WHAT THINGS MAKE YOU HAPPY TO BE ALIVE?

A year ago, this would have been a veeery short list. But I’ve worked very hard on myself and managed to thin the dark cloud of doom that plagued my every waking moment.

I love nature; birdsong, the waves crashing on the beach, the colours of the flowers. I love starry nights and summer days. I love looking up at the moon and feeling connected to everyone around me seeing the exact same moon. I love the soothing feel of rain on my skin when I’m hot or not feeling well. I love a gentle breeze drifting through my open window.

I love writing; I love the flow of my imagination; the release from the bombardment of thoughts and emotions as they begin to make sense on the page. I love the comfort of reading them back to myself, knowing those feelings were real and valid. I love being able to relate to others this way.

I love my family; I love knowing I am never truly alone, even on my darkest days I have so many people to turn to. I love that they love me unconditionally and would do anything to see me safe and happy. They give me the strength to fight even when I want to give up.

I love my crazy friends; their flaws and their uniqueness, the fact they listen to my rants, sit with me when I cry, and go out of their way to make me laugh or smile. But mostly their acceptance that if I’m not myself, that’s okay and they don’t make me feel bad for it or for cancelling plans.

I love music; the way there is something for every mood, a song for every emotion and experience. Lyrics that feel like they were written by your heart; or speak to you through the speaker and either reflect your pain or boost your good mood. It both can heal and comfort, and it can help create a party vibe.

I love books; falling into another world and experiencing someone else’s story is like falling through the pages. You can learn things, you can explore your own experiences, you fall in love with and hate characters. It’s a perfect escape from life.

I love the familiar feeling of a favourite movie, or the excitement of going to see the next instalment of your favourite series. (Marvel fanboys and girls, I hear you)

I love to hate waking up in the morning (okay, laaate morning) because I know I survived another day. When you’ve wanted nothing but to die for so long, suddenly life feels far more precious. 

Most important of all, life itself makes me happy to be alive. Just the fact I get to live it one more day 💗

HOW WOULD YOU LOVINGLY DESCRIBE YOURSELF TO A STRANGER?

I’ve been thinking all morning how I was going to combat this one. Do I write it as a letter, or some form of self-advertisement? In the end I thought I’d just free flow it, and see what happens..

I’m perhaps not that easy on the eye; not ugly exactly, but you wouldn’t necessarily pick me out in a crowd for my looks. But that’s okay, because looks don’t equate to worth, and I feel I have a lot more to offer the world. Am I the smartest? Not by a long shot, but I’m far from stupid, and I get by with the knowledge I have gleaned from my varied education and my life experiences.

So we’ve established I’m not classically beautiful and I’m not the next Einstein. What else is there?

I am loyal. I would go to the ends of the earth for the people I love.

I tell it how it is; I’m brutally honest (maybe a little too honest sometimes) when it comes to laying down my opinion. It might be hurtful at times, but it almost always comes from a place of love. I want people to be the best versions of themselves, and if that outfit makes you look fat; well I’m doing you a service by not allowing you to step out in it. I will also dig the hell out of things you look bomb in too, so I’m not just about pointing out flaws before you all think I’m a negative Nancy.

I choose my friends based on their souls, not the shallow stuff. I don’t care if your weight is giving Shamu a run for her money, or you have a sex dungeon in your house, or if you collect stamps and wear glasses that went out of fashion in the 1940’s. If you have a good soul, and bring positivity to my life, then you’re in. I’m nowhere near perfect enough to judge. I do, however judge attitudes. I’m generally of the rule if you’re nice to me, I’m nice to you. I hate taking sides in other people’s dramas and providing you don’t cross my fairly reasonable morality lines, we’ll get along fine.

I am immensely resilient, and yet I have never let it make me hard or cruel to others. I still see the world as a mostly good place, despite my experiences. I don’t believe people are generally bad; I think a lot of bad things happen, we each have good and bad in us, and sometimes we make bad decisions either as coping mechanisms or out of anger and fear. Does that mean all bad deeds are forgivable? No, but I do believe the people who hate the most are the ones most in need of love.

I may not have a completely selfless heart, but I do have a large one and it is capable of so much love for people. I care more than I let on, and I hurt when I see others hurting. My passion for helping others guides me to write these things, to speak out about my struggles, because if I can help just one person I can rest easy. I know I can’t change the world alone, but if each person I manage to reach out to also reaches out; together maybe we can.

I’m creative. I might not be a pragmatic problem solver, but my brain has a beautiful way of turning a complete muddled up mess of emotions into something that somehow makes perfect sense on a page. I can somehow turn the most painful memories into something raw and real and emotive that not only others can be drawn in to, but that I can be proud of. I can create a glorious world of fiction from my deep and powerful imagination. I can see an empty room and imagine how it could look, I can see an odd clothing garment and find a way to turn it into an outfit when others wouldn’t think twice about throwing it away. It’s all about the accessories..

