HOW CAN YOU SET BETTER BOUNDARIES IN YOUR LIFE?

I’ve always both needed and misunderstood boundaries. They’re here to keep us safe, to let us know what’s right or wrong, and to help us understand where we stand with other people.

The basic boundaries such as ‘don’t kill anyone’ are obvious to me; I know it’s not okay to enter someone’s home without permission or jump onto railway lines. These keep me and others safe and prevent me from going to jail, so abiding by these rules/boundaries are easy.

But these aren’t the only kind of boundaries that exist. There are emotional boundaries too. Those are the kind which you must determine for yourself; there are no handbooks or written laws to guide you. These are the types I struggle with. How much is too much when it comes to sharing? Can you be friends with someone, have a fling, and then go back to being friends? What happens when one of those people get into a relationship? Personal boundaries are so important to ensure we are safe mentally.

Unfortunately, I’ve never really been able to set personal boundaries let alone stick to them. I’ve always been easily swayed by others, at a detrimental cost to my emotional wellbeing. I trust far too easily, I see good even when I’ve been shown bad, and I forgive too quickly.

It’s black and white for me, so it’s hard to understand that everyone has their own agendas. If you’re my friend, I’m ride or die for you. If you’re my enemy, nobody will hate you more. If I love you, nobody on this planet will ever love you more, or do more for you. I will never be able to entertain the notion that someone can be my friend and enemy at the same time; despite having evidence on multiple occasions. I know it is a thing, I just don’t understand how.

Because of this, I am incredibly open with my friends and loved ones. I don’t see why I should hide things from them unless it’s something that I’ve been sworn to secrecy or would harm them in some way. This generally means I’ll ‘overshare’ and thus end up providing ammunition for those who turn against me.

It also means that when it comes to being in love, as much as I try and be the cool, no strings attached girl; I’m so not. I can’t compute that hand holding, kissing, and (as Sheldon Cooper would call it) coitus, can equate to still being just friends. To me, friends don’t kiss one another. Friends don’t measure their hands against each other and linger with their fingers entwined whilst cuddling. Those are things that couples do and maybe I’m stupid for assuming that someone who wants to do those things would have feelings for me, but I am not about to change my mind on that. I’m also certain that if someone tells you they want to be with you and then changes their mind that you’re not crazy for being angry and hurt about it.

I know I need to set boundaries around relationships. I know I can’t trust my feelings, or people’s actions, but where does that leave me? Setting a boundary that I never fall in love again is like asking the tides to cease. Refusing to forgive someone is perhaps something I can work on, but I’m all too aware that if nobody gave me multiple chances I might not be here typing this now. People might not change but I do believe they can grow.

I’m aware I need to better protect my heart, but I’m still unsure of the how. I’m going to call this one a work in progress and call it a day.