Not okay

Blogging lately has been me trying to think of something to write about, and so my last post was me trying to just not think and go back to basics.

The problem is, things have been getting bad again and I don't like it. I don't like how easily things can crumble when you turn your back on them for a moment. The thing with mental illness is you can't ever take a break. Its like being responsible for twenty toddlers with no help; it's chaos. If you have a drop in concentration it can lead to disaster and it's absolutely exhausting always trying to prevent stepping on the unknown landmines.

Voices even wake me from sleep sometimes so I don't even get much refuge from my illness then. I also have to take sedatives to even fall to sleep; if they decide to work at all. Then suddenly I'm asleep for what seems like days, I guess it all gets too much and my brain shuts down.

I'm just laying here listening to sad soothing songs about how, basically, life sucks but you got to carry on regardless. 

I don't know why things have got so bad; maybe because I've neglected to keep on top of things whilst I've been campaigning to make the world a better place, or maybe because of the time of year.

I don't even bother asking for help anymore from my community mental health team because they just keep reminding me to do self-care and distraction techniques as if I'm stupid and have never thought of that. Then they remind me I'm on the waiting list for therapy. Yes, I am aware but I need help now not in some far-off future. I know how to keep myself safe, I want to know how to keep myself sane. 

Sick of feeling sick. I just want to be able to say 'I got my troubles' but be able to manage them as well as everyone else does.

I just wish there was a magic pill or a therapy that would suddenly give me all the answers; but there isn't. I'm always going to wonder 'why me' I'm always going to wonder what caused my trauma to happen and I'm always going to wonder if the person responsible is truly sorry.

I'm always going to be the little broken girl; and I'm just honestly not okay with that.