By 'sticking it to the man' and proudly talking about my mental health in the face of stigma and discrimination.
Over the past two years I've been fighting alongside Time to Change as a Young Champion and challenging stigma and discrimination around mental health.
1 in 4 people every year will struggle with mental illness, but every single person has mental health.
It's so important for us to look after not only our bodies but our minds, too, and to remind ourselves that it's okay not to be okay sometimes.
Every time I post something that promotes awareness, every time I share my struggles, my victories, and my in-betweens with regards to my mental illness I am potentially helping someone. Maybe I'm making someone say 'wow, I didn't realise it could be like that' or maybe I'm reaching out to someone who feels the same way and now feels less alienated from society because they're not as alone as they thought they were.
Every time I speak about, contribute to, or share something my fellow Champions do, I'm helping them reach a broader audience and giving them support is good for their self-esteem, too. I know from experience that it's ever so nice to know what you're doing is appreciated.
I've had so many conversations where someone has said that my willingness to be so open about my struggles has made them feel more confident to speak out about their own.
I've also spoken to family members who have started asking me the more challenging questions, ones that need to be asked, but perhaps they didn't before feel comfortable asking. 'Do you hear or see things when I'm around you?' shouldn't be something to be afraid to ask. And the answer is yes, I do; but it doesn't make me any less me. 'How would I know how to help you?' is the follow up, and nine times out of ten I would express that I was struggling, take my medication and retreat to a quiet place if possible, or place my earphones in and listen to calming music until the worst subsided. If I could not for whatever reason calm myself down or was exhibiting signs of unsafe behaviours, myself or a trusted person could call the Beacon or the Crisis team, or worst case scenario an ambulance. How is this making the world a better place? If my friends and loved ones know how to handle me in a crisis, and know how to help, they are more likely to have compassion towards, and be able to help, others in need of treatment.
It's also helped others who, whilst understanding I have an invisible illness and supporting me through each stage of my recovery, struggle to see it in others. I recently did filming for Time to Change with a few other Champions and I showed my close family the raw footage; my grandmother was shocked how 'normal' each and every one of us seemed. She said for the first time she really understood that absolutely anyone could be struggling and that you cannot tell just from looking at them. If this can change my grandmother, it has the potential to change someone else's thought processes too; and thus reduce stigma and discrimination.
I may not be doing more than making a few drops in the ocean; but the smallest ripple can change the tide...
I'm working on this every day. I'm walking away from negative situations, I'm focusing more on myself.
I'm saying yes to more opportunities, I'm planning for adventures, I'm making my money go on things that will bring positivity to my life instead of things that will be forgotten in a few weeks or even days.
I'm trying to accept certain people come into your life but are not meant to stay. I'm trying to accept that no matter how you feel, you cannot control the outcome of situations or another person's free will. I'm trying to mourn the life I planned, and find a new one that works for me and not just do what I feel I should do to fit in. I don't fit in, I will never fit in, so I need to instead find a place in the world just for me.
I'm working on my writing. Perhaps I could dedicate a bit more of my time to it, but it's been very hard in this ridiculously unusual hot weather we've been having to hunch over a laptop indoors and not want to have siestas and work on my tan. Genuinely can't recall the last time we had rain.
I've written the odd poem, I've chosen the list for my book and worked out the chapters, and I've reached out to illustrators; to no avail. I seem stuck and until I figure a way to unlock the door (which I have to do myself, as it's my project) I feel a bit like I've hit the wall. I don't want to get too mixed up in my projects, and the last thing I want to do is shelve it because I am not giving up. I've put too much literal blood sweat and tears into these poems. I've bared my soul onto the pages and I owe it to myself to share the fruit of my labours.
What can I do, really, other than continue with my efforts and perhaps spend a little less time looking back and a bit more time looking to the future. Spend a little more time wondering how to make myself happy, instead of looking to others to do that for me. Learn how to adapt to life in recovery, and how to take those steps into my new life as a woman with mental health but also a woman with a fierce desire to reach the world through her words. A woman who wants to be accepted, but maybe sometimes still needs to work on acceptance. A woman who needs to learn how to be less defensive and more willing to listen. A woman who is finding her feet on uneven ground and slowly realising that not one single human in the world really knows what they are doing. We're all stumbling around trying to stay alive, and we're all making mistakes and each of us has something about ourselves we'd change. Perhaps I struggle with certain social norms and cues and perhaps I feel things deeper than the average human and get caught on spin cycle more often than not but when it comes down to it; we're all just cucumbers with anxiety.