Writing this actually really helped me to see the good parts in myself that sometimes we overlook. It’s so easy for the world to convince us that if we aren’t models or rocket scientists that we don’t matter; but actually each of us has something unique to offer that makes us special. We just sometimes have to stop looking at the areas we fall short in, and begin to appreciate the areas we excel in. Maybe you haven’t found it yet, your niche. But that’s just more reason to explore and have fun with life. Don’t let the ‘no’ prevent you from finding your ‘yes.’

HOW CAN YOU SET BETTER BOUNDARIES IN YOUR LIFE?

I’ve always both needed and misunderstood boundaries. They’re here to keep us safe, to let us know what’s right or wrong, and to help us understand where we stand with other people.

The basic boundaries such as ‘don’t kill anyone’ are obvious to me; I know it’s not okay to enter someone’s home without permission or jump onto railway lines. These keep me and others safe and prevent me from going to jail, so abiding by these rules/boundaries are easy.

But these aren’t the only kind of boundaries that exist. There are emotional boundaries too. Those are the kind which you must determine for yourself; there are no handbooks or written laws to guide you. These are the types I struggle with. How much is too much when it comes to sharing? Can you be friends with someone, have a fling, and then go back to being friends? What happens when one of those people get into a relationship? Personal boundaries are so important to ensure we are safe mentally.

Unfortunately, I’ve never really been able to set personal boundaries let alone stick to them. I’ve always been easily swayed by others, at a detrimental cost to my emotional wellbeing. I trust far too easily, I see good even when I’ve been shown bad, and I forgive too quickly.

It’s black and white for me, so it’s hard to understand that everyone has their own agendas. If you’re my friend, I’m ride or die for you. If you’re my enemy, nobody will hate you more. If I love you, nobody on this planet will ever love you more, or do more for you. I will never be able to entertain the notion that someone can be my friend and enemy at the same time; despite having evidence on multiple occasions. I know it is a thing, I just don’t understand how.

Because of this, I am incredibly open with my friends and loved ones. I don’t see why I should hide things from them unless it’s something that I’ve been sworn to secrecy or would harm them in some way. This generally means I’ll ‘overshare’ and thus end up providing ammunition for those who turn against me.

It also means that when it comes to being in love, as much as I try and be the cool, no strings attached girl; I’m so not. I can’t compute that hand holding, kissing, and (as Sheldon Cooper would call it) coitus, can equate to still being just friends. To me, friends don’t kiss one another. Friends don’t measure their hands against each other and linger with their fingers entwined whilst cuddling. Those are things that couples do and maybe I’m stupid for assuming that someone who wants to do those things would have feelings for me, but I am not about to change my mind on that. I’m also certain that if someone tells you they want to be with you and then changes their mind that you’re not crazy for being angry and hurt about it.

I know I need to set boundaries around relationships. I know I can’t trust my feelings, or people’s actions, but where does that leave me? Setting a boundary that I never fall in love again is like asking the tides to cease. Refusing to forgive someone is perhaps something I can work on, but I’m all too aware that if nobody gave me multiple chances I might not be here typing this now. People might not change but I do believe they can grow.

I’m aware I need to better protect my heart, but I’m still unsure of the how. I’m going to call this one a work in progress and call it a day.

WHAT IS ONE THING IN YOUR LIFE YOU NEED TO GET RID OF?

Past baggage.

This idea that I must carry every negative thing every step of the way; that I have to base every new decision and judgement on past experiences. I can’t bury the past and I can’t wish it away with a magic lamp, but I don’t have to sling it around my shoulders and wear it everywhere I go either.

I can meet a new person with a fresh slate and not blame them for other people’s misdeeds or assume they will treat me badly because everyone else did. I can believe in what they say and do until they themselves show me differently.

I can smile at a man in a bar and not assume he will think I’m leading him on, I can date without already expecting the worst in men, and I can be open about my mental health without preparing counter-arguments and defence mechanisms.

There’s every chance I’ll be right not to trust anyone, and I’ll get hurt again, but there’s also a chance that I’m wrong and if I don’t allow someone to get close to me I’ll never move past it.

I’ve got to stop seeing my abusers in strangers, my exes in new flames and my past failures in present opportunities.

No, I can’t forget what happened, and I shouldn’t. But I’ve also got to recognise that it’s in the past and those things don’t define me. I need to stop looking for ways to get hurt because if you’re looking; you’ll always, always find it.

WHERE IN YOUR LIFE DO YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND TAKE YOUR TIME?

Love.

