*Filler Post* Anxiety

Now this challenge is complete, I'm taking a day's breather before I start the next series; I didn't want them all to blur into one.

So today I'm just going to write a little bit about my long-term struggles with anxiety, and things I can do to prevent or aid in coping with panic attacks. Obviously not everything works for every person, and I'm not a therapist so please don't take these as anything more than suggestions and me talking about things that personally help me when I'm struggling.


I was diagnosed with panic attacks when I was 14 years old. I never had any mental health assessment so I never really understood what I was going through and was under the assumption it was a 'teenage phase' as the doctor told my mother. Due to this, it took me a very long time to realise that in actual fact things were triggering this response, that it was okay to feel this way and most importantly; there were things I could implement in order to make these experiences manageable. 

1. Grounding myself. 
When I feel an attack coming on, or if one sneaks up on me, I try to implement grounding techniques or as some call it, mindfulness. I try to think of 5 things I can see, 5 things I can hear, 5 things I can feel and so on. It really helps me to stay in the moment and, especially if my panic attack sets off a psychotic episode, it helps me to recognise reality.

2. Healing powers of water.
Sipping cooled water is a great way to remain calm. Deep breaths between sips can help both cool down and calm down. If I am near a sink I run cold water on my wrists and focus on the sensation. Chewing or sucking on ice cubes can also keep me grounded. Failing that, a hot bath can help me to relax and the bubbles and relaxing scent contribute to a safe and soothing environment. 

3. Fresh air.
When an attack comes on I find a lot of people tend to crowd me, usually with the best intentions, but this can make it worse as chances are I'm already hyperventilating. Fresh air, isolation or one trusted person to soothe me or to prompt me to do the grounding techniques and a glass of water can make all the difference.

4. Something to fiddle with.
I'm a fiddler; it's a nervous trait. Whether it is my hair, cracking my fingers, or doodling, I've got to have something to focus on. When things are uncomfortable, or socialising feels too much, it's great to have a stress ball to squeeze or a tangle toy to concentrate on.

5. Music.
Headphones are something I tend to always have on my person. They really help to reduce or block out thoughts or voices, and concentrating on the lyrics or the melody can help me remain calm and feel safe. Sometimes when I'm struggling at night I play music softly through my laptop to help me feel less alone.

6. Medication
Sometimes all that just isn't enough and I have to get pharmaceutical help from my psychiatrist or GP. I take them if I know I'm heading into a potentially triggering scenario such as a crowded place or a party.  I carry them around and if I feel a little anxious I take one and they kick in within 20 minutes. Providing I use my other coping strategies, this usually works.


The trick for me really is to not engage in a battle with my anxiety. The second I start telling myself I'm ridiculous and try to counteract the negatives, I've lost myself to a relentless game of tennis with no hopes of doing anything other than exhaust myself out and raise my stress levels higher. It's about trying to accept the emotion, reduce the amount of triggering stimuli where I can, and focus on things that make me feel safe and calm. It's also about accepting that some days I really can't manage and that I need to be a hermit for the day. It's not giving up; it's just picking your battles wisely.

GOING FORWARD, HOW CAN YOU COMMIT TO LOVING YOURSELF EVERY DAY?

This is the last post of the 31 day challenge of self love. 
-Nooo, don't panic, I'm not going anywhere!!-

I've tried something new over the last month, focusing on the positives, and I've really enjoyed the journey. I've enjoyed having to really think about some of the questions, and sometimes have surprised myself with the answers I've given. I've tried to be as honest as I can with what I've posted, and not written what I'd like to think I'd do or say.

Constantly being kind to yourself is easier said than done.  Even the best of us doubt ourselves sometimes, it's human nature. 

As I go forwards, even in my negative mindset, I'll try and find a silver lining in everything. Something that makes even the hardest things a little easier to manage. After all, that's what life is about isn't it? Managing things?

I'll try to remember that people's lives are never as they seem; I only recently have started to be more open about my 'down' days and therefore need to understand that people only want to talk about the good parts and go out of their way to hide the dirty, uncomfortable or potentially embarrassing from their posts.  

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT PERSON OR LIFE.

There is probably someone out there peering through the window of my life and thinking how great I have it. We are all fighting invisible demons, and we all have an idea of what other people's lives are like and 90% of the time we are wrong. 

I have many, many things I can be grateful for, and I am. When my illness flares up, its hard to hold on to these, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to ensure I at least try to remind myself not that others have it worse;  but that I do have things worth fighting for and getting up for. 

It's never going to be plain sailing; but I can tell myself that I matter. I can say 'I have things to be thankful for' I can tell myself I'm more than my labels or my appearance or job status. And by doing this, I believe I can slowly fall in love with myself for the first time.

WHAT LABELS (NEGATIVE & POSITIVE) DO YOU ASSIGN YOURSELF WITH?

First of all, and I feel like people are going to question this; labels are useful. They help us understand who we are, and they help others know whether we are compatible with each other. They give us a sense of belonging and understanding. 
The unfortunate thing about labels though, is that they tend to stick. In childhood, once you've been given a label, especially a negative one, you tend to carry it throughout your life. 
So how can I be for them? Generally I find the labels we give ourselves are not always what the world would give us. Labels given by bullies are not ones we have to buy into. Labels given by authoritative figures are not necessarily reflective of our true selves. Labels given by quizzes in magazines are generic and not individualised and therefore whilst may be based in truth do not define us. 

I have many labels- I'll start with some of the positive ones.

Human
Female
Daughter
Grandaughter
Neice
Cousin
Sister
Auntie
Friend
Film-Lover
Bookworm
Writer
Poet
Blogger
Campaigner
Gym member
Amateur singer
Passionate


All these labels are things that I am. They are part of what makes me who I am. Unfortunately there also labels that aren't so kind or straight-forward as that, but I still associate with or am associated with.

Mentally ill
Fat
Unemployed
Ex-girlfriend
Ex-friend
Geek
Hermit
Boring
Opinionated



I could go on with both lists, probably, but I feel this gives a feel of how I see myself. 
I think we all have labels, even invisible ones. 

WHAT BELIEFS OR WORDS DO YOU, OR DO YOU TRY TO, LIVE BY?

'Fall down 7 times get up 8.'

It's hard to pick yourself up after a failure; it's harder still when you've tried to move on, grow, build, and then you fail again and again. You sort of get to a point where it feels hopeless; asking yourself 'what's the point?'

I've tried so many times to shake off my past and make a future for myself. I've worked hard and each time success has felt possible I've either hit the self-destruct button, or things have just fallen apart for me. I really had times where I just thought 'I'm not meant to succeed at life.'

I'm proof though that picking yourself  up after you fall is worth it. I'm alive, I'm recovering, I'm maybe not where I want to be but I'm experiencing things and I'm edging my toe out the comfort zone.

Maybe it won't work out this time, either, but life is full of opportunities and I'm certain one day something will click in to place when I'm ready for it. I've certainly learned a lot from each time I've attempted things. I've met people, I've stories to tell; even if they're not all positive. In the school of life, experiences make us richer. I think I'm not far off graduating with honours..

