I'm saying yes to more opportunities, I'm planning for adventures, I'm making my money go on things that will bring positivity to my life instead of things that will be forgotten in a few weeks or even days.
I'm trying to accept certain people come into your life but are not meant to stay. I'm trying to accept that no matter how you feel, you cannot control the outcome of situations or another person's free will. I'm trying to mourn the life I planned, and find a new one that works for me and not just do what I feel I should do to fit in. I don't fit in, I will never fit in, so I need to instead find a place in the world just for me.
I'm working on my writing. Perhaps I could dedicate a bit more of my time to it, but it's been very hard in this ridiculously unusual hot weather we've been having to hunch over a laptop indoors and not want to have siestas and work on my tan. Genuinely can't recall the last time we had rain.
I've written the odd poem, I've chosen the list for my book and worked out the chapters, and I've reached out to illustrators; to no avail. I seem stuck and until I figure a way to unlock the door (which I have to do myself, as it's my project) I feel a bit like I've hit the wall. I don't want to get too mixed up in my projects, and the last thing I want to do is shelve it because I am not giving up. I've put too much literal blood sweat and tears into these poems. I've bared my soul onto the pages and I owe it to myself to share the fruit of my labours.
What can I do, really, other than continue with my efforts and perhaps spend a little less time looking back and a bit more time looking to the future. Spend a little more time wondering how to make myself happy, instead of looking to others to do that for me. Learn how to adapt to life in recovery, and how to take those steps into my new life as a woman with mental health but also a woman with a fierce desire to reach the world through her words. A woman who wants to be accepted, but maybe sometimes still needs to work on acceptance. A woman who needs to learn how to be less defensive and more willing to listen. A woman who is finding her feet on uneven ground and slowly realising that not one single human in the world really knows what they are doing. We're all stumbling around trying to stay alive, and we're all making mistakes and each of us has something about ourselves we'd change. Perhaps I struggle with certain social norms and cues and perhaps I feel things deeper than the average human and get caught on spin cycle more often than not but when it comes down to it; we're all just cucumbers with anxiety.
We all are searching for happiness and forgetting to look inwards. We're so busy getting caught up in buying the latest technology, and keeping up with the latest trends, and comparing ourselves to our peers that we're forgetting that we're house plants with more complex emotions. We need sunlight, we need water (both literally and figuratively) and we need nourishment. We need moments to shine; be it at work or in our spare time. We need people to interact with in order for us to learn and develop. We need nurturing, we need to prune the weed-like negative people attempting to suffocate us, and we need space to breathe and grow.
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