Lightbulb Moments

You ever get that moment in life where a sort of light comes on in your head? 

Perhaps there's been a little irritating blinking light in the back of your mind for a while, but you've ignored it because you don't quite understand it's importance or you are in denial about what that means for you so you carry on pretending you don't see it; maybe you even convince yourself it isn't there.

Life carries on, things escalate in one way or another; generally for the worse and you can't put your finger on the reason why. Is it the people involved's fault, was it a cruel twist of fate, did you do this?
It torments you, even as you move on and rebuild. Then one day it's like an eruption of light. 

You realise you've been trying to force something that was never meant to be. A job, a relationship, a friendship; whatever it was, it was either never meant to happen or it wasn't meant to last. You realise that it isn't anybody's fault. You are good enough, you are worthy, you're just trying to stick a round peg in a square hole and the more you try to force it the more fractured the peg becomes, or the hole widens; either way it's making it harder when you finally find the right pieces. 

It feels like you betrayed yourself by ignoring that niggling little warning sign, but it's not a inherently bad thing to have hope or to believe in something good. The worst you can accuse yourself of is naivety. You can brush yourself off and give yourself some credit for trying.

Then you can grieve the loss of whatever you desperately wanted, max out on self-care, and in time move forward.

I'm not sure I'm ready to move on just yet; but I've loosened my grip and I'm letting go starting now.
Things are going to be confusing and maybe lonely for a while, but I'm figuring it out one step at a time.

DO SOMETHING TODAY THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PUTTING OFF FOR A WHILE

A few things would have qualified; but after yesterday the only thing that made sense was me getting back to work on my book. 

I got my chores under control, I allowed myself a little lie-in because I woke up kinda tired, and then I sat down about an hour ago. Just under a thousand words later I'm having a lunch break, boiling up some eggs, and just did a read-through. Few tweaks made, but overall I was so pleased with it. It feels so good to have a flow again. When it's forced, it reads forced. If the author isn't feeling it; how can the reader? How can you expect them to choke on the fumes and feel the heat of the fire if you just go 'it was hot.' 
Words have to be more powerful because you don't have the visual aids a movie or television show have. A reader doesn't know what they see or feel unless you describe it. Is it simply cold, or is it icy, biting cold that catches in your throat and stings your cheekbones and reddens your nose?

It's my first attempt at such a large feat, but I'm awfully glad I pushed myself to get back on the saddle today.

What have you guys been putting off? 
Take a deep breath and, if you can, rip off the proverbial band aid. Today is never too late to start again, and tomorrow you might wish you'd started today.

Inspiration

Today something sparked inside of me I'd forgotten I had; passion.

Talking about potentially doing something that gets my creative side flowing, a chance to share a part of myself with others and have the chance to ignite a passion in others.

It might not occur, absolutely nothing could come from this, but in a way it already did.
It reminded me that not everything is dark and gloomy inside my head. Somewhere I have a tonne of glorious passion and ideas and inspiration. I pitched a course right off the top of my head to someone, and there was no time for overthinking or worrying; it was just me and this glorious feeling that I could actually do this. 

I felt truly alive, I felt like for the first time in such a long time that there was a glimmer of purpose to my life. That I wasn't completely lost and hopeless. More importantly that I made someone, even for a moment, believe in my ability to do it. Not a friend, not family; a professional with experience.

Even though I'm tired, in pain and preparing my soothing music for when I'm a teeny bit on edge when the night comes, I feel inspired. Tonight, I feel like perhaps this is the beginning of a new adventure. I experienced a moment of metanoia; not repentance as the New Testament (perhaps wrongly) translates, and not in a spiritual way; but in the sense that I felt my journey change course. 

It's foggy, and I only have the stars for a guide; but one way or another this ship's heading out of port and preparing for the unknown.

If it fails, at least I'll have something new to write about.. 🙃

Firsts

People talk a lot about 'firsts' in life.

First kiss.

First date.

First love.

First time

First heartbreak.. etc


And I love hearing about them. Honestly. I like hearing cute stories about how nervous they were, or how awkward it was. 

Unfortunately it also makes me feel sad, because some of those were taken from me. Sure, I've fallen in love, got my heart broken, and I've been on good and awful dates. But there are some things that a girl holds sacred. 
When I was in school I had to create a fake ex boyfriend because I couldn't tell my girl pals the truth when we all talked about it and I had to work out how to explain to my first proper boyfriend how he wasn't my first, even though I wanted him to be.
I've come to terms with these facts, and I'm not ashamed of what I've been through.
Part of me will always resent that I lost a rite of passage but the other part of me knows it's made every other first that extra bit special.
I get to have the first time I realised it wasn't my fault. The first day I smiled again. The first day I trusted men again. The first day I looked in a mirror and didn't completely hate the girl looking back at me. The first time I realised I was worthy of love.

And even better; I have a lot of firsts still left for me. 

So to all you out there who had a first taken from you, you're not alone. If talking about your first time is more upsetting than awkward or more sinister than regret; here's to you. I hope you all find someone who takes your breath away and makes you feel new again. Mostly, I hope you heal and love yourselves. I'm certainly learning to.

Mistakes

I'm not perfect, but I do know how to apologise when I'm wrong; even if I don't always see it until it's too late.