WHO ARE YOUR ROLE MODELS AND WHAT QUALITIES DO YOU SHARE WITH THEM?

I'm not sure I ever really had a 'role model' as such.

I've admired certain celebrities for their talent, for their glamorous looks and style, for their apparent 'dream lives' but as I grew up I realised that nobody has the perfect life; it doesn't exist.

I honestly couldn't pluck someone out of the air and say 'I want to 100% be this person.' 

I have actors/actresses who portray characters I love and therefore have my thanks, I have authors who have inspired my writing and given me a place to escape to, I have models who I admire for their dedication to keeping their bodies at less than 12% fat or whatever when I can barely control my diet for 24 hours. I also admire certain family members for their hard work and the relative success/comfort it has brought them. 

Whilst I'm not always certain exactly who I am, I do know that I've never met someone I've not found one flaw in; one reason that I wouldn't want to trade with them. Perhaps the very reason I have never had a role model is because I've never known myself well enough to relate fully to anyone.

But as I feel I'm failing to answer the question, I will leave you with this; my 'role models' are those who've woken up any given morning and cried because they woke. The people who go to bed exhausted and awake after a good night's sleep even more tired because their brain has been in overdrive. The lonely, the lost, the not-quite-broken-but-definitely-slightly-cracked, the people who have faced down the very edge of life and are still here to tell the tale. Those of you who hold devastating tsunamis of trauma and hurt inside and yet still find a way to be gentle and loving to others. The anxious, the depressed, the manic, and the in-between. The ones searching for a reason in the madness. The warriors fighting against injustice and doing everything possible to make the world a better place for future generations. You all inspire me and at some point, maybe at every point; you are me.

WHAT'S ONE CHOICE YOU CAN MAKE RIGHT NOW THAT YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL THANK YOU FOR?

Reaching out when things become difficult; not pretending I'm better all the time out of guilt or because I feel that after all the treatment I've been given I should be better.

Sometimes things are tough, no matter who we are, and I have an illness which unfortunately does not come with a 'magic pill' that can instantly make all my trauma and chemical imbalances heal.
Sometimes, we have to accept that certain things never fully get better. 

I will have: good days and bad days, manic and depressive days, psychotic and anxious days, days where I suffer flashbacks and panic attacks, and sometimes I'll have empty days where I'm numb and trapped in 'factory mode.' All of these things are part and parcel of being mentally ill and whilst some happen less frequently than they used to, whilst I manage them better; I can't pretend they aren't part of what makes me, 'me.'

However I can choose to take my prescribed medication, I can take advice from medical professionals, I can regularly check in with friends, family, and my care-coordinator with anything I'm struggling with. I can commit myself fully with forthcoming treatment plans and keep on fighting the good fight. 

Things are allowed to not be okay, but I am also allowed to ask for help and make certain I am safe and keeping my emotions as stable as possible. After all, they say it's not what you're faced with in life that defines you; but rather how we react to it.

I can keep myself active and I can try and keep an eye on my eating disorder so that I don't let it fully take over my life. While I still await psychological help there will be days where I do lose control; but I can choose to not allow it to beat me down and become too detrimental to both my mental and physical health .I'm already on the dangerous side of overweight so it's important to not go any further into the red.


Most importantly, I can choose to love myself even on the days it's hardest to. I can self-soothe and I can do little things to make me feel better; face masks, bubble baths, binge watching 'Gossip Girl' on Netflix, get myself prepared for Infinity War part 2 in 2019 by re-watching the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe from the beginning, or taking myself to Hogwarts via flying car- okay fine, by DVD. I can remember to turn off my phone if necessary and I can have scheduled sleep if everything is still too overwhelming. I can have a cry and I can write a list of people I'd like to punch in the face. I can go to the gym and workout my frustrations so I don't punch said people in the face; exercise my demons, if you like 😜.

I can write, I've always got my writing. I feel it serves as a wonderful passage back in time, a way to milestone how I've grown as a writer, how I've recovered slowly with my mental health, an insight into my mind in my darkest times. I honestly think one day I'll look back at all this with nostalgia. I'll be glad I took the time to waffle to you all. My own, personal horcrux if you will...

WHAT PARTS OF YOU ARE YOU ASHAMED OF? WHAT DOES YOUR SHADOW SELF LOOK LIKE?

I think everyone has a part of themselves they're ashamed of. 

For me, it's my weight, it's the times I thought giving up was a real option, and it's the times I hid my true self because I thought I wasn't good enough.

Some people may glow on the outside and rot on the inside; I feel sometimes as though I rot on both sides. I see the neglect in the mirror and I feel lost and decrepit inside, too. 

I feel like a half-person, as though I was made with all the parts but they were rushed and everything's rough around the edges and doesn't quite fit right. 

I hate sitting next to people because I feel like they are aware I'm taking up a little too much room or that they can tell I'm anxious and getting a little sweaty; all from worrying what they are thinking of me. I hate eating in public, especially alone. If I eat an apple I imagine people are thinking 'bit late for that, isn't it?' If I eat something a little unhealthy or just 'normal' I feel like people assume it's the seventh today, or something worse. I hate clothes shopping and fumbling through the rack wondering/hoping they have my size while I skim past the many, many size 10's available and feeling people's eyes on me, probably wondering if I'm lost.

I hate that I once thought ending my life was the answer to everything. That it was the only possible outcome that would make things better. I hate that I didn't care what it would do to me if I failed or worse; what it would do to everyone else if I succeeded. I know it's an illness, but I'm still somewhat ashamed I almost let it win.

I hate that I allowed myself, for too long, to be told what I liked and didn't like. I might not have known exactly who I was; having BPD makes sense of self difficult, admittedly, but I should have allowed myself time to find out instead of blindly following the leader because I wanted to fit in. I know now that I will never fit in and I'm starting to become okay with that. I'm working on telling people to 'f' off when they tell me how to act or what I enjoy doing. 

WHAT THINGS ARE YOU REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT?

Writing.

My whole life I've been told by many, many people that my writing speaks to people. Growing up I was encouraged to use my writing as a career, I even had my English teachers telling me I could be an author. 

I don't know if it was lack of confidence, or because it's not a career that the world generally pushes you towards, but I never thought writing could be a path for me. It always felt like one of those crazy unrealistic childhood dreams such as becoming a pop star, model, or actress. 

However, despite turning my back on such ideas, writing has always been a core aspect of my life. It's helped me find a way to express things that not even I have been able to understand in my own mind, it's helped me come to terms with traumas I've struggled to overcome, and given me a voice during my darkest moments. 

I'm on the verge of taking my first dive into the unknown and publishing my first book of poetry. I started writing poetry as a way of coping with my mental health; each one serves as a poignant window into both the pain and the strength, and everything in between, during my breakdown and through my recovery.

In writing therapy I managed to use my written words to relate to others, to clearly express what I found hard to do out loud; I learned that it didn't matter if it sounded pretty or if it was free flowing; good art makes you feel or makes you think, and my writing certainly managed that. 

