1 Food-
I have struggled with eating for a long time. People tend to assue my problems started in my twenties, as that's when I started gaining weight, but the truth is I've struggled since my teens. I would have weeks where I'd only eat one meal a day, and a week where I'd consistently eat. I never spoke about it, and nobody ever noticed because my body shape never really changed. I'm not sure at exactly which point in my life it got to a point where I lost control. One day I just started not fitting in my clothes anymore, and before I knew it I was a slave to food. The unhappier I was, the more I ate; which made me unhappier. This is where I am at today, stuck in a cycle of both hating and loving food. To say I have an unhealthy relationship with it would be an understatement. I get told often it's a boredom thing, or I'm 'actually thirsty' and that I'm not hungry at all. I try and drink more, I get engaged with things; but that feeling in my stomach and the craving for anything, really, doesn't go away. They say 'only eat when you're hungry' but that's my secret; I'm always hungry. I'm also always ready with a barrage of demeaning thoughts and feelings about myself. I trigger the derogatory comments from my voices, I see my family's faces as they realise I've still not lost any weight, or that I've gained some again. Suddenly, the urge to eat my feelings is back,and we're right back to square one.
2 Naps/Oversleeping-
Sleep is my best friend. I don't think many people sleep as much as I do. The problem is, it's rare for me to ever wake up feeling refreshed from it. I nap because I think it will make me feel better, to wake up feeling worse. I sleep for over ten hours because I'm tired, and yet all day I'll feel like I didn't sleep at all. Sleep is a drug, I find myself needing more and more, and the cost grows higher. Missed appointments, waking up half-way through the day, headaches. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going. Messed up sleep patterns, not eating at the right times of day. It's all or nothing with me.
3 Forgiving people who have hurt me-
I've lost count of the amount of people I've welcomed back with open arms; people who have broken my heart or used me in some way. I see the good in people, I don't like to think people are bad, even when they've shown their true colours I give the benefit of the doubt. I'm a pro at making excuses for people's sh*tty behaviour, and it almost always backfires on me. I hate holding grudges, I hate losing people. If I've walked from you and never looked back; you've crossed a serious line, because it's not really in my nature. The problem is, each time I forgive someone, it takes a part of me. It takes some of my pride, it takes some of my self-worth. Sometimes I think I'm just a doormat to some people. Sometimes I wonder where that anger is, because it never really surfaces. I get mad, I cry, I move on; but where does that feeling go? I find it hard to believe myself when I say I'm cool, but I don't know what else to say. Maybe I really am that shock-absorbent, or maybe one day I'm gonna be on the news because something in me snapped and I killed a tonne of people.. who knows? 🤷
4 Comparisons-
I hate it. It's a pointless and harmful thing to do, comparing yourself to other people. So what if some of your friends are married with great jobs and a great house? So f'ing what if you still live with your parents and struggle to do basic self-maintenance some days? So what if you flunked out of uni twice and you're struggling to find your way in the world? So what if you're pushing 30 and you're a human mountain and feeling like you're going to die alone. Nobody in the world has a perfect life, it doesn't exist. So why am I scrolling through social media wishing to trade mine for somebody else's? Deep down I know that our digital selves are way cooler than our real ones. Deep down I know nobody goes day-to-day looking like their best Instagram photos, and that things can be exaggerated. But I do it, every time, just like everybody else. My life isn't even that bad, but when I'm looking at Hollywood stars with their flawless hair and skin and bodies, and their picture perfect lives, it's hard not to feel inadequate. It's hard not to compare, and hate yourself for a little while. Unfortunately that's how the world spins; the worse you feel about yourself the more people prey on your vulnerabilities and low self-esteem to part you with your cash. 'Buy this make-up, look better.' 'Buy these clothes, look better.' 'Buy these pills, lose weight quicker, look better.'
Thankfully most days I know better. But even I fall off the wagon sometimes. That's why on my wall is the motto 'comparison is the thief of joy.' Because it is, but I still do it anyway.
💜
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