Tired.

 

Fighting onwards

 I'm trying, guys.

I'm fighting, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm savouring each and every breath, I'm taking stock of everything that I'm grateful for.

But sometimes we need more, we need professional support;  and this is where I have been failed. 

Failed by an oversubscribed and underfunded service, and a psychiatrist that for whatever reason saw fit to belittle me, not listen, use prejudice..and then discharge me without so much as a indication on where to access help from then onwards.

It's been a month and I'm still coming to terms with the fact I've been hung out to dry. I wanted to write about it sooner but I couldn't find the words. 

The scariest part for me is that there is no doubt in my mind that others have been treated this way. I'm not special, I didn't get singled out. If they're comfortable doing this to me, they're comfortable doing it to other vulnerable people. 

I was unfortunately headed for a real low mood cycle when I received this horrifying decision and so the last few weeks I've been scraping the barrel trying to hold myself together. Utilising my entire support system, crying myself to sleep, pretending I am unaware that the voices are getting louder and the thoughts are getting darker. 

The reality I'm left with is I honestly don't know where to turn anymore. I'm lost at sea, a mental health patient without a service to turn to. 

But I'm not going to let them win. I'm not going to let this be the hill I die on. I will continue to fight for my rights and the rights of others. I will continue with my work with Rethink mental illness, I will chase up my official complaint with my community mental health team until I receive a satisfactory response.  

I just wish everything didn't have to be so goddamn hard all the time.

The Cost of Self Care

 Hi, me again.

I'm so sorry that my posts are always like drift wood in the sparse ocean. I get in my head too much about writing something 'worthwhile' and then it sucks all the joy out of what was supposed to be a hobby, and ultimately a safe place to ramble about my thoughts and feelings about whatever springs to mind. 

It's nearly 1am and I'm up thinking about finances. Mine, in particular. I'm not about to not be able to pay my bills, but I've been a little too spend-happy this month and it shows in my bank account. It ultimately means I need to be more careful in the upcoming months to level it out again. 

Why have I suddenly started spending money like it's gone out of fashion? I needed cheering up, and something about parcels coming to the door makes me feel like it's a special occasion. Depression has been creeping in through the cracks, the spaces in my brain where I've felt comfortable to neglect for a while because I've been stable. I haven't 'split' (bpd term) on anyone in a long time, I haven't self harmed in what seems like a lifetime.. of course I've taken one hand off the steering wheel. 

The problem with mental disorders is they prey on you at your most vulnerable. When you're unsuspecting. If you feel it's too good to be true, it usually is. And it's been feeling mighty fine. 

So, naturally, I've been doing lots of self care. I've slept a lot, because I've exhausted myself by being well for so long. I've treated myself to new skin care, bath and shower products, new clothes. Things that entice me to leave my bed and pyjamas behind and live a little, but also things that if I absolutely can't, it's okay too. I even picked up a new book for the weekend to snuggle up with. The only problem is, I don't have unlimited funds and I need to have a word with myself about what's a little treat and what's extravagant. Hint; the 7 boxes in one day probably leans towards the latter 🤣. 

Honestly though, I'm just happy every time I make a purchase that isn't edible.. but that's for another day.

Valentines' Day

Happy Valentines Day beautifuls! 

Today can be a difficult one, especially if we are single, but it's a PERFECT opportunity for some self loving!

I'm not saying you have to buy yourself flowers and chocolate (although, there's nothing stopping you) I'm saying take a moment to do something that makes your heart happy.

It might be healthy eating, or helping a stranger. It might be drawing yourself a bubble bath and putting a face mask on. (Not the covid type...) it might be working towards a goal, or taking a moment of serenity in this mad world.

It might be brushing your hair, or having a shower, or just tidying your room. 

Whatever little thing you do for you today, remember it's not just today you can do self love. 

We're worthy of it all year long 💕

 

2021: The Year of Self-Love

 

Too often I find myself saying 'I am *insert derogatory word here*'

Too often I make faces at myself in the mirror, or avoid it completely. 

Too often I scold myself as I look at pretty clothes online that would never in a million years fit my body, and shame myself for it. 

Too often I delete a photograph because I look too 'flawed.'

Too often I hear my friends mark themselves down on looks or intelligence. 