I don't recognise the person who wrote in my book the first few months of therapy. But I feel her pain, her hopelessness. It haunted me to realise just how ill I was; because you don't realise at the time just how unwell you are as it is just part of your daily life. I don't read the words and remember; I read them and the words take me there, to that exact emotion. Even at my lowest point I had a gift.


I realise now that it is time I used that gift to share with the world. I'm starting with these blogs and honestly believe the sky is the limit. Writing has given me such comfort and release from the horrors of the world, and now I want to give back some of that to others. I hope someone can read my work and gain something from doing so; it's happened in the past and I would love more than anything for that to continue into the future.

WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WISH SOMEONE WOULD SAY TO YOU?

I originally found this particular question a little too generic. I'm sure we all have something we'd wish people would say which are specific to them and our relationships with them. Perhaps we desperately want an apology from someone who hurt us, or we want someone special to say those three words. Perhaps we want someone to say thank you for the help we gave them, or we wish somebody had said goodbye instead of leaving with unanswered questions and a sense of 'what if?' I then realised that, as usual, I was over complicating the question. 

What I mostly want to hear is 'you know what, this sucks right now for you and that's okay.' Sometimes it's almost infuriating hearing people talk about how things will get better, that it's just a temporary state of emotion. I know nine times out of ten that it will pass, and I won't feel like the world is collapsing around me forever, but it does feel that way right now and sometimes I wish people would just help me through the moment instead of proffering a positive future. I know it comes from a place of love, I know I'm guilty of saying it myself sometimes, but I'm trying to work on that because I know how unhelpful it is. Sometimes life just sucks, and I personally think its perfectly okay to just feel that in the moment. I don't want to be constantly reminded how strong I am. I know I am strong; the problem is sometimes I just don't want to have to be. Sometimes I'm just exhausted of being strong and fighting every day to survive. 

I'd like someone to just say 'congratulations, you made it through the day.' 
Sometimes I feel I deserve a medal just for getting up, washing, and brushing my teeth. Sometimes I think that the fact that I managed to basic chores and get dressed while my mind is on fire is worthy of recognition. And when I manage to also integrate into society and socialise and be productive; well, I daresay I'm really, really proud of myself.

I'd like more people to ask how I'm doing and actually mean it. I'm all too aware people mostly just ask out of politeness and they just want to hear 'good, thanks.' They don't actually want to know; it's just social niceties. 

Most importantly; I'd like people to stop asking your job title, marital status and living situation as basic means of finding out what kind of person you are, because I don't think that tells me anything about anyone. I'm interested in what makes you tick, what you're passionate about, what dreams do you have? I'm interested in how you treat people, how you treat animals, how you view the world. I don't want to know if you work behind a desk or if you go door-to-door as a cold caller, I want to know what puts the light in your eyes. I want to know your hobbies and what you do in your down time. What fascinates you, what gets you out of bed in the morning? And I'd really like people to want to know those kind of things about me, instead of just 'what do you do for work?' 

WHAT DOES YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM LOOK LIKE? CAN IT BE MADE STRONGER?

I think absolutely anything can be improved upon, strengthened, adapted. That being said, I feel I have a pretty solid support system around me.

Friends and family provide me with the day-to-day relief of general life problems and the days where things just seem too much. They are there to cheer me up, listen to my worries and to allow me a safe space to cry or just be. They are my first port of call when things are feeling difficult, and can be counted upon if I need further help.

My care-coordinator is there for the more complex matters, someone professional to touch base with, to push through any specific needs I have, and to provide help with coping strategies and my worries and fears. She provides referrals for me to access therapeutic resources such as psychotherapy and CBT, which I am on a waiting list for, as well as being given a peer support worker and contact with the occupational therapy team. If she is unavailable, the community mental health team's duty worker can help me.

My GP is there to provide me with the basic medications I require on a daily basis; antidepressants and anxiety medications. He can help me if I feel I need a stronger dose, or if I have any new symptoms related to my mental health. If he cannot help, I can request an appointment with my psychiatrist.

If all else fails, or if I am in need out of hours, I can call the crisis team. Their dedicated workers can provide over the phone support, and if it is necessary to have longer-term support, I can be referred to their client list and have daily or weekly home visits depending on necessity and severity of my decline in health. 

If I am still in need of support, or I have failed to contact the above, as a last resort I can attend A&E where I can get any physical injuries seen to, and where a psychological assessment can take place. 

WHAT THINGS MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, BUT YOU FIND YOURSELF DOING ANYWAY?

1 Food-
I have struggled with eating for a long time. People tend to assue my problems started in my twenties, as that's when I started gaining weight, but the truth is I've struggled since my teens. I would have weeks where I'd only eat one meal a day, and a week where I'd consistently eat. I never spoke about it, and nobody ever noticed because my body shape never really changed. I'm not sure at exactly which point in my life it got to a point where I lost control. One day I just started not fitting in my clothes anymore, and before I knew it I was a slave to food. The unhappier I was, the more I ate; which made me unhappier. This is where I am at today, stuck in a cycle of both hating and loving food. To say I have an unhealthy relationship with it would be an understatement. I get told often it's a boredom thing, or I'm 'actually thirsty' and that I'm not hungry at all. I try and drink more, I get engaged with things; but that feeling in my stomach and the craving for anything, really, doesn't go away. They say 'only eat when you're hungry' but that's my secret; I'm always hungry. I'm also always ready with a barrage of demeaning thoughts and feelings about myself. I trigger the derogatory comments from my voices, I see my family's faces as they realise I've still not lost any weight, or that I've gained some again. Suddenly, the urge to eat my feelings is back,and we're right back to square one.

2 Naps/Oversleeping-
Sleep is my best friend. I don't think many people sleep as much as I do. The problem is, it's rare for me to ever wake up feeling refreshed from it. I nap because I think it will make me feel better, to wake up feeling worse. I sleep for over ten hours because I'm tired, and yet all day I'll feel like I didn't sleep at all. Sleep is a drug, I find myself needing more and more, and the cost grows higher. Missed appointments, waking up half-way through the day, headaches. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going. Messed up sleep patterns, not eating at the right times of day. It's all or nothing with me.

3 Forgiving people who have hurt me-
I've lost count of the amount of people I've welcomed back with open arms; people who have broken my heart or used me in some way. I see the good in people, I don't like to think people are bad, even when they've shown their true colours I give the benefit of the doubt. I'm a pro at making excuses for people's sh*tty behaviour, and it almost always backfires on me. I hate holding grudges, I hate losing people. If I've walked from you and never looked back; you've crossed a serious line, because it's not really in my nature. The problem is, each time I forgive someone, it takes a part of me. It takes some of my pride, it takes some of my self-worth. Sometimes I think I'm just a doormat to some people. Sometimes I wonder where that anger is, because it never really surfaces. I get mad, I cry, I move on; but where does that feeling go? I find it hard to believe myself when I say I'm cool, but I don't know what else to say. Maybe I really am that shock-absorbent, or maybe one day I'm gonna be on the news because something in me snapped and I killed a tonne of people.. who knows? 🤷