So here it is: I'm sorry for not seeing that I've gone from one destructive behaviour to another, and I'm sorry that I can't see how to move forward without losing my connection to the world and not sacrificing half a week to do so. I'm also sorry that it then leads to me depending on everyone else to keep me afloat while I flail hopelessly around in my mind, finding nothing but pain and sadness. It's not my intention, I never think of consequences and I'm too much of a dreamer and a optimist to ever think I will be fine this time, but it is selfish of me and I am sorry for that.

I think everyone who knows me well enough knows by now that for me alcohol isn't only a depressant, but that late nights and alcohol do something to me that goes beyond a hangover and sort of fries my emotions for a few days, strangely about two days after the fact.

Here's the conundrum. The problem I have with just walking away is that I'm afraid of change. Mostly I'm afraid if I stay home that people will move on with their lives without me; and that terrifies me because I'm lonely. I should trust that my friends would make time for me in other ways, and that perhaps I'd find new ones who don't share my destructive habits, but they are all I've got. I have my family, of course; but sometimes you need support and approval from people who aren't genetically programmed to love you. 

However, I'm also afraid that I'm going to end up dead, or setting back my progress one Cuban at a time. The thing about being a super strong person, the thing nobody talks about, is that you also know how weak you can be. You've seen yourself at breaking point and it's terrifying to think you could go back to that. I live in fear that today is going to be the day I lose it and maybe I won't get myself back this time. 

I know that whilst I carry on this live fast, be half dead all week nonsense I'm inviting the demons to come out to play. I'm not a stupid woman, even if my actions sometimes make even me question it. Sometimes I feel like an alien in my own body, sometimes I just want to forget how awful things feel and be surrounded with other people who don't really like themselves and drink themselves into denial. It's awful when you say it as it is; but facts are facts. 
To clarify, I'm not saying all my friends hate themselves- in fact they might all read this and think 'hey, don't apply your issues to my life' but in reality most happy late-20's/early 30-year olds don't tend to live for the weekend so they can feel a bit more sane. They might not do it consciously, I certainly don't sit there like 'right, Saturday night is here, let's drown myself in alcohol and try and act like I don't hate myself or my life' but it doesn't make it any less true. The reasons will differ, but the result is the same.

It doesn't work though. Sure, I might have a good laugh and get some nice photos and make memories. But I also have to endure the hangovers, possible (and highly likely) injuries, and fall outs from whatever inevitable drama that seems to circle everywhere. Something has got to change, I've got to change, and it scares the living hell out of me. But after all, Albert Einstein was a bit of a clever clogs and he apparently left a nugget of wisdom (and a load of stuff about gravity) behind when he passed away:

'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.'

READ SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

Yesterday I read lots of things, because I was tired and had nothing better to do.

I read a few more chapters of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

I read silly riddles and thought of the fun I'd have asking them to my Nan; she's terrible at them.

I skimmed through a old book of extracts and short stories from my childhood including:
The Worst Witch
The Happy Prince
Charlotte's Web
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Reading is something that really helps me get out of my head and allows me to fall through the pages into a whole other world full of adventure with no troubles; except wondering if the hero/heroine will prevail and how, when the odds are so stacked against them.

Reading children's fantasy books isn't the only things I enjoy, I do love reading Stephen King novels for example, but when my head is feeling bad or I just want a bit of comfort then a cherished book from old times that I've read cover to cover more than I can count really just helps.

📚

Patchwork Quilt

I am a patchwork quilt.
I have been stitched together with love, torn by heartache.
Each piece of me is taken from places I've been, people I've met, songs that have healed me, stories that have touched my soul, jokes that have warmed me, and tears I've feared would drown me. 
Every experience has added to my vibrancy, my unique patterning.
I have wear and tear, I have newer pieces sewn in that have patched up where I have been neglected or manhandled by others, but this only adds to my character. 
I am worthless to many, and priceless to some.
I am capable of giving great comfort; and despite my ability to survive hardships, I am still soft to the touch. 
I am a work of art.
I cannot be remade in the exact same way; and this makes me irreplaceable to the world.

CHOOSE AN AFFIRMATION FOR TODAY AND REPEAT IT TO YOURSELF. PRACTICE POSITIVE SELF-TALK

'Everything will be okay'

I needed someone to tell me this today.

Not only that, I needed support from a trusted source and I was let down; so I told myself. 
I told myself over and over and over again since I opened my eyes this morning; hell, I've been telling myself my entire life. One day it would be really nice not to have to rely on myself.

I told myself I believe it, I told myself that I've survived everything so far and that I'll be sat here in a few weeks thinking how silly I've been for panicking about things that will most likely amount to nothing.

I reminded myself of all the times I've thought things couldn't get better, or that things were going to turn out terribly wrong and then I rallied myself, and it was fine in the end. I chatted to friends and family and I ignored that niggling self-doubt by yelling (internally) affirmations to myself to drown it out. And life continued, as it should.

After all, they say:

'everything will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not yet the end.'

CHECK IN WITH HOW YOU'RE FEELING TODAY; ACT ACCORDINGLY

Today, I think I'm all 'happied' out. 

I'm exhausted, but for once not mentally but physically. I've gone from barely leaving my bedroom to 3 or 4 days of full-on socialising. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open and it's not even dinner time yet! 😴

I'm in a good place, I have no regrets, and I think if I rest up this evening (sorry gym, I'll see you again soon I promise)  I'll be prepared for what the rest of the week has to offer me. It didn't help I was in and out of consciousness all night because: I was hot, cold, thirsty, needed the toilet, kept thinking of weird things, back hurt, neck ached, arm went numb.. you name it, it annoyed me.

