The past.
I had a lot of experiences growing up that I didn’t
understand, or had no control of, and I’ve spent most of my life blaming myself
for them. Telling myself I should have been better, that maybe I allowed it, or
that I could have prevented it in some way; but the truth is a child should not
have that sort of responsibility.
A child cannot be blamed for a parent neglecting their
responsibility to them, or for someone else’s actions towards them. A child
cannot be expected to know how to deal with situations that even adults would
struggle in.
I was that child; I am
that child and I need to forgive myself because it wasn’t my fault. The
fall-out after, my spiral in behaviour wasn’t my fault; I didn’t know how to be,
how to act, how to feel afterwards. I was so lost, and so afraid and I acted
out.
Do I wish I had done things differently? Do I wish I’d seeked
help sooner? Yes, but I understand now that I wasn’t ready. I understand that
wishing the past could be different is as useful as owning a chocolate teapot.
Secondly, I need to recognise my mental health is not my
fault. It is simply a by-product of my environment, of my experiences. It is
not my fault that sometimes I feel there is no way out. It is not my fault that
my brain doesn’t see things or understand things the way other people do. It is
not my fault that I struggle to get a hold of my emotions; I never developed
them properly.
I’m not damaged, I just must work harder than some people at
times to feel okay. Maybe I’ll never fully recover, but that’s okay. Sometimes
just accepting the life we have been given and adapting where possible is enough.
It’s not my fault, and whilst there are days I am constantly
needing to remind myself of that fact; I’m starting to believe it. And the
heavy weight of the world feels just that little bit lighter for it.
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