Life, adventure, opportunity.
For too long I’ve sat around waiting for something I’ve
realised will never happen. I’ve put my life on hold, because I’ve never really
been good at letting go of people or things. I’ve never been good at seeing
that just because something good didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean something
better isn’t waiting around the corner.
For an impulsive person, I need a lot of structure, and
change is incredibly difficult for me to handle. This generally means I say no
to last-minute plans or opportunities; which I regret. Obviously turning things
down for financial or health reasons are fine, but sometimes it’s something
that I just panic about or overthink my way out of.
Sometimes I’ve turned down dates because I’m still hung-up
on some loser that will never see me the way I want them to or blown off
friends to help people that don’t deserve it, because I feel I need their
approval in some way. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s something I’m
working every day on, but it all stems from a lifetime of lacking self-worth
and feeling unworthy. The irony in that, is that the choices people like myself
make only further our beliefs; because what decent person would love us, right?
It’s a horrible cycle of emotional (sadly for some people also physical) abuse
and abandonment which leaves us desperately trying to win them back and ‘be
better.’
I need to stop saying ‘yes’ to the wrong people and instead start
saying ‘yes’ to the good things in life. The things that I don’t feel stupid
about a few days later. The things that bring positivity into my negative mind and
force me to doubt myself for the right reasons.
Time to break a habit of a lifetime and allow myself the happiness that I’m sure I’ve got coming my way someday.
Saying yes to things and people that remind me that I
matter, and that I deserve more that I accept, is another step towards self-love.
And as they say, if you can’t love yourself, how can anyone else?
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