The problem is, as psychology has shown us, that when we tell ourselves these things; we believe them to be true. 

Not enough do I tell myself I'm smart.

Not enough do I tell myself my eyes sparkle.

Not enough do I tell myself that I am worthy. 

I started this blog a few years ago with the purpose of learning to love myself. 2021 is the year where I enforce this. The words we tell ourselves MATTER. They shape the way we view ourselves, and in turn shapes how we allow ourselves to be treated by others. Use kind words, not just to others but to yourself. 

World Mental Health Day 2019

I haven't posted in a while, I've not been able to put into words how I'm feeling which is a rarity for me. I don't know if I've just been overwhelmed, or too busy, or what has been going on but I've honestly missed having my little blog to release some of my thoughts into.

I thought world mental health day would be perfect because everywhere today people are talking mental health.
And I'm ready to talk about mine.

Things have all gotten on top of me, and I'd forgotten how to do basic things like ask for help.
I'd forgotten that relapses are not anything to be ashamed about, and I'd forgotten to look for support from online services or hotlines.

I went to therapy today and the theme of this week was self-kindness. 

Too long I've been angry at myself for feeling down, too long I've felt weak and useless for crying about my problems. My therapist suggested this is due to my trauma and not having comfort when it was necessary. I don't self soothe, I attack myself with forms of self harm and my pyschosis throwing negative comments my way. It's time to try and sit with my (totally valid) emotions and tell yself it's okay not to be okay. I mean, that's the message I send to everyone else right?

Is it hypocrytical of me to tell people to be kind to themselves when I am unkind to myself? I think it might be..

As always, seek help if you're feeling overwhelmed like I am, reach out to anyone who is acting differently, and finally GIVE YOURSELF SOME SELF-LOVING.


You really are deserving of kindness and love and good things.

xoxo

Troubled soul

I reached out today, because I'm starting to feel like I did before my recovery started.
I rediscovered my therapy writing book and was saddened to find I related once again to the bleakness I felt when I poured desperate words onto the tear-streaked pages.


I am going to take a friend up on an offer to go to her church group. Not because I believe, but because apparently it's a healing community and, at this point, any positivity sounds perfect.
We're also going to do two evenings a week going for a stroll and talk.


I'm also going to start writing in my therapy book again because I found that to be healing back then.
Perhaps do some art, too. I need to create a healing environment so I can feel planted again instead of buried.


I'm making heartfelt pledges of love to people for no other reason than I'm terrified to be left alone and abandoned, when honestly I'm not capable of loving anyone right now. I'm getting fatter than ever and my anxiety is at an all-time-high.
The only thing (thank goodness for medication) that is under control is my psychosis, although that took a long time to sort out.

Can a troubled soul ever be truly soothed?

Repelling magnets

Everything seems so confusing right now. Imagine two magnets of the same pole repelling eachother, but also trapped so close that they are vibrating with force; now imagine one magnet is your depression and the other is your anxiety.

Your depression wants you to die. It's whole purpose is to make you give up, to end it all.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is terrified of losing you. It's petrified of death, it's purpose is to keep you safe and alive, to fight or run from situations which threaten you. 

You're battling against living whilst battling against dying; the most complex conundrum.

How do you satisfy yourself? You can't. Nothing you do will quiet the noise. Fears of dying collude with fears of continuing on in pain and suffering. 

How do you explain to someone that you don't want to die, but you don't want to live either? 

Motivation

Something I struggle with a lot is motivation. How do you make yourself do things when you'd honestly just rather be asleep?
You don't want to get up to eat, don't want to see anyone or do anything (even the fun stuff) but lay there and be as close to death as you can get; by sleeping.
As I yawn away I wonder if there is a reason behind this. Is it my medication? Is it my depression?
All I gt from professionals is 'the more you do the easier it gets' but I don't want to do anything that's the entire point! I really just do not see the point in doing anything anymore.
I started to write this in a hope to figure out what was going on in my head, but I can't even find the energy to care about this. 
I just want to fade out of existence.