I don't cope well on limited sleep, nor am I good at adjusting. I always go from zero to full-on and it never ends well; just glad I didn't add crazy drunken nights to the equation or my mood would probably be suffering too.

I've allowed myself a little browse on the net for fairy queen inspiration today; yep, 3 month countdown to my birthday... (88 days) and I never do anything fun so I've decided I'm not getting any younger and to just be completely silly this year. Glitter, face gems.. let's get fabulous! Will be sporadically ordering things in the upcoming weeks.. fun! Other than that, and a pointless trip to the doctors earlier, I've really limited myself on doing anything. I needed a restorative day, maybe two depending on how well I sleep tonight and how I wake up.

For now, it's time to accept how tired I am, get into my pyjamas, crawl under the duvet and pop some relaxing music on.

Sleep is calling...🛌💤

WHAT LESSONS HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES?

1. I'm not crazy, or a bad person, I'm ill.

For the longest time I was afraid if I spoke about how I was feeling and the experiences I was having that I would be locked up or that people would treat me differently. I thought that my impulsive and destructive behaviours were a result of me being a bad person; even though I didn't mean to do the things I was doing or really understand what was happening. 
Now I've been diagnosed and understand my illness, and myself, better I know that I wasn't a bad person; I was just dealing badly with what life handed me. I lacked the tools to cope with my illness and the situations I'd been unfortunate enough to experience.

2. Unconditional love is real.

Due to early experiences and being the victim of emotional blackmail amongst other things, I believed growing up that if I did anything too wrong, everyone would leave me. This led to my abandonment issues and my need to keep things to myself even though in hindsight it was the worse thing I could do. 
Whilst going through my psychotic breakdown was traumatic for all involved, seeing the support from my family, especially my step-dad, made me realise that they weren't going anywhere and that love really doesn't have to be earned nor can it be taken from you if you mess up.

3. There are reasons why I've always felt different, angry, and confused.

I always felt in school that I didn't fit in anywhere. I bounced from group to group because whereas all the other teens seemed to know what they liked and had a sense of style that reflected this; I never really was sure where I belonged. This led to me trying too hard and never feeling accepted or like I fit in which didn't help with my sense of self or self-esteem.
Now, I'm still not entirely sure of where I belong or what I like but I understand this is due to my developmental issues and I'm learning to accept that this is who I am and I don't try to join groups anymore.

4. I'm still me, I am not my illness.

I thought that having a label would define me as a person, but it didn't. I realised it actually helped me understand my actions, impulses and emotions and realise that the reason I've been struggling wasn't my fault and things really were just harder for me to understand and process.



5. It's absolutely okay and justifiable for me to be upset if someone uses stigma or discriminates against me due to my illness, and I can and should fight against it.

Time to Change taught me that many things I'd accepted from people were absolutely not okay, and I had the right to challenge them. Whilst I couldn't go back in time to change these things, it's made me more aware of the fact my illness does not make me unworthy of respect or empathy. I don't have to apologise for feeling unwell or not being able to manage as well as others.

6. I don't have to go through everything alone.

It's still something I do struggle with, as it's my nature to be self-reliant, but I'm learning to reach out and it's been fruitful. It's been so nice to share what's on my mind and have the benefit of shared experience and other perspectives which can help calm me down and broadens my options for solutions.

7. I'm incredibly resilient.

I've survived 100% of what life has thrown at me. Every time I've thought I couldn't cope, every time I've thought I'd not get through this I have. This is leading me to believe I may be a superhero.

8. To never take anyone's life at face value ever again.

Nobody knew growing up the horrors I was enduring, and that's the point. None of us know what anyone is struggling with, you can't see all disabilities and you don't know who is on the verge of breaking down. It's easy to look at someone's social media and be jealous, but there's a very high chance their reality is very different.

9. To reach out more to others and listen out for signs that they need support.

Due to knowing how it is to put on a front, I now don't leave things at 'I'm fine' and if they aren't themselves I let them know I'm here if they need a friend. They don't always take me up on it, but I'd like to think they would if it could.

10. It's not the end. There's so much more I've yet to experience and learn. 

I've not lost my life by becoming ill. I've just got to find a new path and I'm excited to see what my future holds. I've had moments where I wasn't sure I was going to have a future. The world is my hypothetical oyster...

TAKE A SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK FOR THE DAY AND FOCUS ON LIFE AROUND YOU

The last few days I've practically taken a mini life break. Yesterday was the first day I felt myself again, and I've taken full advantage of it.

Yesterday I went and saw a friend I met during my time at the Ash Eton Personality Disorder Unit and we had a chat about the good and the not so good, and it was nice to be reminded I'm not alone; we've both come tremendously far and are doing great things, but she struggles too sometimes. We all do, I know that. But it's nice to see someone who went on such an intimate journey with you, tell you not to 'suck it up' but to remind yourself how far you've come and not to sweat the small stuff too much.

I then reconnected with almost everyone I've been ghosting on social media and we hung out, we were silly, we laughed about the little things and we took both flattering and purposely unflattering selfies and it was glorious.