4 Comparisons-
I hate it. It's a pointless and harmful thing to do, comparing yourself to other people. So what if some of your friends are married with great jobs and a great house? So f'ing what if you still live with your parents and struggle to do basic self-maintenance some days? So what if you flunked out of uni twice and you're struggling to find your way in the world? So what if you're pushing 30 and you're a human mountain and feeling like you're going to die alone. Nobody in the world has a perfect life, it doesn't exist. So why am I scrolling through social media wishing to trade mine for somebody else's? Deep down I know that our digital selves are way cooler than our real ones. Deep down I know nobody goes day-to-day looking like their best Instagram photos, and that things can be exaggerated. But I do it, every time, just like everybody else. My life isn't even that bad, but when I'm looking at Hollywood stars with their flawless hair and skin and bodies, and their picture perfect lives, it's hard not to feel inadequate. It's hard not to compare, and hate yourself for a little while. Unfortunately that's how the world spins; the worse you feel about yourself the more people prey on your vulnerabilities and low self-esteem to part you with your cash. 'Buy this make-up, look better.' 'Buy these clothes, look better.' 'Buy these pills, lose weight quicker, look better.'  
Thankfully most days I know better. But even I fall off the wagon sometimes. That's why on my wall is the motto 'comparison is the thief of joy.' Because it is, but I still do it anyway.

                                                             💜

WHAT'S SOMETHING YOU'RE WORKING ON BELIEVING YOU DESERVE?

Love.

I've had so many difficult experiences in relationships and I am starting to question if I'm the problem. I have never cheated, I'm not some kind of stalker and I definitely don't talk about marriage and babies but somehow I manage to either get ignored or, after a while of things going great get friend-zoned or mugged off for someone 'better.'

I'm sick of reading that girls ignore nice guys. I've never once in my life thought 'this guy treats me like crap, I'll definitely give him my number.'

I date guys who compliment me, do nice things for me, that I can laugh and joke and be myself around. It's only usually after I develop feelings that they change into either controlling a-holes or suddenly I'm not good enough anymore.

I know I'm too forgiving, but I also give people my all. I trust, I care for, and I am loyal. 

I'm no comedian but I have a reasonably good sense of humour, and I don't take life too seriously in most cases. I'm passionate, a little opinionated, and have ambition.

Okay, so I'm not ever going to be a model, and my figure could be worked on, but I don't feel I'm asking for too much. I don't expect to fall in love with a millionaire with abs to die for and all the rest. I just want someone who makes me feel good about myself and makes me smile and laugh. Someone I feel I can build a future with; but I find myself doubting each day that this will happen for me. 

I'm so afraid to get back out there and be hurt again or made a fool of. I am sooo not the 'every guy is my ex' girl, but no matter what 'type' of guy I date, they always find a way to let me down. And it's got me wondering if I do this; if I am too much or not enough for anyone.

I'm not actively searching for love, and people say it comes when you least expect it; but that could be any time. I don't expect it. Sometimes I barely even let myself hope it.

HOW CAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK TODAY; MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, OR EMOTIONALLY?

I can stop berating myself for things I had no control of, and stop punishing myself for things I did have control of but are no longer changeable.

The only thing I can change is my present and future self, I can't undo the mistakes I've done, or go back in time and choose different pathways, and I certainly can't erase falling in love with someone who hurt me, or wasn't good for me. I can't go back and prevent certain things happening to me, I can't stop my dad from leaving, I can't reverse the abuse I endured and I can't escape my mental illness.

I can have a day where I just accept that the past was a painful but important lesson and I can appreciate that I'm alive. I can appreciate I'm well-fed, I'm clean with clothes on my back, a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. I can appreciate I have a whole lot of people who love and care for me, and that I don't have to go through the bad days alone anymore.

I can have a day where despite wishing to hide from the world, I will face it head-on and remind it who's boss. I can have a day where I listen to good music, and scribble some thoughts down, and plan for a better day tomorrow; one where I can tell my care-coordinator about the challenges I both face and overcome. I can tell her that while life is a struggle, I'm grateful to have one, and appreciative of all the help I'm being offered.

I can have a day where I smile for the sake of smiling, and breathe in the fresh air, and make my bed so when I get home all sweaty from the gym I can have a refreshing shower and put on fresh pyjamas and get into clean sheets. I can drink lots of water, and use plenty of moisturiser, and put a clear protective varnish on my nails and shape them nicely. I can shove my hair into a 'no fuss bun' as I like to call it because it's only going to get ruined during my workout, and I can have a no make-up day and not care if I look like a troll or not, because who's going to see it?

I can lay here and rest my aching shoulder and apply some ibuprofen gel to it and tap away at the keyboard and know I'm doing all I can to look after myself, and not beat myself up for not going on the walk I told myself yesterday I'd go on. I'm going to watch the bees drift lazily to and from the sunflowers outside my window, and enjoy the slightly cooler breeze floating through it. Maybe tomorrow I can be all hectic but today I'm taking this challenge to heart and taking a break. I probably need it after all the time away from the gym...🏋

HOW ARE YOU MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE?

By 'sticking it to the man' and proudly talking about my mental health in the face of stigma and discrimination.

Over the past two years I've been fighting alongside Time to Change as a Young Champion and challenging stigma and discrimination around mental health.
1 in 4 people every year will struggle with mental illness, but every single person has mental health. 
It's so important for us to look after not only our bodies but our minds, too, and to remind ourselves that it's okay not to be okay sometimes. 

Every time I post something that promotes awareness, every time I share my struggles, my victories, and my in-betweens with regards to my mental illness I am potentially helping someone. Maybe I'm making someone say 'wow, I didn't realise it could be like that' or maybe I'm reaching out to someone who feels the same way and now feels less alienated from society because they're not as alone as they thought they were. 

Every time I speak about, contribute to, or share something my fellow Champions do, I'm helping them reach a broader audience and giving them support is good for their self-esteem, too. I know from experience that it's ever so nice to know what you're doing is appreciated.

I've had so many conversations where someone has said that my willingness to be so open about my struggles has made them feel more confident to speak out about their own. 

I've also spoken to family members who have started asking me the more challenging questions, ones that need to be asked, but perhaps they didn't before feel comfortable asking. 'Do you hear or see things when I'm around you?' shouldn't be something to be afraid to ask. And the answer is yes, I do; but it doesn't make me any less me. 'How would I know how to help you?' is the follow up, and nine times out of ten I would express that I was struggling, take my medication and retreat to a quiet place if possible, or place my earphones in and listen to calming music until the worst subsided. If I could not for whatever reason calm myself down or was exhibiting signs of unsafe behaviours, myself or a trusted person could call the Beacon or the Crisis team, or worst case scenario an ambulance. How is this making the world a better place? If my friends and loved ones know how to handle me in a crisis, and know how to help, they are more likely to have compassion towards, and be able to help, others in need of treatment.

It's also helped others who, whilst understanding I have an invisible illness and supporting me through each stage of my recovery, struggle to see it in others. I recently did filming for Time to Change with a few other Champions and I showed my close family the raw footage; my grandmother was shocked how 'normal' each and every one of us seemed. She said for the first time she really understood that absolutely anyone could be struggling and that you cannot tell just from looking at them. If this can change my grandmother, it has the potential to change someone else's thought processes too; and thus reduce stigma and discrimination.