Listen

Today, I opened up to a medical professional about having urges to self-harm and suicidal thoughts and her response was 'Oh, but you look lovely today.'
Why are we STILL judging with our eyes and not listening with our ears?
I felt like asking if I'd still look lovely if I'm dead, but I didn't I just signed and resigned myself to further lack of care from those who are supposed to protect and help me.
If someone tells you they are struggling, believe them. Don't find things to counter their claims. Who cares if they put makeup on? Maybe, like me, they didn't want the entire world to know they are falling apart. Maybe they needed that mask to get through the day. Maybe it was their war paint.
If she had looked closer she would have seen my chipped nails and my unwashed hair but no, she didn't see past the well-put-together outfit I chose. 
It's so easy to fool people into seeing that you are okay. It's our jobs to speak up; and more importantly to listen.

Valentine's day

Valentine's day is approaching and those who know me know that I find it the worst day on earth. Haters will say this is because I'm alone; honestly it's deeper than that. I won't deny I feel lonely sometimes, but ultimately I'm okay with being single. 
The reason I hate Valentine's day is how fake it is, how forced and unrealistic. Personally I'd rather low key gentle reminders every now and again from someone than a lavish day 'all about our love.' And love isn't perfect or beautiful, and cupid isn't fluttering around with his little arrows; love is real and raw and damn near difficult to live with sometimes. It's pain and sacrifice and putting someone else before you. Don't buy me a card and tell me you love me, SHOW me. In the little, every day things. 
If, unlike me, you are hoping for a Valentine; be your own. I bought myself flowers today because nobody can do a better job of loving me than myself. (Except maybe my mumma.) 

Reintroductions

I haven't always made the right choices, and I've hurt people. 
I don't categorise myself as a bad person, but there are things I've done that make me ashamed; maybe that's all part of growing up and I think you'd be hard pressed to find a completely innocent human above the age of 5.
We all have lied, or worse, in our lives and made mistakes. I think the only thing you can do is ask yourself if you want to be that person. If you learn from it, as I have, then I believe you can be redeemed. 
I've been through things that I shouldn't have, I have a illness in my brain that makes me have to fight to stay alive but instead of lashing out as I have in the past, I now put my energy into raising awareness and trying to help other people. 
I might have a few dents in my soul but I'd say I'm still a good person who's heart is in the right place, and I'm proud of the person I'm becoming. I'd like to reintroduce myself to a few people because honestly I don't know if they'd recognise me anymore and that's a good thing.

Time to Talk day 2019

• It's Time to Talk day on 7th February 2019 and so I've compiled a few tips on how to make that ever-so important conversation about mental health.
  
  
  ·         Set yourself emotional boundaries to avoid sharing something you may later regret.
  
  
  ·          Ensure if you are sharing personal information or experiences that you are doing it to people you trust in a safe space.
  
  
  ·         Be as open as you can, it will encourage others to do the same.
  
  
  ·         Don't be afraid to talk generally about mental health in public spaces, it can be something as simple as, 'this weather is really affecting my mood today, how are you doing mentally?' But it could really help somebody who may not have known how to bring their struggles into the conversation.
  
  
  ·         A cup of tea, a biscuit and a smile can go a long way. A listening ear goes even further. 
  
  
  
  
  What goes into a good conversation about mental health?
  Honesty about your own situation. You don't have to have experience of mental illness to talk about mental health, because we all have it. You can have a healthy mind and still want to discuss stresses or ask someone else how they are managing. It's okay to be okay and still want to have a conversation about mental health, just as much as it's okay to not be okay. There is no discrimination here. 
  Time to really hear what someone else is telling you. If you must rush off in 2 minutes to a meeting, asking someone for an in-depth conversation about how they are feeling might not be the right time. But asking someone if they are free later for a catch up if they need to talk further may make them have something to look forward to, and the knowledge that someone cares enough to make time for them.
  A safe space. Someone may be less likely to open-up fully to you on a packed tube station, but they may feel comfortable over a cup of tea at home or a quiet café.
  Encouragement is key reinforcement that you really do care. A lot of people with mental illnesses feel a burden to others and so good body language and encouraging, kind, words can really help them to relax and feel comfortable to talk.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The impact of talking about mental health
  Firstly, the impact on you. Remember the boundaries; speaking about things you don't feel ready to can be damaging. Speak to family members and friends where you can to see how they might feel, as your conversation could affect them, and try to act appropriately. It's completely okay to be vague about details you're not comfortable sharing, and it's just as important to tell someone you're not comfortable answering certain questions. It's your story and you are in control. However, the impact it can have on third parties can be overwhelmingly positive. I've personally had people go from telling me I can't possibly have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because I haven't served in the forces, to having them walk away with an understanding that any trauma can cause PTSD. I've explained to people that Personality Disorders do not make you manipulative or violent, but vulnerable and in need of support. My BPD has provoked people to say: 'don't we all struggle with emotions though?' and enabled me to explain that it's actually a whole lot more than that; we didn't develop our emotions properly as children due to whatever reasons and thus we find it difficult to process what is happening to us.  My speaking to these people and challenging their beliefs and misconceptions of mental health allows me to educate others. Our conversations are reaching people and making a difference, and the more we challenge stigma the better we can make the lives of those with lived experiences of mental illness.
  