As this was technically yesterday's challenge, I left it blank in homage to the 'social media break' I was having, and the necessity to focus on the important things. Okay, I may have posted a few bomb selfies on Insta of my evening make-up; but it's not often I feel I really look good so I feel like that's allowed..right?

Today I've barely been online because I've been busy with my beautiful family. Having lunch, shopping, chilling (napping,) cooking dinner together.. it's been wonderful. Tomorrow I've more of the same as it's my nan's birthday. We'll all be assembling in the evening to wish her a very happy birthday but as I know she will read this tomorrow I'll add it now;

'A very happy birthday to my biggest supporter and one of my best friends. Words will never express what you mean to me, or how grateful I am to call you family; they truly broke the mould when they made you. I hope you have a blessed day and I look forward to celebrating with you later.'

Despite my struggles, I know how lucky I am to live the life I live. We're nothing without our supporters, whomever they happen to be. I'm truly blessed that I have such a strong and loving family behind me, as well as a handful of true friends who I can always count on. They can't always promise to put a smile on my face or make things feel better; but they can and do promise to always be there to listen and to remind me I'm not alone. They understand that when things are tough I go underground, and they will pop up to say that they're not going to hassle me but they will remind me that they are thinking of me and will do what they can to help; whether it's sending me silly GIFs and memes, or coming to sit up with me at 11pm when nobody is home and I don't feel safe. 

The world, when it isn't kicking my behind, is a pretty beautiful place. I'm going to enjoy more of the life I was given tomorrow.. After a much-needed good night's sleep. And for all of you who are down, those of you on the brink of recovery, or anyone feeling like your scars from the journey are something to be ashamed of; this ↓ is for you. You've lived. And my gosh, you're not nearly done living yet.

The Fight

This one is for those who, like me, feel like they've done enough fighting.

Those of us who are just so weak from being strong, so sick of being unwell, so tired of being exhausted.

There's no perfect life but we're not asking for that. We just want a break from our minds. 

I honestly don't recall what silence is. I've not had a moment of peace and quiet since 2015.

People with children will be thinking 'now you know how we feel' but children sleep, they go out to play, they go to nursery and school; there are moments, however small, where you don't have to hear them. You can even perhaps get a babysitter to have a night away from them.

I can't put my voices down for a nap, I can't say 'sorry, anxiety, go bother someone else for ten minutes,' nor can I pack my racing thoughts into a overnight bag and ship it to a grandparent's for the evening. For the record I'm not saying parenting isn't hard, I'm just saying there are moments of peace and enjoyment that go along with it. Even if it's more hell than peace.

I can be at my most relaxed: melodic music, soaking away in a bubble bath with my sensory underwater bath lights on, face mask applied; and yet I've still got someone whispering (at best) to do horrible things to myself, or that I'm not worthy, or anything else that could ruin my vibe. 

I resist the urge to harm myself because it's awful to think I could do that to my own body, I force myself out of bed because I am afraid one day I'll never get out of it, and I get out and place myself in social situations because as much as it makes me uncomfortable; I am terrified of being alone.

Everything is a forced action, I rarely make a sporadic choice unless I'm in my manic state and then I tend to make horrible choices like buy the entirety of aisle 4 and go online shopping with the money I don't really have. 'Treated myself to a new bag, new trainers.. oops got paid today and now I have to wait 2 weeks because I spent it all but yay, paid my bills so that's an improvement.. right?'

^ this didn't actually happen,but you get the gist.

Change is my enemy, but so is being in a rut like I feel I am currently. If you could successfully navigate the minefield of adulthood by throwing a dice each time instead of making real, responsible and sensible decisions, I'd still be screwed because I'd be like but what if 5 is wrong!?

I'm a doubter. I'm like the kid from the Polar Express who doesn't hear the bells ring because he doesn't believe. Except it's not Santa I don't believe in, it's myself. I want to, I try to; but faith isn't something that comes naturally to me. Hope isn't a word that sits well with me; to me having hope is a dangerous thing because it gives you the opportunity to be let down.

I no longer hope that I'll get better, I just applaud myself for making it through another day, and I take the good days as a bonus. There's magic in the little things, when you stop searching for major miracles you start to appreciate the every day ones. So I'm never going to be a lawyer or a doctor, or invent something that will change the world as we know it. I'm never going to win a Nobel prize or a Oscar. But I deserve at least a gold star for smiling today. And I shall remind myself that emotions are never permanent. They might stay for a long while, but eventually they have no choice but to move out.

CREATE A SACRED SPACE FOR YOURSELF

I feel I have accomplished this in my room; I had it redecorated last year. 

It's a calming, deep purple colour with light wooden furniture, a beige carpet and white frames and shelves to keep it from being overwhelming. On the walls I have a giant picture frame with pictures of my loved ones and inspirational or motivational quotes in it, a Harry Potter framed quote, and in my little floating cube shelves I have Lego figures of Harry Potter characters. 

On my chest of drawers I have another Harry Potter framed quote, a little photo holder with a old photograph of me and the family dogs from about 23 years ago, and another frame with a picture of my nephew inside it. 

Above my bed, hanging over my stained glass window I have a dream-catcher, and a little plaque which was a gift from my sister, reminding me to make today a better day. 

I chose my bedding to match my room, purples and whites; and they seem to feature feathers, which to me are calming.

My TV is set up with Netflix and Now TV so I can binge-watch films and shows from my bed, my decorative cushions prop me up so I'm all cosy and they give my room an added touch when I'm not using them. 