When it comes to men, I’m a sucker for a great smile and someone that can make me laugh and feel good about myself. I’m not saying I fall in love with every man, but when I do, I do fast and deeply.

I’m not that crazy girl who photoshops their weddings and children and plans their lives together in the first month or anything, but it doesn’t take long for me to develop feelings. On top of this trait of mine, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so unfortunately for me that comes with feeling things far more intensely than other people do. It also leads to major fears of abandonment, and an unhealthy need to be accepted and loved in return.

I’m not a desperate person, and I’m happy being alone, I don’t spend my days actively seeking a relationship but when I meet someone I can’t control it. I just fall, usually instantly can tell if I like someone or not. The problem is, because it’s so sudden and uncontrollable, often the guy isn’t into me. This leads to a lot of heartbreak and confusion because how can you be friends with someone you’re head over heels for? But at the same time, how do you walk away from someone that makes you feel so great about yourself?

I try every single time to keep it cool, and to not allow myself to hope for anything more, but some men also like to try their luck or like a good flirtation; which I can’t cope with. I can’t handle mixed signals. You want to kiss me, hold my hand and flirt with me but just want to be friends? One of the unhelpful side-effects of BPD is black and white thinking. I can’t comprehend how someone can do everything you would in a relationship ‘but not have feelings.’ You’re either friends, or you’re more.

How does one go about dating in 2018 when everyone says one thing and means another, but you take everything literally? And how do you survive yet another broken heart when someone who you’ve tried multiple times to explain this to, plays you anyway?

It’s hard when the majority of your friends are in long term relationships, married and/or have children (admittedly the latter I could do without) and you don’t even understand how the basics of a mature functioning relationship work.

NAME ONE THING YOU LOVE ABOUT BOTH YOUR BODY AND YOUR PERSONALITY

Body

I love my eyes. I love the ‘sunflower’ effect around the centre, I love that they’re green and rare and that they seem to always reveal how I’m feeling based on the shade of green they reflect. I love that in a sea of brown and blue eyes, I have something unique. I love how through them I see the beauty of the world, that I’m blessed to have them work and have them look awesome, too.

Personality

I struggled more with this one. Not because I don’t love anything about it, but because I couldn’t decide what was most worthy of a mention. There are so many aspects of me that I love, that make up who I am. But when push came to shove; I chose my resilience.

I have been through so many things that have tested me as a person: experienced heartache, abuse, trauma, metal health issues, and yet I’m still standing. I’m currently 9 months without a self-harm incident, and it’s been over a year since my last psychiatric hospital admission. I never gave up, even when I was desperate. I fought tooth and nail to overcome my demons and it’s a fight I face each day to keep control and to remind myself that I can do this; that I matter. There are still unhealthy coping mechanisms I need to overcome, there’s still many battles ahead of me. It’s a fight to the death some days but I’m a survivor, and I wouldn’t bet against me.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR?

The past.

I had a lot of experiences growing up that I didn’t understand, or had no control of, and I’ve spent most of my life blaming myself for them. Telling myself I should have been better, that maybe I allowed it, or that I could have prevented it in some way; but the truth is a child should not have that sort of responsibility.

A child cannot be blamed for a parent neglecting their responsibility to them, or for someone else’s actions towards them. A child cannot be expected to know how to deal with situations that even adults would struggle in.

I was that child; I am that child and I need to forgive myself because it wasn’t my fault. The fall-out after, my spiral in behaviour wasn’t my fault; I didn’t know how to be, how to act, how to feel afterwards. I was so lost, and so afraid and I acted out.

Do I wish I had done things differently? Do I wish I’d seeked help sooner? Yes, but I understand now that I wasn’t ready. I understand that wishing the past could be different is as useful as owning a chocolate teapot.

Secondly, I need to recognise my mental health is not my fault. It is simply a by-product of my environment, of my experiences. It is not my fault that sometimes I feel there is no way out. It is not my fault that my brain doesn’t see things or understand things the way other people do. It is not my fault that I struggle to get a hold of my emotions; I never developed them properly.

I’m not damaged, I just must work harder than some people at times to feel okay. Maybe I’ll never fully recover, but that’s okay. Sometimes just accepting the life we have been given and adapting where possible is enough.

It’s not my fault, and whilst there are days I am constantly needing to remind myself of that fact; I’m starting to believe it. And the heavy weight of the world feels just that little bit lighter for it.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO START SAYING ‘YES’ TO?

Life, adventure, opportunity.

For too long I’ve sat around waiting for something I’ve realised will never happen. I’ve put my life on hold, because I’ve never really been good at letting go of people or things. I’ve never been good at seeing that just because something good didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean something better isn’t waiting around the corner.

For an impulsive person, I need a lot of structure, and change is incredibly difficult for me to handle. This generally means I say no to last-minute plans or opportunities; which I regret. Obviously turning things down for financial or health reasons are fine, but sometimes it’s something that I just panic about or overthink my way out of.

