my telepathy. I'd like to be a bit like spiderman and look out for the little guy rather than be iron man and look for glory all the time. I don't want to take off my disguise. I don't need recognition to be happy.

What colours would my suit be?

I would have a black sort of cat suit with purple logo and cape and perhaps some glitter because why the hell not? 

2019 goals

I don't believe in resolutions but I do believe in goal-setting.
My targets are small and manageable, and most importantly they are not being scored. They are goals, not obligations, and thus if I get to 2020 with them uncompleted; it's okay.

1. Read more

2. Socialise face to face with more people who are good for my soul

3. Find a volunteer/part-time job doing something I am passionate about

4. Write more of my book

5. Find a hobby that isn't Netflix

6. Be kinder to myself

7. Keep on giving up on me giving up

8. Be the friend I would like to have

9. Campaign more

10. Love myself for who I am, not who society expects me to be