My room is my sanctuary, my safe place. It's filled with positivity, it has things to grab your eye without being too cluttered, the colour scheme isn't too bold or too bright or too dark; in fact as soon as I find a lampshade I like, it will be perfect. 

Tonight I ventured into the front room with my duvet and watched Harry Potter in there, which made a nice change. But now I'm safely back in my bed and about to log off and hopefully visit the land of nod.

'For in dreams we enter a wold that is entirely our own. Let them swim in the deepest ocean, or glide over the highest cloud' - Albus Dumbledore

Lost

It's dark today.
The world's colours have lost their brightness, everything is duller and foggy.
I've cried, I've slept, I've fought so hard to resist my old coping method of self-harm. I've had flashbacks, and I've been feeling the urges I thought I had left behind.
I haven't felt this low in a while and it scared me this morning. For a moment I forgot how far I'd come, I forgot how well I've been rebuilding. Then my survival instincts kicked in. I forced myself to get up, to get dressed, to do the things I do every day because today wasn't going to be the day I forgot myself. Today wasn't going to beat me.
I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm feeling incredibly lost. But for today at least, I'm me.
It may feel like I'm losing; but I haven't lost yet. I won't lose, I can't lose, unless I give up fighting. 

Not today, satan...

IF YOUR INBOX IS CRAZY FULL, AND SPAM EMAILS GET YOU ANXIOUS, GO ON AN UNSUBSCRIBE SPREE

I'm actually probably the most organised when it comes to inboxes. I regularly delete my incoming emails, unless i need to retain them of course; and every now again i delete my entire Facebook messenger and my SMS inbox, as well as my WhatsApp inbox too. This is because the list seems untidy and honestly it just overwhelms me after a while.

I don't mind getting certain emails about deals because sometimes you find something that makes a perfect gift, or a discount on something I was planning to buy, but I often find myself unsubscribing from companies that I've bought a one-off product from and yet they constantly bombard you with promotional emails.

I actually get anxious when I see other people's inboxes showing something like '1273 unread emails' and I'm like HOW have you got into this mess??

I once had a friend allow me to delete all of them.. It was so satisfying.

I do the same with followers or Facebook friends. Generally if we haven't spoken in over a year, and we're not family, you're gone. It's not usually personal, it's just you become a lingering email in my mind and it bothers me. Also, if you don't bring anything positive to my life, you're gone. A nice cull is really a relief for me. It honestly makes me feel refreshed and calmer knowing things are in order.

The best thing you can learn in life is that you don't need people in your life. If it's toxic, whether a family member or partner or friend; let it go. We're privileged to be part of people's worlds. It is not a entitlement.

IF YOU'RE FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR LACK OF 'SPOONS' OR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH- PRACTISE RADICAL SELF-COMPASSION TODAY. IT'S EASY TO GET FRUSTRATED SOMETIMES

I admit it; I had to google what on earth that meant. I expect none of you will, either so here it is, copied and pasted directly from the web: 

'The spoon theory is a disability metaphor and neologism used to explain the reduced amount of energy available for activities of living and productive tasks that may result from disability or chronic illness. ... A person who runs out of spoons has no choice but to rest until their spoons are replenished.'

Admittedly, it made a fraction of sense as I've often felt a sandwich short of a picnic when I'm having a down day. Only apparently instead I should be saying I'm spoons short of cutlery..⁇😐

Anyway, moving on from the weird title...

Today I still wasn't feeling my usual self. And it's frustrating not being yourself, not feeling in control of your mind, wanting to be bubbly and confident and getting on with things but instead being this half-numb, shell-shocked version that looks and sounds like you, but it doesn't feel like you. Even on slightly better days such as today you hear yourself laughing and you feel your mouth turn up into a smile; but it doesn't meet your eyes, it doesn't feel warm inside. Inside you're screaming. You're writhing in a skin that's yours and yet feels alien and cold. And you're saying you're fine but mostly because you dont know how to explain to someone that not only do you have multiple voices screaming derogatory and demeaning things about you constantly, but you also feel like your body has been replaced, or that someone performed a lobotomy in my sleep and locked me out of the control centre of my brain.

But I called my wonderful grandmother who I can always rely on to be there when I need her. I followed through with my plans to cook and bake, and whilst I had her by my side, I reminded myself I was worthy; she thought I was worth spending time with. My auntie, who invited me to spend time with her tomorrow because she heard I wasn't feeling great, thinks I'm worth spending time with. Not only that, I must have felt worthy because I asked for help. I reached out and told my mum I was struggling, and then I reached out again when I didn't want to be alone. I avoided self-harm, I kept myself as sane as I could, and I am here to tell you about it so whilst it's frustrating and painful, I'm so proud of myself. I actually spoke to my nan about my self-harm scars and how far I've come from being completely psychotic and suicidal 3 years ago to at least mildly managing today.

So as much as the last two days have been hell, I've been through way tougher and way more harmful days and so I'm not going to beat myself up for having a relapse. It happens to the best of us. And as I struggle to sleep one more night, as my thoughts consume me and the isolation closes in, I will remember that I am a warrior. A survivor. I have fought so hard to have the privilege of one day being happy. And I am, sometimes. For tonight, that's enough for self-compassion. I can be ill and still love myself and give myself the time to recover. I'm growing stronger every day and I'm not the person I was last year, let alone 3 years ago. 