I may not be doing more than making a few drops in the ocean; but the smallest ripple can change the tide...

WHAT IS ONE CHANGE YOU CAN MAKE TO INCREASE YOUR HAPPINESS?

I'm working on this every day. I'm walking away from negative situations, I'm focusing more on myself.

I'm saying yes to more opportunities, I'm planning for adventures, I'm making my money go on things that will bring positivity to my life instead of things that will be forgotten in a few weeks or even days. 

I'm trying to accept certain people come into your life but are not meant to stay. I'm trying to accept that no matter how you feel, you cannot control the outcome of situations or another person's free will. I'm trying to mourn the life I planned, and find a new one that works for me and not just do what I feel I should do to fit in. I don't fit in, I will never fit in, so I need to instead find a place in the world just for me.

I'm working on my writing. Perhaps I could dedicate a bit more of my time to it, but it's been very hard in this ridiculously unusual hot weather we've been having to hunch over a laptop indoors and not want to have siestas and work on my tan. Genuinely can't recall the last time we had rain. 

I've written the odd poem, I've chosen the list for my book and worked out the chapters, and I've reached out to illustrators; to no avail. I seem stuck and until I figure a way to unlock the door (which I have to do myself, as it's my project) I feel a bit like I've hit the wall. I don't want to get too mixed up in my projects, and the last thing I want to do is shelve it because I am not giving up. I've put too much literal blood sweat and tears into these poems. I've bared my soul onto the pages and I owe it to myself to share the fruit of my labours.

What can I do, really, other than continue with my efforts and perhaps spend a little less time looking back and a bit more time looking to the future. Spend a little more time wondering how to make myself happy, instead of looking to others to do that for me. Learn how to adapt to life in recovery, and how to take those steps into my new life as a woman with mental health but also a woman with a fierce desire to reach the world through her words. A woman who wants to be accepted, but maybe sometimes still needs to work on acceptance. A woman who needs to learn how to be less defensive and more willing to listen. A woman who is finding her feet on uneven ground and slowly realising that not one single human in the world really knows what they are doing. We're all stumbling around trying to stay alive, and we're all making mistakes and each of us has something about ourselves we'd change. Perhaps I struggle with certain social norms and cues and perhaps I feel things deeper than the average human and get caught on spin cycle more often than not but when it comes down to it; we're all just cucumbers with anxiety.

We all are searching for happiness and forgetting to look inwards. We're so busy getting caught up in buying the latest technology, and keeping up with the latest trends, and comparing ourselves to our peers that we're forgetting that we're house plants with more complex emotions. We need sunlight, we need water (both literally and figuratively) and we need nourishment. We need moments to shine; be it at work or in our spare time. We need people to interact with in order for us to learn and develop. We need nurturing, we need to prune the weed-like negative people attempting to suffocate us, and we need space to  breathe and grow.

     

                                                                  

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Living with BPD is like having knives constantly stabbing and twisting in your head. 
It's excruciatingly contradictory. A friend becomes an enemy. The one person you desperately want to talk to, you can't bear to be around. You're terrified of being abandoned and yet crave time alone. You either manage exceptionally, or you crumble into a million pieces. There are extreme highs, and unbelievable lows. Everything is sharper, more intense, raw. There is only black&white, there is no escape, only a terrible and overwhelming loneliness. And yet most of the time, we smile and tell the world we're okay. In some ways we are okay. We're strong, we're survivors. In others we need more understanding and compassion than we ask for because we don't think we deserve it. We're our own worst enemies, we turn our hurt and anger inwards and target ourselves. We want to believe in people, we want to trust them but for one reason or another we can't. Please be patient with us. One thing I can guarantee is we're trying. We're trying so damn hard to be better. 

Also, many people joke about 'the voices in their head' and seeing things but it's not funny. I don't talk about it often, but for me it's a way of life. I'd give anything to hear silence just once, to be able to trust my senses. I'm never alone, I'm never free, I have to work overtime to rummage through what I'm hearing and seeing to make sense of it. I often get headaches or worse, migraines, because whilst I'm battling the effects of anxiety, depression, PTSD and BPD, I'm also constantly filtering out background noise. I'm watching other people react so that when I see things; sometimes horrible, shocking things, I can judge how to react myself. (Example: in Canterbury town see a girl get run down by a car. I gasp- nobody else bats an eye, the car continues at the same pace- no body on the ground. It wasn't real. I sip my tea awkwardly.) It isn't fun to have a running commentary of your day, every day. It isn't fun hearing screaming, yelling, or voices telling you that you should be dead. It isn't fun seeing your bathwater turn to blood, or never really knowing if anything is real. Often asking 'did you hear that?' because you want confirmation whether your brain is playing tricks on you. It's not cute to be ill, it's not fun to have your own mind terrorise you, please don't joke about it.

Having someone in your corner is so important. It doesn't require much- sometimes just knowing someone is there and willing to listen is enough to prevent the isolation and loneliness mental illness can bring. It's not only asking how things are, but asking 'how are you' , and waiting for an honest answer. It's giving space when needed and also breaking isolation by providing a consistent presence we can rely on. Many of us have had experiences that have made trust difficult and we need to know we can depend on you and that you won't abandon us. 

Sometimes, I feel like the colour has drained from the world. I know now that it's only temporary, and I've learned to seek out the beauty in the grey. Tonight, it's a little harsh. Tomorrow, it's a blank canvas to paint.❤

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU INDULGED YOURSELF AND HOW?

My instant thought came to food, but I realise now that my relationship with food isn't healthy. That isn't indulgence, it's a daily battle. It's a vicious cycle of self-hate. A fear of the unknown, or a situation I cannot control, a need to replace the emotion with something (in my case, food) in order to gain control of  an aspect of my life, and then an overwhelming feeling of shame which inevitably leads to me reaching out for my comfort blanket; more food.

My indulgences are actually when I buy an outfit that I actually don't hate myself in, or treat myself to a hair cut, or have a self-pamper day and look after my skin, my nails and my hair. It's when I buy a pair of shoes or some cheap costume jewellery I don't really need but they make me feel pretty. It's when I say 'okay, I don't have much spare cash this week after bills but instead of being sensible and only spending £3 a day, I'm going to blow it all on a day out because memories mean more than staying home like I do every other day.'

They are when I get engrossed in a book and forget about the rest of the world, or when I get carried away with my writing and a hour's gone by and I'm happily in my own world. It's when I treat myself to a midnight viewing cinema ticket to see the film I've waited over a year for and just absolutely have to see it the moment it hits the big screen.

Indulgences aren't necessarily being a glutton and scoffing an extra portion of chips, or having another glass of wine. It's something that you maybe wouldn't otherwise do. It's something you go out of your way to do to make yourself feel better. It's treating yourself.

'I'm not really single, I'm just dating myself. I take me out to eat, I buy me clothes, I love me.'

xoxo

WHAT IS THE MOST LOVING THING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR YOURSELF?

Honestly? I'm not sure.