  

Proud

It happened, the day I feel I've been waiting for my whole life; my mum said she was proud of me.
She might say she always has been, and that might be true, but it was the first time she's said it to me.

Now people on here might be all 'you shouldn't need other's approval' and I agree, but it doesn't mean I haven't wanted to hear it just once after everything I've been through. I self validate, but acknowledgement sometimes really helps.

It came after me gaining yet another (voluntary) job in the mental health sector. I am now on two advisory panels for mental health charities and also on the tailgate of the podcast I did in December which she got around to listening to on her Christmas holidays.

I'm incredibly proud of myself, and that's enough, but having my mum say that made it all seem so much better because I look up to her so much as a successful woman.

My family are incredibly supportive, and lots of them have said they are proud too which honestly means the world.  But this felt like a true win. I really feel like I am on the right path for the first time in what feels like forever. 

Writing a novel

You ever tried writing a story? It's usually quite easy to start, and as you get towards the end they sort of flicker out of existence because the excitement has gone.

This time around I know exactly how to end my story, but the middle is proving most troublesome. I've laid out most of the skeleton, but fleshing out the body is harder than I ever imagined. That's because I've gone from never finishing a story to attempting to write an entire book. A murder mystery at that!

Today I'm wondering if I will ever make anything simple for myself. Perhaps I should have started off with a short story and worked my way up; but here I am, 27 pages in and thinking 'oh my god what was I thinking.'

It's not to say I'm not enjoying it, because I am. The world I've created is sucking me in, I can feel myself immersed in the past and can almost smell the crisp air as I type it, but I now know why it's so difficult to become a successful author. It's bloody hard work!

There's so many characters to remember as well as plots and sub plots, and who hates who, and who is where at which times. I hope it all makes sense to someone in the end because sometimes I feel I've gone quite mad.

Feed yourself

I don't mean literally; although eating well is a good place to start.


Your body needs feeding in many ways: food, encouragement, kindness, love, energy.
It's easy for people with mental illness to feed others; we know how it feels to run on empty and therefore we try to ensure others don't do the same, but you can't pour from an empty cup and sometimes we have to fill our own minds and bodies before we can turn to others.


This is what I've been doing lately, I've been giving myself the kindness of a break from campaigning and from being there for other people. Do I feel guilty about this? Hell yes, but I know that I need to be kind to myself and allow my mind and body to feed on sleep and warmth and, most importantly, self-love.


I'm a blessed person; I have family and friends who allow me to step back and also who keep an eye out for when I'm sinking. I feel as though I'm on the cusp and that's why I've made myself get out of bed the last two days; I don't want to feed my depression instead of myself. But I've stuck to the bare minimum and whilst I can't say I feel better at all, I can say that with all my heart I have kept myself safe and been reaching out where necessary which I am extremely proud of. Each relapse I manage better, and it's showing.


I'm taking my medication but it can only do so much, it does get to me a bit when people automatically go "have you stopped taking your meds?" No, just sometimes I need more than that, sometimes I get triggered and the medication isn't a cure. It's a tool to help me manage on the most part, and it does. Waiting for therapy is like waiting for my life to begin, I'm ready to take that next step but all this waiting is leaving me feeling lost and abandoned. It's like I'm in a rut and the only way out is to complete the next level but the game has frozen.


I've decided though, that 2019 is the year of forgiveness. I'm not going into this year holding any ill will of those from my past. If you hurt me, I forgive you. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. If we fell out, I wish you well. If we lost touch, feel free to reconnect or not; up to you. If you owe me money, forget about it. If we're in a disagreement, I still love you. Life's too short to waste on hate.