I can do this. I can manage, even on my darkest days. I believe in myself.

FOCUS ON RESTING AND RELAXING TODAY. IT'S OKAY TO STOP AND RECHARGE

I've been struggling today. 
Voices, headaches, dizziness, low mood. 

Rest and relaxing was pretty much the only thing I was able to achieve today; well perhaps not relaxation though I did have a bubble bath, face mask, and treated my hair to a deep conditioning to see if it could make me feel better. It made me feel cleaner.. not better sadly.

Perchance I'll feel better (if I manage to every switch off enough to sleep) in the morrow and I'll be able to enjoy a bit of recuperation and a bit of cooking. Lasagne.. mmm...

If I get really in the mood perhaps I'll make cookies or a cake, too. I don't do it often, but I do enjoy cooking every now and again. 

As I often say; tomorrow is another day.

HOW HAVE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES MADE YOU A STRONGER PERSON?

I think mostly my resilience, the very fact I've survived not only my childhood traumas, which should be applauded, but more than that; I survived my mind.

It's so incredibly difficult to deal with external problems; abuse, serious financial issues, dissolving of a family unit...etc. But there are moments you can escape such things. Distractions and such. You can't, however, at any moment escape your mind.

Add in the fact that my brain has a complimentary built-in additional (and apparently non returnable) voice mode that persistently reminds me of my failures and even when I am in a good place attempts to undermine my happiness at every turn. I've also got racing thoughts, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder which set me off into panic attacks or flashbacks which are incredibly traumatic and difficult to manage.

This, more so at the beginning, contributes to my depression which at times is crippling, and leaves me suicidal. I've been so low and so consumed by the darkness that I don't even recognise my thoughts and feelings (written down during that period) as my own. It doesn't seem possible how unwell and how hopeless i was.

Yet here I am, still a childhood abuse survivor, and most importantly a daily mental health warrior. I'm constantly fighting my mind, and every second, hour, day, month that I survive I'm stronger for it.

I am like Japanese pottery; when cracked they are mended with gold to not only make it stronger but because they feel it adds a unique beauty to the ornament. My scars, internal and external, are proof I've lived; most importantly they are proof I am capable of healing. 

PRACTICE SELF-CARE AND PAMPER YOURSELF TODAY. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SELF-CARE?

Well, as last night was a crazy one, self-care and pampering is definitely on the cards today.

Face masks, lots of water, quick and easy food, messy buns, loose comfy clothing, my duvet and reruns of gossip girl have a place in my heart on hangover days; or any day where I'm just feeling sorry for myself or my mental health is draining me.

So whilst I deserve no sympathy today for dehydrating and poisoning myself with alcohol and staying out beyond a reasonable bedtime, my mind and body do deserve a little loving today and I need to replenish and relax so I don't make myself unwell

Nice easy warm and delicious dinner, quick clear up of the kitchen and tucking myself into bed with a Disney film is about as adventurous as I plan to be for the rest of the day. I cleaned the bathroom, did the washing and tidied my room. That's worthy of a shout-out considering how much the room span when I opened my eyes this morning.

It's Sunday anyway; it should be illegal for anyone to have to do anything too strenuous today...

HOW DO YOU MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR YOURSELF AND HOW CAN YOU REIGN THAT IN?

Pushing people away is a long term habit of mine. 

I have a fear of letting people see me, the whole me, the dented and imperfect parts I try to deny. I think I date guys who aren't emotionally available because although it's painful, it saves me from the pain of really getting serious with anyone. I am defensive and this causes people to not want to make the effort with me; even though deep down I really want them to see through it and realise I just am scared and hurting. 

I want to be as confident as most people think I am. I want to be cool and collected and not care what people think; but I do, more than most. I'm afraid people won't like the real me, and maybe because I don't know who that person is myself. I've spent half my life trying to fit in to try to combat my fear of being alone, (growing up there's safety in a group) and the other half determined not to fit in because I didn't want anyone to notice me.


I guess I can start by giving people a little more credit. Maybe people will judge me, or better yet maybe they will help me learn who I am. Maybe they can help me find myself and thus help me find a way forward in life. Maybe not everyone I meet has hidden agendas and wants to hurt me or use me in some way. Maybe someone can accept me for the half-shell that I currently am and walk by my side as I venture into the unknown. If not; at least I can look back one day and know I tried and that I had no reason to wonder 'what if.' 

PRACTICE MINDFULNESS TODAY. DON'T FOCUS ON THE PAST OR PRESENT- DRAW YOURSELF BACK

I've never truly understood mindfulness. 

I've had sessions on it where I've been blindfolded and eaten different textured foods- slowly, savouring each bite. I've had to feel sand flow through my fingers and hold ice in one hand whilst had my other hand plunged in warm water and felt the odd sensation.

I've drawn all over my arm with red pen, I've sucked ice cubes, I've had bubble baths with calming music, I've laid with my eyes closed and allowed my mind to drift into nothingness.

I've inhaled soothing scents and watched candles flicker, I've stroked many a fluffy object, but none of these things have felt anything other than what they are.

Is this being mindful? 

Is writing this and thinking about the things that are potentially mindful, being mindful? Or am I just waffling because I genuinely don't know how to answer this? Possibly both.