1.Perhaps it was walking away from a toxic situation even though I knew it would break my heart.
2.Perhaps it was going against every thought and urge in my body to commit suicide and choosing to reach out for help, instead.
3.Perhaps it was going through assessment after assessment in the mental health sector, reliving my most painful memories, and trusting that things would get better.
4.Perhaps it's the simpler things, like listening to my anxiety and giving myself a self-care day. 

I don't know what necessarily counts as loving, but I do know that I've learned to start to put myself first. I'm starting to recognise that it isn't selfish, but necessary. You cannot fill someone else's cup if yours is empty; you must use the overflow to nourish others. It is completely okay if you're feeling overwhelmed to tell a loved one that whilst you always want to support them, you just can't take on their problems at this time. When I was training to be a lifeguard I learned that the most important person in a rescue is yourself; sad as it is, one casualty is better than two.

I was once told a true story about a man whose dog appeared to be struggling whilst swimming in a strong current. Concerned for his dog, the owner went in to rescue him, and immediately came into difficulties. Two on-call policemen went in after him, to no avail. The only survivor was the dog.

It is not wrong to help other people, in fact I highly encourage it. But it is important to do a risk assessment before you, or both of you, drown under the pressure.
'Will this physically or mentally put too much of a strain on me? What else am I currently dealing with? Will this trigger me? How can I help without getting too emotionally involved? Do I know of anyone better equipped to help with this situation?'

Taking care of your basic needs, and your physical and mental health, will always place you in a better position to hep others. 

Procrastination

Hey guys.
I've been struggling to keep up with the challenge, and I thought I'd expand on the why.

It's really easy, as I'm sure you all know too well, to say 'I've got loads of time, I'll do it later.' Then plans change, or later becomes too late, and suddenly you've missed the deadline.

I'm only letting myself down, right? The world won't spontaneously combust if my blog doesn't go live. 

It's such a terrible mindset to get into, because maybe someone was patiently refreshing, hoping for a bit of inspiration that never came. Maybe I'm helping one stranger, one post at a time and they've seen me, like everyone else in their life, as unreliable. Maybe nobody is reading this, and I'm just mindlessly filling up the void of internet space with my ramblings; but I made a promise to myself I was going to do a daily blog and I've broken that promise.

I am Queen of procrastination, of 'just 5 more minutes, and I need to change that if I'm ever going to be able to have anything in my life with meaning.

'If my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy; I deserve nothing more than I get, as nothing I have is truly mine' - Dido

Great song.. powerful meaning. 

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID TO ASK FOR/ WHAT DO YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP ABOUT?

Sometimes I forget to ask for love and respect.

I'm constantly speaking about how people matter, but I forget to include myself on that list. 

I have a history of self neglect and accepting less than I deserve, and I'm determined to make that right.

I owe it to myself to love myself and command respect from those who claim to love me. Respect and loyalty go two ways and I need to remember that when I give mine so freely to people who think so little of me. 

Lastly, I need to accept that these things hurt me, instead of shrugging the slight off and pretending I'm okay. I need to learn to get angry instead of internalising everything and letting it eat away at me. 

WHAT WOULD YOUR YOUNGER SELF BE PROUD OF YOU FOR TODAY?

For speaking out and stepping from under the shadow of the past.

For too long I was afraid to speak about the things I was going through; and it made life very confusing, painful and isolating.

 I fought with my misplaced guilt, and I fought to protect people when I was the one most in need of protecting. 

The younger me would look at the person I've become in awe. I'm so open with my struggles, past and present.

 I'm coming to terms with the things I struggled alone with, and I'm reconnecting with the parts of myself I shut off when I forced myself to repress the trauma I was both too afraid and too young to manage alone. 

I have a way to go, but I'm starting to trust that I can share my problems and that people can handle hearing them. And that's enough for my inner child for today.

Apology

I am afraid to say I forgot to post yesterday! So I will be sharing two posts today. Deepest apologies 😊😊

TAKE A SELFIE AS YOU ARE. FIND SOMETHING TO LOVE ABOUT IT.

Me, ready for the England v Croatia Semi final of the World Cup 2018. Okay, so it's not an England shirt, it's a Liverpool one, and it's not an England flag it's the UK one but.. Henderson plays for Liverpool and England are in the UK so it counts as far as I'm concerned.
I rarely smile in photos. I'm convinced it makes me look awful; but I like this one. I like the optimism in my face, I like the patriotism. I like how I did my make up to make my eyes pop but not enough that in this heat I'm a sweaty mess (thank you BB cream) and I love the idea that FOOTBALL JUST MIGHT BE COMING HOME 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿⚽

WHAT THINGS MAKE YOU HAPPY TO BE ALIVE?

A year ago, this would have been a veeery short list. But I’ve worked very hard on myself and managed to thin the dark cloud of doom that plagued my every waking moment.

I love nature; birdsong, the waves crashing on the beach, the colours of the flowers. I love starry nights and summer days. I love looking up at the moon and feeling connected to everyone around me seeing the exact same moon. I love the soothing feel of rain on my skin when I’m hot or not feeling well. I love a gentle breeze drifting through my open window.

I love writing; I love the flow of my imagination; the release from the bombardment of thoughts and emotions as they begin to make sense on the page. I love the comfort of reading them back to myself, knowing those feelings were real and valid. I love being able to relate to others this way.

I love my family; I love knowing I am never truly alone, even on my darkest days I have so many people to turn to. I love that they love me unconditionally and would do anything to see me safe and happy. They give me the strength to fight even when I want to give up.

I love my crazy friends; their flaws and their uniqueness, the fact they listen to my rants, sit with me when I cry, and go out of their way to make me laugh or smile. But mostly their acceptance that if I’m not myself, that’s okay and they don’t make me feel bad for it or for cancelling plans.

I love music; the way there is something for every mood, a song for every emotion and experience. Lyrics that feel like they were written by your heart; or speak to you through the speaker and either reflect your pain or boost your good mood. It both can heal and comfort, and it can help create a party vibe.

I love books; falling into another world and experiencing someone else’s story is like falling through the pages. You can learn things, you can explore your own experiences, you fall in love with and hate characters. It’s a perfect escape from life.

I love the familiar feeling of a favourite movie, or the excitement of going to see the next instalment of your favourite series. (Marvel fanboys and girls, I hear you)

I love to hate waking up in the morning (okay, laaate morning) because I know I survived another day. When you’ve wanted nothing but to die for so long, suddenly life feels far more precious. 

Most important of all, life itself makes me happy to be alive. Just the fact I get to live it one more day 💗

HOW WOULD YOU LOVINGLY DESCRIBE YOURSELF TO A STRANGER?

I’ve been thinking all morning how I was going to combat this one. Do I write it as a letter, or some form of self-advertisement? In the end I thought I’d just free flow it, and see what happens..

I’m perhaps not that easy on the eye; not ugly exactly, but you wouldn’t necessarily pick me out in a crowd for my looks. But that’s okay, because looks don’t equate to worth, and I feel I have a lot more to offer the world. Am I the smartest? Not by a long shot, but I’m far from stupid, and I get by with the knowledge I have gleaned from my varied education and my life experiences.

So we’ve established I’m not classically beautiful and I’m not the next Einstein. What else is there?