We all are searching for happiness and forgetting to look inwards. We're so busy getting caught up in buying the latest technology, and keeping up with the latest trends, and comparing ourselves to our peers that we're forgetting that we're house plants with more complex emotions. We need sunlight, we need water (both literally and figuratively) and we need nourishment. We need moments to shine; be it at work or in our spare time. We need people to interact with in order for us to learn and develop. We need nurturing, we need to prune the weed-like negative people attempting to suffocate us, and we need space to breathe and grow.
Living with BPD is like having knives constantly stabbing and twisting in your head.
It's excruciatingly contradictory. A friend becomes an enemy. The one person you desperately want to talk to, you can't bear to be around. You're terrified of being abandoned and yet crave time alone. You either manage exceptionally, or you crumble into a million pieces. There are extreme highs, and unbelievable lows. Everything is sharper, more intense, raw. There is only black&white, there is no escape, only a terrible and overwhelming loneliness. And yet most of the time, we smile and tell the world we're okay. In some ways we are okay. We're strong, we're survivors. In others we need more understanding and compassion than we ask for because we don't think we deserve it. We're our own worst enemies, we turn our hurt and anger inwards and target ourselves. We want to believe in people, we want to trust them but for one reason or another we can't. Please be patient with us. One thing I can guarantee is we're trying. We're trying so damn hard to be better.
Also, many people joke about 'the voices in their head' and seeing things but it's not funny. I don't talk about it often, but for me it's a way of life. I'd give anything to hear silence just once, to be able to trust my senses. I'm never alone, I'm never free, I have to work overtime to rummage through what I'm hearing and seeing to make sense of it. I often get headaches or worse, migraines, because whilst I'm battling the effects of anxiety, depression, PTSD and BPD, I'm also constantly filtering out background noise. I'm watching other people react so that when I see things; sometimes horrible, shocking things, I can judge how to react myself. (Example: in Canterbury town see a girl get run down by a car. I gasp- nobody else bats an eye, the car continues at the same pace- no body on the ground. It wasn't real. I sip my tea awkwardly.) It isn't fun to have a running commentary of your day, every day. It isn't fun hearing screaming, yelling, or voices telling you that you should be dead. It isn't fun seeing your bathwater turn to blood, or never really knowing if anything is real. Often asking 'did you hear that?' because you want confirmation whether your brain is playing tricks on you. It's not cute to be ill, it's not fun to have your own mind terrorise you, please don't joke about it.
Having someone in your corner is so important. It doesn't require much- sometimes just knowing someone is there and willing to listen is enough to prevent the isolation and loneliness mental illness can bring. It's not only asking how things are, but asking 'how are you' , and waiting for an honest answer. It's giving space when needed and also breaking isolation by providing a consistent presence we can rely on. Many of us have had experiences that have made trust difficult and we need to know we can depend on you and that you won't abandon us.
Sometimes, I feel like the colour has drained from the world. I know now that it's only temporary, and I've learned to seek out the beauty in the grey. Tonight, it's a little harsh. Tomorrow, it's a blank canvas to paint.❤
My instant thought came to food, but I realise now that my relationship with food isn't healthy. That isn't indulgence, it's a daily battle. It's a vicious cycle of self-hate. A fear of the unknown, or a situation I cannot control, a need to replace the emotion with something (in my case, food) in order to gain control of an aspect of my life, and then an overwhelming feeling of shame which inevitably leads to me reaching out for my comfort blanket; more food.
My indulgences are actually when I buy an outfit that I actually don't hate myself in, or treat myself to a hair cut, or have a self-pamper day and look after my skin, my nails and my hair. It's when I buy a pair of shoes or some cheap costume jewellery I don't really need but they make me feel pretty. It's when I say 'okay, I don't have much spare cash this week after bills but instead of being sensible and only spending £3 a day, I'm going to blow it all on a day out because memories mean more than staying home like I do every other day.'
They are when I get engrossed in a book and forget about the rest of the world, or when I get carried away with my writing and a hour's gone by and I'm happily in my own world. It's when I treat myself to a midnight viewing cinema ticket to see the film I've waited over a year for and just absolutely have to see it the moment it hits the big screen.
Indulgences aren't necessarily being a glutton and scoffing an extra portion of chips, or having another glass of wine. It's something that you maybe wouldn't otherwise do. It's something you go out of your way to do to make yourself feel better. It's treating yourself.