I've always struggled to write about topics I don't understand or care for.. it's an area I really struggle in. I can't get passionate or write from experience which is my forte so I find I just write absolute garbage in the hope of making some kind of point; so apologies if this wasn't what you were expecting when you clicked on today. 

At least I tried to think back to the teaching I had in hospital, and I tried (as I have in the past) to make sense in it. I feel like that's better than nothing 🙃

WORK ON COPING SKILLS YOU'VE NEGLECTED

Hey I'm back- yaaay 😀 👏
I was away for a few days without my laptop and I also didn't want my stay to be overshadowed by thinking of potentially triggering things (I don't read the challenge until the day) so I took a little hiatus, hopefully you can all understand.

Honestly, and I hope this doesn't come across as me boasting, I think I'm pretty on top with my coping skills. 
My episodes are currently few and far apart; and before where they lasted days or weeks, I can usually resume as normal after a day or so. I've also managed to not self-harm in almost a year. However, I'm not above talking through my techniques or trying new things. 

Firstly, I've stopped trying to fight my illness so much. I've accepted now that some days just aren't going to be great, sometimes I'm going to be irritable or emotional or manic; and that's okay. The more I try to act normal the harder it is for me to manage, and the more I struggle with lethargy because it's just exhausting putting a mask on every day. 😴

I've also started talking more openly about my mental health since I joined Time to Change in 2016. This has helped my confidence grow and given me a purpose for the first time in a long time. I don't think I could have been so honest about my feelings and my illness before I met such amazing brave people and found that actually I do have a voice and it does deserve to be heard. This, alongside a year of intensive therapy at a personality disorder unit, has helped me grow as a person and understand there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about with regards to mental health. We all have mental health, and 1 in 4 of us will be diagnosed with a mental illness each year. We are not alone; even if the world is still geared to make us feel that way. It's also helped me see my experiences and difficulties as opportunities to speak up and to spin it into a more positive way. It's helped me to turn my journey into written word which has allowed me to share and thus given me the opportunity to relate to more people.

I've mastered the five things trick where when anxiety starts hitting you, or you're uncertain of reality, you start making either a mental list or preferably an actual list of 5 things you can see, hear, feel, et cetera. It helps keep you grounded, in the moment, and has the added distraction bonus; whilst you're thinking of those things, you're not thinking about how scared you are.

I am queen 👑of self-care. I'm always a book, a playlist, a Netflix binge, and/or a bubble bath and facial away from calm. If I've got the cash a haircut alllllways makes me feel good. If I'm a bit poor, I'll just do a hair mask. I'm also keen on frequently buying myself little inexpensive treats online because opening parcels makes me smile. Occasionally I'll buy myself cheap flowers to put in my room if I've been in a bad place or just want to feel a bit of self-love. 💕

I try to see my friends and family as often as possible because I know that even whilst alone time is necessary sometimes, I am prone to being a bit of a hermit and it's not healthy for me to hide away all the time. Despite this, I also make sure I don't force myself to do things I'm just not mentally stable enough to do; my friends know that I only cancel if absolutely necessary as I hate letting people down. 👪👭

Finally, this blog has helped me focus and think about my mental health in both positive and negative light and given me many occasions to reflect on how far I've come and what I want to work on going forwards. That in itself helps me to cope; it gives me hope for a better future and it reminds me that even when it feels terrible- I've survived far worse. ☮

*apologies*

 I will be offline for the next two days due to no laptop and personal reasons. Blog will resume as usual on Wednesday. Thank you for bearing with me 😊

TRY A GUIDED MEDITATION, EXTRA POINTS FOR RAIN OR A WATERFALL

Unfortunately I live absolutely nowhere near a waterfall, and whilst it's England we're in a heatwave and I barely recall what rain is, so no extra points for me; which seems a little unfair.

I have attempted many mindfulness or mediation apps over the years and tonight was no exception. I plugged in, tried to switch off but at the sound of the 'cool, calming voice' I couldn't stop laughing my head off. 

I try to take it seriously but I've just never been able to focus on those sorts of things. I appreciate it can be really helpful to others and I don't mock it at all; it's just not something I find helpful.

 

WHAT ARE YOUR TOP THREE INTENTIONS AND HOW CAN YOU MEET THEM?

1. Heal
I want to work further on my personal growth, understanding the past and how it has shaped who I am today and furthermore how I can turn those bad experiences into a better future for myself. It means going deeper into the things I've locked away, it means taking the advice of health professionals and it means taking myself a little further out of my comfort zone. 
I can do this by continuing to give it my all, throwing myself into recovery, and when the time comes to start the next phase of my therapy; fully commit to it and be honest throughout. It's also important for me to remember that recovery isn't a straight line, and that relapse is a part of mental illness and to not punish myself if my progress regresses at any point. Sometimes we have to get worse to get better, sometimes things are difficult and we slip into old habits, and as long as we acknowledge this and work towards the future then it isn't anything to fear. 

2. Get published
I've done the hardest part; the grafting. I've put in the hours over the last few years writing poems which I now feel ready to share with the world. I'm in contact with people over artwork. Once that's in the final stages, I can take a deep breath and a huge leap of faith and get my work out there into the world. Once that's done, I can take more time on my planned novel and see where that takes me..