I am loyal. I would go to the ends of the earth for the people I love.

I tell it how it is; I’m brutally honest (maybe a little too honest sometimes) when it comes to laying down my opinion. It might be hurtful at times, but it almost always comes from a place of love. I want people to be the best versions of themselves, and if that outfit makes you look fat; well I’m doing you a service by not allowing you to step out in it. I will also dig the hell out of things you look bomb in too, so I’m not just about pointing out flaws before you all think I’m a negative Nancy.

I choose my friends based on their souls, not the shallow stuff. I don’t care if your weight is giving Shamu a run for her money, or you have a sex dungeon in your house, or if you collect stamps and wear glasses that went out of fashion in the 1940’s. If you have a good soul, and bring positivity to my life, then you’re in. I’m nowhere near perfect enough to judge. I do, however judge attitudes. I’m generally of the rule if you’re nice to me, I’m nice to you. I hate taking sides in other people’s dramas and providing you don’t cross my fairly reasonable morality lines, we’ll get along fine.

I am immensely resilient, and yet I have never let it make me hard or cruel to others. I still see the world as a mostly good place, despite my experiences. I don’t believe people are generally bad; I think a lot of bad things happen, we each have good and bad in us, and sometimes we make bad decisions either as coping mechanisms or out of anger and fear. Does that mean all bad deeds are forgivable? No, but I do believe the people who hate the most are the ones most in need of love.

I may not have a completely selfless heart, but I do have a large one and it is capable of so much love for people. I care more than I let on, and I hurt when I see others hurting. My passion for helping others guides me to write these things, to speak out about my struggles, because if I can help just one person I can rest easy. I know I can’t change the world alone, but if each person I manage to reach out to also reaches out; together maybe we can.

I’m creative. I might not be a pragmatic problem solver, but my brain has a beautiful way of turning a complete muddled up mess of emotions into something that somehow makes perfect sense on a page. I can somehow turn the most painful memories into something raw and real and emotive that not only others can be drawn in to, but that I can be proud of. I can create a glorious world of fiction from my deep and powerful imagination. I can see an empty room and imagine how it could look, I can see an odd clothing garment and find a way to turn it into an outfit when others wouldn’t think twice about throwing it away. It’s all about the accessories..

Writing this actually really helped me to see the good parts in myself that sometimes we overlook. It’s so easy for the world to convince us that if we aren’t models or rocket scientists that we don’t matter; but actually each of us has something unique to offer that makes us special. We just sometimes have to stop looking at the areas we fall short in, and begin to appreciate the areas we excel in. Maybe you haven’t found it yet, your niche. But that’s just more reason to explore and have fun with life. Don’t let the ‘no’ prevent you from finding your ‘yes.’

HOW CAN YOU SET BETTER BOUNDARIES IN YOUR LIFE?

I’ve always both needed and misunderstood boundaries. They’re here to keep us safe, to let us know what’s right or wrong, and to help us understand where we stand with other people.

The basic boundaries such as ‘don’t kill anyone’ are obvious to me; I know it’s not okay to enter someone’s home without permission or jump onto railway lines. These keep me and others safe and prevent me from going to jail, so abiding by these rules/boundaries are easy.

But these aren’t the only kind of boundaries that exist. There are emotional boundaries too. Those are the kind which you must determine for yourself; there are no handbooks or written laws to guide you. These are the types I struggle with. How much is too much when it comes to sharing? Can you be friends with someone, have a fling, and then go back to being friends? What happens when one of those people get into a relationship? Personal boundaries are so important to ensure we are safe mentally.

Unfortunately, I’ve never really been able to set personal boundaries let alone stick to them. I’ve always been easily swayed by others, at a detrimental cost to my emotional wellbeing. I trust far too easily, I see good even when I’ve been shown bad, and I forgive too quickly.

It’s black and white for me, so it’s hard to understand that everyone has their own agendas. If you’re my friend, I’m ride or die for you. If you’re my enemy, nobody will hate you more. If I love you, nobody on this planet will ever love you more, or do more for you. I will never be able to entertain the notion that someone can be my friend and enemy at the same time; despite having evidence on multiple occasions. I know it is a thing, I just don’t understand how.

Because of this, I am incredibly open with my friends and loved ones. I don’t see why I should hide things from them unless it’s something that I’ve been sworn to secrecy or would harm them in some way. This generally means I’ll ‘overshare’ and thus end up providing ammunition for those who turn against me.

It also means that when it comes to being in love, as much as I try and be the cool, no strings attached girl; I’m so not. I can’t compute that hand holding, kissing, and (as Sheldon Cooper would call it) coitus, can equate to still being just friends. To me, friends don’t kiss one another. Friends don’t measure their hands against each other and linger with their fingers entwined whilst cuddling. Those are things that couples do and maybe I’m stupid for assuming that someone who wants to do those things would have feelings for me, but I am not about to change my mind on that. I’m also certain that if someone tells you they want to be with you and then changes their mind that you’re not crazy for being angry and hurt about it.

I know I need to set boundaries around relationships. I know I can’t trust my feelings, or people’s actions, but where does that leave me? Setting a boundary that I never fall in love again is like asking the tides to cease. Refusing to forgive someone is perhaps something I can work on, but I’m all too aware that if nobody gave me multiple chances I might not be here typing this now. People might not change but I do believe they can grow.

I’m aware I need to better protect my heart, but I’m still unsure of the how. I’m going to call this one a work in progress and call it a day.

WHAT IS ONE THING IN YOUR LIFE YOU NEED TO GET RID OF?

Past baggage.

This idea that I must carry every negative thing every step of the way; that I have to base every new decision and judgement on past experiences. I can’t bury the past and I can’t wish it away with a magic lamp, but I don’t have to sling it around my shoulders and wear it everywhere I go either.

I can meet a new person with a fresh slate and not blame them for other people’s misdeeds or assume they will treat me badly because everyone else did. I can believe in what they say and do until they themselves show me differently.

I can smile at a man in a bar and not assume he will think I’m leading him on, I can date without already expecting the worst in men, and I can be open about my mental health without preparing counter-arguments and defence mechanisms.

There’s every chance I’ll be right not to trust anyone, and I’ll get hurt again, but there’s also a chance that I’m wrong and if I don’t allow someone to get close to me I’ll never move past it.

I’ve got to stop seeing my abusers in strangers, my exes in new flames and my past failures in present opportunities.

No, I can’t forget what happened, and I shouldn’t. But I’ve also got to recognise that it’s in the past and those things don’t define me. I need to stop looking for ways to get hurt because if you’re looking; you’ll always, always find it.

WHERE IN YOUR LIFE DO YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND TAKE YOUR TIME?

Love.

When it comes to men, I’m a sucker for a great smile and someone that can make me laugh and feel good about myself. I’m not saying I fall in love with every man, but when I do, I do fast and deeply.

I’m not that crazy girl who photoshops their weddings and children and plans their lives together in the first month or anything, but it doesn’t take long for me to develop feelings. On top of this trait of mine, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so unfortunately for me that comes with feeling things far more intensely than other people do. It also leads to major fears of abandonment, and an unhealthy need to be accepted and loved in return.

