WHERE IN YOUR LIFE DO YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND TAKE YOUR TIME?

Love.

When it comes to men, I’m a sucker for a great smile and someone that can make me laugh and feel good about myself. I’m not saying I fall in love with every man, but when I do, I do fast and deeply.

I’m not that crazy girl who photoshops their weddings and children and plans their lives together in the first month or anything, but it doesn’t take long for me to develop feelings. On top of this trait of mine, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so unfortunately for me that comes with feeling things far more intensely than other people do. It also leads to major fears of abandonment, and an unhealthy need to be accepted and loved in return.

I’m not a desperate person, and I’m happy being alone, I don’t spend my days actively seeking a relationship but when I meet someone I can’t control it. I just fall, usually instantly can tell if I like someone or not. The problem is, because it’s so sudden and uncontrollable, often the guy isn’t into me. This leads to a lot of heartbreak and confusion because how can you be friends with someone you’re head over heels for? But at the same time, how do you walk away from someone that makes you feel so great about yourself?

I try every single time to keep it cool, and to not allow myself to hope for anything more, but some men also like to try their luck or like a good flirtation; which I can’t cope with. I can’t handle mixed signals. You want to kiss me, hold my hand and flirt with me but just want to be friends? One of the unhelpful side-effects of BPD is black and white thinking. I can’t comprehend how someone can do everything you would in a relationship ‘but not have feelings.’ You’re either friends, or you’re more.

How does one go about dating in 2018 when everyone says one thing and means another, but you take everything literally? And how do you survive yet another broken heart when someone who you’ve tried multiple times to explain this to, plays you anyway?

It’s hard when the majority of your friends are in long term relationships, married and/or have children (admittedly the latter I could do without) and you don’t even understand how the basics of a mature functioning relationship work.