I'm going to make myself a hot chocolate now and have a lie-down. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day 🙏

Not okay

Blogging lately has been me trying to think of something to write about, and so my last post was me trying to just not think and go back to basics.

The problem is, things have been getting bad again and I don't like it. I don't like how easily things can crumble when you turn your back on them for a moment. The thing with mental illness is you can't ever take a break. Its like being responsible for twenty toddlers with no help; it's chaos. If you have a drop in concentration it can lead to disaster and it's absolutely exhausting always trying to prevent stepping on the unknown landmines.

Voices even wake me from sleep sometimes so I don't even get much refuge from my illness then. I also have to take sedatives to even fall to sleep; if they decide to work at all. Then suddenly I'm asleep for what seems like days, I guess it all gets too much and my brain shuts down.

I'm just laying here listening to sad soothing songs about how, basically, life sucks but you got to carry on regardless. 

I don't know why things have got so bad; maybe because I've neglected to keep on top of things whilst I've been campaigning to make the world a better place, or maybe because of the time of year.

I don't even bother asking for help anymore from my community mental health team because they just keep reminding me to do self-care and distraction techniques as if I'm stupid and have never thought of that. Then they remind me I'm on the waiting list for therapy. Yes, I am aware but I need help now not in some far-off future. I know how to keep myself safe, I want to know how to keep myself sane. 

Sick of feeling sick. I just want to be able to say 'I got my troubles' but be able to manage them as well as everyone else does.

I just wish there was a magic pill or a therapy that would suddenly give me all the answers; but there isn't. I'm always going to wonder 'why me' I'm always going to wonder what caused my trauma to happen and I'm always going to wonder if the person responsible is truly sorry.

I'm always going to be the little broken girl; and I'm just honestly not okay with that.

Superpowers

What superpowers do I already have?

Resilience, love and empathy

What kind of superhero would I be?

I think I would be a mental health stigma-busting hero!

What superpowers would I like to have?

Telekinesis (the ability to control objects with your mind) and telepathy (reading/controlling minds) this means I would be able to fly using my mind which would be really cool

 

What kind of superhero do I want to be?

I think I would like to be the type to use my powers to help people by understanding their needs through my telepathy. I'd like to be a bit like spiderman and look out for the little guy rather than be iron man and look for glory all the time. I don't want to take off my disguise. I don't need recognition to be happy.

What colours would my suit be?

I would have a black sort of cat suit with purple logo and cape and perhaps some glitter because why the hell not? 

2019 goals

I don't believe in resolutions but I do believe in goal-setting.
My targets are small and manageable, and most importantly they are not being scored. They are goals, not obligations, and thus if I get to 2020 with them uncompleted; it's okay.

1. Read more

2. Socialise face to face with more people who are good for my soul

3. Find a volunteer/part-time job doing something I am passionate about

4. Write more of my book

5. Find a hobby that isn't Netflix

6. Be kinder to myself

7. Keep on giving up on me giving up

8. Be the friend I would like to have

9. Campaign more

10. Love myself for who I am, not who society expects me to be

Looking towards 2019

It's time for all the 'new year new me' rubbish.
Time for people to start making new years resolutions: ! lose weight ! quit smoking ! join a gym !
And then of course they break them instantly because let's face it, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.


The truth is that there is no magic that happens at midnight on the 31st. You won't be debt-free, skinny, or suddenly happy just because the year changed. The fact is that if you truly wanted to change, you'd be doing it already. If you are looking for a cure for happiness; be that cure. Happiness comes from within, after all. Work on your flaws and reward your strengths. Your life is not going to change just because it's a new year or because you just hope it does. It does require opportunity, but also leaving your comfort zone and taking a risk.


So as we go into 2019, take a hard look at the positive moments of 2018. Maybe it's not been a banner year, but look at the small stuff that got you through it: friends, family, petting animals, a message from a stranger, a trip out. Remember life's made up of little things, and make 2019 a time to celebrate the small victories. Set smaller goals, remind yourself what you're fighting for and, whilst staying accountable, be kind to yourself when you inevitably mess up; we're only human after all.