Feed yourself

I don't mean literally; although eating well is a good place to start.


Your body needs feeding in many ways: food, encouragement, kindness, love, energy.
It's easy for people with mental illness to feed others; we know how it feels to run on empty and therefore we try to ensure others don't do the same, but you can't pour from an empty cup and sometimes we have to fill our own minds and bodies before we can turn to others.


This is what I've been doing lately, I've been giving myself the kindness of a break from campaigning and from being there for other people. Do I feel guilty about this? Hell yes, but I know that I need to be kind to myself and allow my mind and body to feed on sleep and warmth and, most importantly, self-love.


I'm a blessed person; I have family and friends who allow me to step back and also who keep an eye out for when I'm sinking. I feel as though I'm on the cusp and that's why I've made myself get out of bed the last two days; I don't want to feed my depression instead of myself. But I've stuck to the bare minimum and whilst I can't say I feel better at all, I can say that with all my heart I have kept myself safe and been reaching out where necessary which I am extremely proud of. Each relapse I manage better, and it's showing.


I'm taking my medication but it can only do so much, it does get to me a bit when people automatically go "have you stopped taking your meds?" No, just sometimes I need more than that, sometimes I get triggered and the medication isn't a cure. It's a tool to help me manage on the most part, and it does. Waiting for therapy is like waiting for my life to begin, I'm ready to take that next step but all this waiting is leaving me feeling lost and abandoned. It's like I'm in a rut and the only way out is to complete the next level but the game has frozen.


I've decided though, that 2019 is the year of forgiveness. I'm not going into this year holding any ill will of those from my past. If you hurt me, I forgive you. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. If we fell out, I wish you well. If we lost touch, feel free to reconnect or not; up to you. If you owe me money, forget about it. If we're in a disagreement, I still love you. Life's too short to waste on hate.


I'm going to make myself a hot chocolate now and have a lie-down. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day 🙏