I’m not a desperate person, and I’m happy being alone, I don’t spend my days actively seeking a relationship but when I meet someone I can’t control it. I just fall, usually instantly can tell if I like someone or not. The problem is, because it’s so sudden and uncontrollable, often the guy isn’t into me. This leads to a lot of heartbreak and confusion because how can you be friends with someone you’re head over heels for? But at the same time, how do you walk away from someone that makes you feel so great about yourself?

I try every single time to keep it cool, and to not allow myself to hope for anything more, but some men also like to try their luck or like a good flirtation; which I can’t cope with. I can’t handle mixed signals. You want to kiss me, hold my hand and flirt with me but just want to be friends? One of the unhelpful side-effects of BPD is black and white thinking. I can’t comprehend how someone can do everything you would in a relationship ‘but not have feelings.’ You’re either friends, or you’re more.

How does one go about dating in 2018 when everyone says one thing and means another, but you take everything literally? And how do you survive yet another broken heart when someone who you’ve tried multiple times to explain this to, plays you anyway?

It’s hard when the majority of your friends are in long term relationships, married and/or have children (admittedly the latter I could do without) and you don’t even understand how the basics of a mature functioning relationship work.

NAME ONE THING YOU LOVE ABOUT BOTH YOUR BODY AND YOUR PERSONALITY

Body

I love my eyes. I love the ‘sunflower’ effect around the centre, I love that they’re green and rare and that they seem to always reveal how I’m feeling based on the shade of green they reflect. I love that in a sea of brown and blue eyes, I have something unique. I love how through them I see the beauty of the world, that I’m blessed to have them work and have them look awesome, too.

Personality

I struggled more with this one. Not because I don’t love anything about it, but because I couldn’t decide what was most worthy of a mention. There are so many aspects of me that I love, that make up who I am. But when push came to shove; I chose my resilience.

I have been through so many things that have tested me as a person: experienced heartache, abuse, trauma, metal health issues, and yet I’m still standing. I’m currently 9 months without a self-harm incident, and it’s been over a year since my last psychiatric hospital admission. I never gave up, even when I was desperate. I fought tooth and nail to overcome my demons and it’s a fight I face each day to keep control and to remind myself that I can do this; that I matter. There are still unhealthy coping mechanisms I need to overcome, there’s still many battles ahead of me. It’s a fight to the death some days but I’m a survivor, and I wouldn’t bet against me.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR?

The past.

I had a lot of experiences growing up that I didn’t understand, or had no control of, and I’ve spent most of my life blaming myself for them. Telling myself I should have been better, that maybe I allowed it, or that I could have prevented it in some way; but the truth is a child should not have that sort of responsibility.

A child cannot be blamed for a parent neglecting their responsibility to them, or for someone else’s actions towards them. A child cannot be expected to know how to deal with situations that even adults would struggle in.

I was that child; I am that child and I need to forgive myself because it wasn’t my fault. The fall-out after, my spiral in behaviour wasn’t my fault; I didn’t know how to be, how to act, how to feel afterwards. I was so lost, and so afraid and I acted out.

Do I wish I had done things differently? Do I wish I’d seeked help sooner? Yes, but I understand now that I wasn’t ready. I understand that wishing the past could be different is as useful as owning a chocolate teapot.

Secondly, I need to recognise my mental health is not my fault. It is simply a by-product of my environment, of my experiences. It is not my fault that sometimes I feel there is no way out. It is not my fault that my brain doesn’t see things or understand things the way other people do. It is not my fault that I struggle to get a hold of my emotions; I never developed them properly.

I’m not damaged, I just must work harder than some people at times to feel okay. Maybe I’ll never fully recover, but that’s okay. Sometimes just accepting the life we have been given and adapting where possible is enough.

It’s not my fault, and whilst there are days I am constantly needing to remind myself of that fact; I’m starting to believe it. And the heavy weight of the world feels just that little bit lighter for it.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO START SAYING ‘YES’ TO?

Life, adventure, opportunity.

For too long I’ve sat around waiting for something I’ve realised will never happen. I’ve put my life on hold, because I’ve never really been good at letting go of people or things. I’ve never been good at seeing that just because something good didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean something better isn’t waiting around the corner.

For an impulsive person, I need a lot of structure, and change is incredibly difficult for me to handle. This generally means I say no to last-minute plans or opportunities; which I regret. Obviously turning things down for financial or health reasons are fine, but sometimes it’s something that I just panic about or overthink my way out of.

Sometimes I’ve turned down dates because I’m still hung-up on some loser that will never see me the way I want them to or blown off friends to help people that don’t deserve it, because I feel I need their approval in some way. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s something I’m working every day on, but it all stems from a lifetime of lacking self-worth and feeling unworthy. The irony in that, is that the choices people like myself make only further our beliefs; because what decent person would love us, right? It’s a horrible cycle of emotional (sadly for some people also physical) abuse and abandonment which leaves us desperately trying to win them back and ‘be better.’

I need to stop saying ‘yes’ to the wrong people and instead start saying ‘yes’ to the good things in life. The things that I don’t feel stupid about a few days later. The things that bring positivity into my negative mind and force me to doubt myself for the right reasons. Time to break a habit of a lifetime and allow myself the happiness that I’m sure I’ve got coming my way someday.

Saying yes to things and people that remind me that I matter, and that I deserve more that I accept, is another step towards self-love. And as they say, if you can’t love yourself, how can anyone else?

WHAT IS A COMPLIMENT YOU STRUGGLE TO ACCEPT ABOUT YOURSELF?

Any.

I’m extremely uncomfortable when it comes to compliments; I find them unbelievable, perhaps even forced or fake. I’ve always been this way, perhaps it’s because I’ve always seen the things I’ve wished to be in other people. I’ve always compared myself to others, and I’ve perfected the art of putting myself down; because if I say it, it saves me the uncomfortable feeling that everyone is thinking it secretly.

I think the ones I’ve always ignored or laughed off the most is about appearance over personality, but really anything that makes me seem better than I feel is instantly rejected. I feel my friends’ frustration as I disregard their compliments and hold on to the one negative thing.

‘You look fantastic, today’ will convert into me wondering if they usually think I look awful. Otherwise, why are they so surprised, right?

I know I’m not the only one who does this; I’m always hearing men and women putting themselves down in some way or comparing themselves to others. Not only do I know I’m not alone in feeling: inadequate, not smart enough, not successful enough, not attractive enough, not thin enough; I also know how damaging this can be to our self-esteem. Each time we reinforce our own, or somebody else’s belief that we aren’t good enough, we are telling ourselves that we don’t matter. We are telling ourselves that we don’t deserve respect, or love.

It’s not something I’m going to be able to change in a month, but I definitely want to start hearing the good things and allowing them to sit with me instead of instantly dismissing them as lies. Perhaps what they are saying is slightly exaggerated, perhaps they’re only saying it to make me feel better. But if we’re honest, don’t we all desperately want to feel good about ourselves?

So maybe it’s time to let ourselves say ‘okay, bring on the compliments’ every now and again. And even more important than that; lets give ourselves some! 💗