Sometimes I’ve turned down dates because I’m still hung-up on some loser that will never see me the way I want them to or blown off friends to help people that don’t deserve it, because I feel I need their approval in some way. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s something I’m working every day on, but it all stems from a lifetime of lacking self-worth and feeling unworthy. The irony in that, is that the choices people like myself make only further our beliefs; because what decent person would love us, right? It’s a horrible cycle of emotional (sadly for some people also physical) abuse and abandonment which leaves us desperately trying to win them back and ‘be better.’

I need to stop saying ‘yes’ to the wrong people and instead start saying ‘yes’ to the good things in life. The things that I don’t feel stupid about a few days later. The things that bring positivity into my negative mind and force me to doubt myself for the right reasons. Time to break a habit of a lifetime and allow myself the happiness that I’m sure I’ve got coming my way someday.

Saying yes to things and people that remind me that I matter, and that I deserve more that I accept, is another step towards self-love. And as they say, if you can’t love yourself, how can anyone else?

WHAT IS A COMPLIMENT YOU STRUGGLE TO ACCEPT ABOUT YOURSELF?

Any.

I’m extremely uncomfortable when it comes to compliments; I find them unbelievable, perhaps even forced or fake. I’ve always been this way, perhaps it’s because I’ve always seen the things I’ve wished to be in other people. I’ve always compared myself to others, and I’ve perfected the art of putting myself down; because if I say it, it saves me the uncomfortable feeling that everyone is thinking it secretly.

I think the ones I’ve always ignored or laughed off the most is about appearance over personality, but really anything that makes me seem better than I feel is instantly rejected. I feel my friends’ frustration as I disregard their compliments and hold on to the one negative thing.

‘You look fantastic, today’ will convert into me wondering if they usually think I look awful. Otherwise, why are they so surprised, right?

I know I’m not the only one who does this; I’m always hearing men and women putting themselves down in some way or comparing themselves to others. Not only do I know I’m not alone in feeling: inadequate, not smart enough, not successful enough, not attractive enough, not thin enough; I also know how damaging this can be to our self-esteem. Each time we reinforce our own, or somebody else’s belief that we aren’t good enough, we are telling ourselves that we don’t matter. We are telling ourselves that we don’t deserve respect, or love.

It’s not something I’m going to be able to change in a month, but I definitely want to start hearing the good things and allowing them to sit with me instead of instantly dismissing them as lies. Perhaps what they are saying is slightly exaggerated, perhaps they’re only saying it to make me feel better. But if we’re honest, don’t we all desperately want to feel good about ourselves?

So maybe it’s time to let ourselves say ‘okay, bring on the compliments’ every now and again. And even more important than that; lets give ourselves some! 💗

WHAT GOOD HABIT DO YOU WANT TO START THIS MONTH?

Being positive.

I read today’s post and then learned it didn’t say ‘what bad habit do you want to give up,’ but that it said the complete opposite. My brain read a completely different thing to what it was seeing!

It’s easy with depression and other mental illnesses to be swamped with negativity and get swept up in this awful habit of negative thoughts. So, as we enter July, I’m going to try and start each day with a positive thought rather than an immediate negative one.

I’m going to try and find 5 things each morning that are worth getting out of bed for, and 5 things each night that I’ve been grateful for; I’ll probably tweet them.

I’m also going to start celebrating the small stuff more often. It’s okay if I didn’t get any writing done today, or as much as I wanted to. It’s okay if all I managed today was have a shower, do basic chores, put my onesie on and cry. It’s so healthy to get in touch with your emotions, it’s immensely important to listen to your body and your mind and to take care not to push yourself too hard. Especially when it comes to having mental illness, because a one-day relapse and/or self-care day is miles better than weeks or months of struggling because you feel you must carry on regardless of how you feel. And, chances are you’re not going to be achieving things or doing your work efficiently anyway; because you’re probably going to be exhausted and plagued with intrusive thoughts.

Positivity breeds positivity, smiles are infectious; but this does not mean we should hide behind a mask. I’m not saying I’m going to pretend I’m not depressed, or that my voices aren’t wearing me down, or that my emotions aren’t bundled up in the washing machine of my mind on full spin cycle; I’m saying that I’m going to make a conscious effort to find small areas of light in the darkness. The ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ angle.

I’m looking out the window at the blue skies and the colourful landscape, and whilst today I may feel as though the weight of the world is crushing down on me; there’s such a beauty in how nature always finds a way to survive.

So today I will draw on my resilience as a positive, and I will breathe some fresh air and remind myself that it’s okay not to be okay, and that tomorrow is another day with more opportunities for positivity.

😊