3. Move out
Whilst I'm incredibly lucky to have somewhere to call home, and somewhere I'm looked after, I'm pushing 30 and whilst I accept it won't be in the next few months or so, I plan to one day be able to stand on my own two feet and have a place to call my own. I can do this by continuing to recover, by taking a more active role in planning and organising my life, and by hopefully getting help and advice both from family and professionals with regards to finding somewhere safe for me and getting support in the community to ensure I start off on the right track. I don't want another scenario where I move out, fail and come home with my tail between my legs; I want to find a home of my own which I can be happy and if not thrive then at least do better than just survive in. 

WHAT DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH & HOW CAN YOU GET MORE SUPPORT THERE?

Trusting people can handle what I need to tell them, trusting they want to know, and trusting  that they won't leave me or think I'm a burden if I do open up fully. For me, some of the more difficult aspects of my illness is visual and auditory hallucinations and flashbacks.

 I hear voices 24/7 and whilst I manage them most days, sometimes they say the most horrifying things and I feel like I can't relay those messages to others for fear of judgement; that someone will misunderstand and think that these are my thoughts and urges.

Flashbacks are where you are transported back to a moment of trauma and not only are you forced to watch it happening all over again, you also feel the emotions you did in that moment. It's not like a dream where you're having a bird's eye view; you're reliving it all over again. How do you find the courage to explain to someone the horrors that you've endured without also traumatising them? 

I'm far better at speaking up when I am struggling, I can admit when my depression is consuming me or when I need to leave a situation due to my anxiety, and to my close friends and family I can be honest about when things are 'too loud in my head;' in other words when the voices are no longer manageable and I need support.

I've been open with trusted members of my family and a handful of friends about the trauma I experienced in my childhood, it may have taken many years of silence but I finally spoke out about the pain and suffering I endured. I have come to terms with the fact it was not my fault. I've had therapy and I've reconnected to my inner child. I've apologised for shutting her off and not listening to her cries for love and for healing. It almost broke me; but I finally fully connected my emotions to the events rather than detaching myself from the pain in a desperate attempt to deny it and move on.

The one thing I've still not managed to do is talk through what actually happened. I've not been able to, apart from in flashbacks. revisit that situation and fully understand it. I've not been able to sit down and talk about the conversations, the fear, the secrecy and everything in between. Why? Because I want to protect people. I don't wish for someone to have to hear me speak of it. I don't want to take anyone into the moment with me. I also know I wish to protect myself. I know it has to get worse before it gets better, that there are still things locked in my mind that I need to understand; but I also know that I have avoided it for all of my adult life for a reason. 

I've been placed on a waiting list for trauma focused psychotherapy. It's time to be brave; and maybe when I am, maybe when I trust myself not to completely collapse, I will be able to trust others not to do the same.

CREATE AN EMERGENCY PLAYLIST FOR TIMES YOU NEED LOVE&COMFORT

I've had one since I first starting hearing voices in 2015; back then I couldn't last a day without needing the escape music gave me, but this gave me an excuse to update it :)

There's nothing more comforting than pressing ▶️ and just blocking the world out, and more importantly blocking out your brain.

I try to avoid too sad or potentially triggering songs, as much as I try to limit any songs I feel are too upbeat; but there's still a fairly eclectic mix of bouncier songs mixed with the tear-provoking ballads. I can always skip something I'm not feeling in the moment, but my tastes are pretty diverse and my moods vary so it's helpful for me to have a good mix rather than to attempt a 'one genre cures all' approach; I could end up with so many playlists!

I definitely recommend people create playlists for things; break ups, workouts, boredom, pre-drinks... Saves so much time, especially if you're me and shuffle is a dangerous game of roulette when you have company and you have no idea if it's going to be heavy metal or a show tune next 😂

WHAT'S ONE THING YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR DAY TO IMPROVE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?

Routine.

I try, and often fail, to set myself some kind of routine each day. I have the best intentions; but the day often gets away from me. I guess you could call me a procrastinator, but mostly in the sense of 'I'll do that in a moment' and then blinking and it's been a few hours. I'd love to know where I go for all this time, because I am almost always shocked when I see the clock.

I've set alarms, I've planned a daily schedule, but unfortunately things never seem to go to plan. It's unnerving for me, it's like being my own worst enemy. I hate last minute plans or having to rush because I had 6 hours to get ready and now I only have 2 and I haven't even washed my hair. My anxiety suddenly heightens, my motivation drops and I am suddenly trapped between having to be quick and actually being the slowest ever because everything is suddenly 50 times harder to accomplish.

I know I'm making myself ill. I know it's unhealthy and that I just need to stick to it but what's worse than not having a plan? Having plans and having them cancelled last minute. 

Sometimes I feel like even though I'm free-falling daily, it's still safer than trusting someone to follow through with things. The disappointment, the loss of sense of purpose, the abandonment issues it brings up really make coping with cancellations almost impossible to handle. I'll tell everyone 'it's fine, I'm okay, it's not your fault,' but inside it's like being knifed over and over again. I' too afraid to rock the boat and say 'actually, you've fucked up my whole day and even if it isn't, I can't help but take it personally.' 

How to overcome these issues though? I either excessively plan and likely spend the day reeling from the let down, or my mental health is too bad and I have to cancel; or I make absolutely no plans and find myself feeling lost and alone all day. How do you plan for the extraneous variables, the things outside of your control?

Happy 1st August *New challenge is up*

Hey guys.
Today I'm starting the 31 days of mental wellness challenge :)

First post will be up shortly 
Keep safe!

xoxo