'I'm not really single, I'm just dating myself. I take me out to eat, I buy me clothes, I love me.'
xoxo
Honestly? I'm not sure.
1.Perhaps it was walking away from a toxic situation even though I knew it would break my heart.
2.Perhaps it was going against every thought and urge in my body to commit suicide and choosing to reach out for help, instead.
3.Perhaps it was going through assessment after assessment in the mental health sector, reliving my most painful memories, and trusting that things would get better.
4.Perhaps it's the simpler things, like listening to my anxiety and giving myself a self-care day.
I don't know what necessarily counts as loving, but I do know that I've learned to start to put myself first. I'm starting to recognise that it isn't selfish, but necessary. You cannot fill someone else's cup if yours is empty; you must use the overflow to nourish others. It is completely okay if you're feeling overwhelmed to tell a loved one that whilst you always want to support them, you just can't take on their problems at this time. When I was training to be a lifeguard I learned that the most important person in a rescue is yourself; sad as it is, one casualty is better than two.
I was once told a true story about a man whose dog appeared to be struggling whilst swimming in a strong current. Concerned for his dog, the owner went in to rescue him, and immediately came into difficulties. Two on-call policemen went in after him, to no avail. The only survivor was the dog.
It is not wrong to help other people, in fact I highly encourage it. But it is important to do a risk assessment before you, or both of you, drown under the pressure.
'Will this physically or mentally put too much of a strain on me? What else am I currently dealing with? Will this trigger me? How can I help without getting too emotionally involved? Do I know of anyone better equipped to help with this situation?'
Taking care of your basic needs, and your physical and mental health, will always place you in a better position to hep others.
Hey guys.
I've been struggling to keep up with the challenge, and I thought I'd expand on the why.
It's really easy, as I'm sure you all know too well, to say 'I've got loads of time, I'll do it later.' Then plans change, or later becomes too late, and suddenly you've missed the deadline.
I'm only letting myself down, right? The world won't spontaneously combust if my blog doesn't go live.
It's such a terrible mindset to get into, because maybe someone was patiently refreshing, hoping for a bit of inspiration that never came. Maybe I'm helping one stranger, one post at a time and they've seen me, like everyone else in their life, as unreliable. Maybe nobody is reading this, and I'm just mindlessly filling up the void of internet space with my ramblings; but I made a promise to myself I was going to do a daily blog and I've broken that promise.
I am Queen of procrastination, of 'just 5 more minutes, and I need to change that if I'm ever going to be able to have anything in my life with meaning.
'If my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy; I deserve nothing more than I get, as nothing I have is truly mine' - Dido
Great song.. powerful meaning.
Sometimes I forget to ask for love and respect.
I'm constantly speaking about how people matter, but I forget to include myself on that list.
I have a history of self neglect and accepting less than I deserve, and I'm determined to make that right.
I owe it to myself to love myself and command respect from those who claim to love me. Respect and loyalty go two ways and I need to remember that when I give mine so freely to people who think so little of me.
Lastly, I need to accept that these things hurt me, instead of shrugging the slight off and pretending I'm okay. I need to learn to get angry instead of internalising everything and letting it eat away at me.
For speaking out and stepping from under the shadow of the past.
For too long I was afraid to speak about the things I was going through; and it made life very confusing, painful and isolating.
I fought with my misplaced guilt, and I fought to protect people when I was the one most in need of protecting.
The younger me would look at the person I've become in awe. I'm so open with my struggles, past and present.
I'm coming to terms with the things I struggled alone with, and I'm reconnecting with the parts of myself I shut off when I forced myself to repress the trauma I was both too afraid and too young to manage alone.
I have a way to go, but I'm starting to trust that I can share my problems and that people can handle hearing them. And that's enough for my inner child for today.
I am afraid to say I forgot to post yesterday! So I will be sharing two posts today. Deepest apologies 😊😊
Me, ready for the England v Croatia Semi final of the World Cup 2018. Okay, so it's not an England shirt, it's a Liverpool one, and it's not an England flag it's the UK one but.. Henderson plays for Liverpool and England are in the UK so it counts as far as I'm concerned.
I rarely smile in photos. I'm convinced it makes me look awful; but I like this one. I like the optimism in my face, I like the patriotism. I like how I did my make up to make my eyes pop but not enough that in this heat I'm a sweaty mess (thank you BB cream) and I love the idea that FOOTBALL JUST MIGHT BE COMING HOME 🏴⚽
