Pumpkins and family

Today was another tough one, in a tide of tough ones. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep, or the last time my head didn't scream at me dusk to dawn. I can't remember the last time I felt like myself and didn't feel lost and hopeless.

But today I did something new and I surprised myself. I got lost in the concentration and the slight frustration of carving a pumpkin. It was oddly calming, the monotonous task of scooping out the seeds, and tougher than it looked to follow the lines of the template with little saws and whatnot. 

I'm not saying it cured me, I'm not going to pretend I don't have a million thoughts flying around my head and a buzz of voices getting me down, but for a small moment I felt human. I was proud of my accomplishment and I enjoyed getting in the Hallowe'en spirit with my uncle, both toiling away quietly together. 

I've been staying with my auntie and uncle and my cousins and playing with the dogs, keeping distracted but not overstimulated, and they've been wonderful. I had moments of laughter and genuine happiness but also didn't feel like I had to hide when things were getting me down. It's so wonderful to be able to just be yourself and not have to wear a mask all day or feel like you can't laugh or you're 'suddenly fine.' Mental illness isn't just a complete pit of depression, and we're human. I think people forget I will still laugh at the puppy having a mad moment and I'll still appreciate a hug and a joke and a chat; and still be unwell. It's nice my family can understand this. 

I'd like to dedicate this post to my wonderful family who never cease to warm my heart with their generosity and kindness, whilst never making me feel like a burden. I hope they know I'd move heaven and earth for them all if I could. 
I'm trying so hard to find myself again. Thank you all for being patient and for loving me anyway 💙🎃