We matter

I feel numb, as though someone scooped my nerve endings out, and yet everything is heightened. I feel like a zombie on steroids, dead inside but somehow living; somehow aware. I’m exhausted, but can’t sleep. I’m trapped, just existing, and honestly at times I just want out.

When I really struggle, I try to think about what I would do if I were a stranger. I ask myself 'what would I say to someone who was telling me these exact same things?'

I'd try and tell them that emotions aren't permanent. I'd remind them that they've survived 100% of the things they've encountered so far and therefore there's no reason to suggest they won't survive this. I'd remind them that they matter, that they're loved. I would never, for a moment try to say something like ‘I couldn’t cope without you,’ or ‘think of the pain you’ll leave behind.’ I don't think anyone should be guilt-tripped when opening up. I'd try and help them find a way to cope, help them through their pain. They need help, not more to worry about.

I also try to remember that, even if I can't always feel it, I'm loved by many, many people. I try to remind myself that I'm ill not a burden and that I'm worth loving even if I'm a bit low and erratic some days, manic and self-destructive others, and difficult mostly.

Things get hard sometimes, and mental illness especially can really take you to some deep, dark places. I've been on the edge a few times. Perhaps I'm realising that I'm teetering a little closer than I thought; but I know I've got a great support system and I'm determined not to bottle it all up inside. I plan to be open and honest and to utilise my self-care techniques. Stay distracted, stay away from destructive people and behaviours, and most importantly- stay safe.

For anyone who feels alone with these feelings; you're not. You matter, you deserve love and support through both the good times and the bad.

If you're trying to be there for someone feeling this way, then you're already doing the hardest part by simply being there. You don't need all the answers, you don't need to be a therapist. All you can do is be a consistent friend or support, and encourage them to reach out if necessary to professionals. 

There are plenty of helplines like Mental Health Matters or the Samaritans or you could search for places in your area. If you feel you or someone needs immediate care then there's always the nearest a&e or you can call an ambulance/101 depending on the severity.

Like I have to remind myself every now and again, there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. We all need some from time to time..yes, even the "normal" people.